To ask - can a parent crying in front of a teenage child ever be emotionally abusive?

[WithEase]

I’ve experienced this and it felt like my mum was being abusive

No I wouldn’t say that was abusive. It wasn’t ideal that she couldn’t emotionally regulate her response but mothers are human too. She was understandably worried about you and the situation.

Is that the worst example of what you felt was emotional manipulation/inappropriate?

In response to your last sentence oh god no !

that incident happened in February of that particular year. In June of that year she came into my bedroom drunk, started beating me and threw me out !

I don’t think your mum’s emotion was abusive. I’m sure my mum cried when I dropped out of uni. She was upset/worried/disappointed and human. She was processing.

I cry at sad films, and often when talking about family members who’ve died or a sad story but I plough on through talking and tell my dc to not worry about my tears because it’s how my body reacts to sad things but that’s okay. I can’t do stiff upper lips and if I’m sad my face will show it. I’m not doing it to manipulate. You seem to have a very high expectation of your mum which feels unfair, based on initial context given.

Okay, that’s a very different issue.

Crying because she felt very upset that you had dropped out of 6th form is not abusive. She was probably concerned for your future. Many mums would feel the same way. Working with many survivors of abuse, I worry how this word is bandied around now. Crying because one is upset by another's behaviours or choices is not abuse, it's expressing emotion. It is far more likely that she was crying because she was upset, than she was making herself cry deliberately, to upset you, unless there is a massive dripfeed on its way.

Not really abuse. Just raging you dropped out of school. I would have been too.
assaulting you not ok

Context needed.

Ah and there we have it, the dripfeed. Clearly, not mentioning a history of physical assault puts a different slant on things

No crying is not abusive.

We are all human. Shock horror even mums.

I absolutely think the episodes you describe were abusive. The taxi one she was guilt tripping you and in the other she was drunk and having a tantrum. That is not responsible parental behaviour.

Thank you. This is how I felt at the time.

The ironic thing is she told me to leave as my results were below par:

”YOU COULD BE EARNING!”

but when I actually did leave, went nuclear and was very condescending about my job !

Crying in the context you provided - no. She’s allowed to be disappointed, worried etc.
her throwing you out - yes it’s abusive.

I personally have cried in front of my kids when I have been overwhelmed over tired or upset. It is a normal part of emotions. One of my daughters once called me the worlds worst mother and an utter bitch. I instantly burst in to tears as I had just given all I had to said child while others were sick. It was just a normal reaction. Honestly I sometimes hide my tears. In saying all that I don't burst into tears often. I think that some parents use it to manipulate. I personally just see it as Im human just as much as you.

My teenagers have made me cry. Was I manipulating them? No. I was crying because of them doing something so hurtful that it made me cry.

Sounds like there were a few issues OP and you often felt confused by her actions and lack of consistency. So the crying in isolation is a bit if a red herring. Before your update I wondered if she was silent because she was fighting back tears of worry and concern and trying (and failing) to let on. But in the context of everything else she sounds a bit messed up tbh. I'd recommend possibly seeing a counsellor and working through all these feelings.
How is your relationship now?

*trying NOT to let on...

Thank you

my mum’s long dead but our relationship improved before the end

Sorry to hear that OP. Maybe some counselling anyway would help you make peace with everything.

Anything people don't like gets classed as 'abusive' these days.

In which case a lot of teenagers are guilty of abuse!

My wonderful DH died when our kids were 5 and 7. That made me cry. My eldest struggles with life (ND) and has been vicious to me during puberty and he's made me cry too. I grew up never seeing my DM cry even though she lost my brother aged 10. I think my way is healthier though I don't blame her at all, generational I think.

I cried because my daughter was sat next to me in car and just kept on and on and on being awful haranguing me and basically telling me I was the worst mum ever and how I didn’t help her and didn’t understand her and was doing nothing to help her ( she has mental health and SEN issues
I genuinely felt really sad but made myself cry to get her to stop and realise I was hurt ( she apologised and we had a good chat )

I’ve cried out of frustration trying to get her to go to school as she is a entrenched school avoider ( sort of worked)

I would not fake cry to manipulate any other situation for example if I wanted her to come shopping with me or spend Christmas with me or paint her nails/ cut her hair or wear a dress to the family wedding as these are trivial things that I would not give a shit about

I agree it depends on context. It's okay for a teen/child to see Mum cry. Adults are allowed to be sad and have emotions. That's a good role model-something made Mum sad so she's crying-fine.

It is NOT okay for Mum to cry to make the child feel guilty, or to do something (with exceptions) about it. Or to manipulate the child's feelings.

The tears of a special needs mum are huge. I try to do so without her presence but some days are just hard.

Crying in front on your children is fine, nothing wrong at all with expressing emotions.