To think that men just actually don’t want to do that much after their OH gives birth?

[ShesNotACowShesAFox]

So I had my DC before Shared Parental Leave became a thing. I remember other mums saying how paternity leave is crap and it needs to be better (my own DH owns a business so took a week off each time then had to get back to work, no paternity entitlement). There was a real feel that “If only the men could be off work more they’d be able to do more to help!”. As many experience the first year or so can be a war between knackered mums who’ve been with baby all day and knackered dads who’ve worked all day. I’ve heard lots of men say things like “I WISH I could stay at home with the baby” or “If I only I had more time to help.” SPL was the beacon of “Dads can finally help out like they’ve said they want to for years”.

So we know after so much fighting and moaning for it, shared parental leave has had shockingly low uptake (5% of eligible men) . Not so popular when offered it apparently.

There’s always so many threads on MN about men who basically treat paternity leave like time off, use it to go on their “head wetting” with mates etc, and how women still have to do the housework shortly after they’ve given birth. There seems to be no push whatsoever to pressure men into doing more. When people talk about helping women postnatally they often mean other women coming over to cook, clean, let the mum nap etc. Similarly 1 in 10 women experience PND, a huge symptom of which is loneliness and feeling the mental load. Men could utilise SPL if they actually cared about all this, but so few do.

AIBU to think that for all the years they’ve spent saying “I WISH I could be at home with the baby” and blaming having to work on their lack of input, men actually don’t want ’help’ at all?

I agree that the gender stereotypes are washing out and becominess defined.

I was away with a friend a couple weeks ago and they have a 2 month old. The running joke was that breastfeeding was the only time in your relationship where you have a building slave. Ie whatever she asked for her husband delivered. This was reflected in all of our relationships.

He paced the floor with the agitated baby while mum after her hot food and his went cold. As soon as mum finished she fed and he ate. He then took the baby back for a Nappy change and paced to get her to nap. The point is while the actually breastfeeding needed to be done with mum every other aspect can and is shared.

In real life I only know of 2 relationships where the leave is treated it as a holiday. One of those was abusive and she finally left him ( thank fuck). The other was an older man who didn't view childcare as his job. However these 2 are the exception not the rule.

Yes (although many companies are now offering longer than the statutory paid two weeks).
But in addition to this, in recent years “shared parental leave” has been introduced by the government, where a woman can choose to “give” part of her maternity leave to the other parent- eg of the whole year she’s entitled to, she might take 6 months and the husband/partner takes 6 months or they spilt it 3 months/9 months etc.

My husband is hands on and very helpful, so not all men are useless. Some women are useless and lazy, some aren’t, too.

The men who get complained about on MN don’t want to do much but I don’t know if that proves they’re all useless.

There certainly are plenty of truly shit men like you describe. I’ve met a lot of them. I read about them a lot on here. It’s so depressing.

I am so thankful that my H was not one of them. Also self-employed. Couldn’t do enough. I, and my newborns, were waited on hand and foot and he is still a hugely engaged father. I’m not grateful per se, it’s how it should be, but I am certainly relieved.

@Mnetcurious Thank you - I see. Shared parental leave wouldn't have been possible for us as I breastfed my baby on demand and a primary teacher!
But hubby did take one day (unpaid) off a week for a year when I returned to work and it was honestly one of the best decisions we ever made.
He was seen as a bit of a legend in the classes which I think he secretly rather enjoyed 😆

My husband was a FT student working weekends when we had DC1. He still pulled his weight. He did a night time bottle whilst studying every night so I could get a longer stretch if sleep. I wouldn’t put up with anytime less. Over the years the years we have earnt about the same, sometimes him more and sometimes me. I’m not a princess and don’t expect him to pay my way. We both bring money and we both run the home and family.

However most threads like these are overwhelming filled with posters saying how brilliant and hands on supportive their partners are, this wasn't generally the case when my DC were born, 17-25 years ago when me and my friends overwhelmingly did the majority of the childcare and household tasks and our careers took a massive hit so it's really encouraging things are changing.
I do still think however most mothers do put their DC first and make sacrifices that fathers just aren't willing to.

I think what people are challenging, are the ridiculous "all men are useless" generalisations that some posters persist in putting on here.

My eldest dc is 28. My eldest nephew is 32. So I've been close to many people having babies before you as well as during the time yours were young. I was close to a LOT of parents, and only know of one couple where the Dad did very little. So my 'overwhelming' is definitely equal parenting.