Is my best friend NOT my best friend?

[Unknown1111]

So I have a childhood friend I have known for over 30 years, grew up in same town, both married and moved out in 20's. I moved back to home town several years later and BF lives 3.5 hours away. We rarely see each other in person as life, children and personal commitments get in way but we do regularly keep in touch over phone/whatsapp etc - mainly initiated by me.
BF comes to home town to see family regularly but again don't often arrange to meet as Bf has large family and always busy with things to do with them, may fly by to mine in evening or random hour to see me.
in recent years this is happening less and less and although I'm always up for planning/booking in future/coming to her to meet she always declines says can't plan that far ahead/pr some other excuse that we will meet in a few weeks but never happens. However on occasions she will always send me expensive gifts to mark the occasion and will promise a spa date/over night trip but these never happen - I'm always up for booking these events in but it's always down to her availability which is scarce.
I have come to the conclusion that I feel I am always chasing and asking to meet so I have stopped.
BF will come to home town and sometimes not even tell me and go home without seeing me. (I live 10 mins away). Currently BF is in home town and has reached out to meet today, I said I was busy what about Thursday? We confirmed and she has just canx without explanation and has said she going back on Friday having been down for 2 weeks but not even made the time to see me, said best friend.
what hurts is a few weeks ago she was talking about a different function and said that at this age we make the effort for people we want to see and won't for those not as important and it's as simple as that and I think that made me revalue our friendship and wonder if we are in fact best friends anymore, even though no one really uses that term.

AIBU to think she would make the time if she cared or valued me enough?

It sounds like this friendship has expired OP. Life can get really busy for all of us, but if we REALLY want to see someone, we can generally make time. Perhaps make a plan to meet up one more time, and if she cancels it, then call it quits?

OP she's not your best friend, she's a friend but you're not particularly close. I would completely dial back on the time you invest in the friendship and if it's a one way street I'd fade her out.

I could be your BF in this situation. Every time I head to my home town two of my school BFs are keen to see me but bar once a year I don't have time!

I'd love to see them but with a large extended family it's hard, we're now in our 40s and we've been friends since we were 9! It's fine, people's lives are busy. Friendships change. Just be friends. Don't over think it and value the time you do get together eventually. There is nothing like connecting with someone you've known pretty much your whole life.

I think you need to accept that you’re not as close as you were and her commitments are many and time consuming. It can be extremely stressful being a visiting party and trying to please everyone. She has visited for two weeks but has still reached out to you to meet but you were busy just like she has been and that’s just life. You can’t really criticise her for not dropping some of her commitments for you when you wouldn’t/ couldn’t for her when she offered. It’s a shame she has had to go back early but she put the offer out there, it’s not her fault you said no. You may be up for overnight trips and stays but by the sounds of she isn’t/ hasn’t got the time nor heart to disappoint you. I think it would be much different if she lived locally. If she didn’t care she wouldn’t send you the gifts or keep in touch at all she just obviously very time poor and your lives are in very different places.

I feel for you OP can read that this is making you sad. Unfortunately people change and life gets busy as adults I would try and invest my time in new or other friendships as sadly she isn't prioritising your friendship. X

I did something similar to a friend for a while. We would jokey text, talk on the phone etc. Swap things going on in our lives. She often pressed to meet up when I went to visit home but the truth was - I had put on weight, she had a lot more disposable income than me for all life's fripperies.

Appearances ment a lot to her and I couldn't bear the up and down judgemental glances. She would never have said anything. But that was the reason I didn't want to meet up. It may be her, not because she doesn't want to be your friend.

It reads like she still sees you as a friend but doesn't have much spare time when she visits.

Do you ever visit her?

You need to decide if you can be ok with the friendship being mostly via messaging . If you can't then yes nay be better to let it go.

We never make time for things important to us

Reframe this as your oldest friendship rather than your best friendship. The latter changes and maybe you don’t have that much in common anymore.

Sounds like she's your longest standing friend. But I don't think you can describe someone you don't see often as your best friend. I think best friend is your closest confidante.

I sympathise with you both though.

When you live that far from home town, your time on visits is so crammed and pressured with everyone you have to try to fit in that it can become really stressful to try to achieve the full set, and if you do manage it, you go home exhausted not having relaxed and enjoyed any of it.
To avoid this you have to prioritise the ones you absolutely can't miss out like parents and siblings.

So how realistically you get round it, you'd meet up on other occasions, specially to have quality time and see that person who got missed out of the 'I'm in town' session... but if you have a young family, and maybe money is tight, things like spa weekends are difficult, meanwhile something simpler doesn't make sense when it's a 7 hour round trip...

Long distance relationships are notoriously difficult for a reason.

It sounds to me like the heart is willing on her part, but the foundation of the relationship is mainly located in the past (sadly) and the difficulties are over taking the present day reality. Meaning that the impetus to move mountains to carve out the time isn't strong enough to win out often enough to keep things healthy and thriving in your relationship.

I think the fact that she did often make the effort to drop by and include you in what must have been a hectic schedule on her visits home show that she also values/d you highly and wanted to make it work, but sounds like the challenge of upkeep is just a bit too steep.

In your shoes, I would think of her as someone I think a lot of, who I would make time to see if possible (are you ever in her corner of the world) and would always feel affection for, but I would dial down the expectations of tending to the relationship regularly as the distance and other priorities are just meaning the expectations and the reality don't match in a disappointing way, through no one's fault.

To be honest I don’t really understand how she can be that busy. ultimately if she enjoyed spending time with you, she would just spend time with you. I think she firmly sees you as an acquaintance. It doesn’t matter how big your family is, everyone can sustain family relationships and friendships simultaneously- it’s not impossible.

I’m in my 20s and I realised recently that sometimes close friends turn into acquaintances in an awkward way, as in people almost refuse to admit they are acquaintances due to the shared history making them seem
closer than they really are. So it turns into a bit of a grey area, with possible one-sided investment, false promises, cancellations, hopes raised etc as the actions don’t match the words. It can be hard for people to admit when a friendship changes or has run its course

Just take control of it by setting your own expectations (ie keep them low?)

Completely agree.

I’ve something similar going on with a friend but I’m like your friend, not you. The problem is is that my friend always wants me to make a commitment too far in advance. So she might say ‘let’s meet in the morning on x day in February ‘. I’m way too busy and can’t be sure to fit her in. But I’m certainly up for a more spontaneous ‘let’s meet tomorrow’. She doesn’t like spontaneity and I don’t like excessive planning ahead. I think our friendship is slowly dying as a result

@Twotribesgonna That makes no sense that you'll be too busy to fit her in. Make a note in your diary of the date, and don't book anything else for that time. Spontaneous people do my head in, they expect you to be permanently free for the 3 hours they decide to give you a slice of their precious time. Then they get offended when you have plans.

I don’t understand though - if it’s all spontaneous for you, how can you be too busy to fit someone in? It sounds like just lower priority than others (or family commitments?)

I went through a phase of always being spontaneous, as I was so stressed with work and young family that I’d just wake up every weekend and text people about meeting up. I kept missing/forgetting to reply to texts about plans and then missing it. But I wasn’t too busy to fit someone in, just too chaotic.

OP I agree with others about maybe thinking of her as an old friend rather than active best friend. I agree with another pp that the grey area is really hard though when a friendship is changing.

Thankyou all for replies.
yes she's my oldest friend and to some extent my confidant in life. She refers to me as her best friend more than I do her. She doesn't have many other friends, her family do consume most her time.
But my husband often jokes she's a figment of my imagination as she always cancels. She is very much last minute I'm very much I'll save this date for you,
I have accepted this is life and as a result I recently just toned down contact and asking when she's down to meet as it's recently always been never. But she reached out to me ? So I'm upset and hurt that I was willing to change plans today to see her but she cancelled because her DC was playing up.
she has had bereavements and it affected her badly this year so I dnt want her to think im checking out because of that. But im tired of always prioritising and making time for people who don't reciprocate.

Yes I know @Hercisback1 and @Judgefudgey that people like you dislike the way people like me operate. Straight back atcha. I dislike your way of doing things.

My working life is extremely organised and scheduled and I like to keep things easy in my social life. Thankfully I’ve plenty of friends who really, really prefer a spontaneous social life. And so when I have a few days free and I’m feeling energetic I’ll message a few people to see who’s on for meeting. The people who like living in this manner and who are free at the time are on for meeting.

I find my ultra planning friend doesn’t respond well to this- she’d prefer to have it organised a month in advance. So she isn’t on for meeting. So we don’t meet but I meet other friends.

Then my ultra organised friend will suggest meeting a month or two in advance. Sometimes I agree to it but then when the time comes I’m really tired and I really don’t feel like socialising but I do anyway, slightly resentfully. Other times I foresee that I’ll be busy with work and say no. Sometimes I agree and the time works out for me.

but here’s the thing. I just don’t like planning my social life way in advance and I have plenty of other friends who are just like me. We enjoy our way of doing things. It’s the friendship with the person who is ultra organised is the friendship I believe is waning.

Makes sense. Tbh I’ve been very much like this at other phases in my life. I’m only a planner at the moment for life-context specific reasons which are too outing! My energy varies and when I was able to live more spontaneously it worked for me.

The way you describe there - eg you might not have the energy or be too pressured from work reads differently to what I originally interpreted from your first message. I assumed you meant you’d be too busy with other friends/things you’d organised (and prioritised I guess), ‘to fit them in’

Same.

Is it because she takes you for granted? She can cancel on you last minute and you don't make much of a fuss about it? Perhaps you need to set a boundary to stop her letting you down, to stop building up resentment.

Also match her energy and don't prioritise her so much. I agree with other pps, she doesn't see you as her 'best' friend. People do what really motivates them, they will make space for what's really important to them. I think you may have to accept that as upsetting as it is.

I’ve never had a best friend- various members of my family fulfil this role. (Mum, brothers - mostly my husband if I’m honest) so my thoughts are probably irrelevant but I’ll give them anyway.
I think people have friends for different stages - school friends, university friends, parent friends, work friends etc. And unless friends from earlier stages go through the same stages as you at the same time in the same place you will drift apart.
I think the idea of a lifelong friendship with someone without stronger links than we’ve know each other a long time is odd.
I wonder if people cling on to the title of best friend because they feel they have to have one whereas in reality you need to have the right friend at the right time.

Do you ever visit her? Or are you only reliant on ‘meeting in the middle’, or her visiting the hometown?

You sound quite childish. We all have our own lives and she did ask to meet up this time but you said you were busy.

I always offer to drive up to her, she almost always has a reason why I shouldn't -
no really sure how else to meet her without prior planning as a random surprise wouldn't work due to the distance.

I always make time and guess yes I'm always available and dnt make a fuss when she cancels.
even yesterday I just said I hope everything's ok.

I understand friendships change. I think I just wondered if it was me or normal to be like this. I do feel hurt.

Thankyou. I would disagree with the childish part. If anything I'd say I'm quite the opposite but thanks nonetheless.