Is my best friend NOT my best friend?

[Unknown1111]

So I have a childhood friend I have known for over 30 years, grew up in same town, both married and moved out in 20's. I moved back to home town several years later and BF lives 3.5 hours away. We rarely see each other in person as life, children and personal commitments get in way but we do regularly keep in touch over phone/whatsapp etc - mainly initiated by me.
BF comes to home town to see family regularly but again don't often arrange to meet as Bf has large family and always busy with things to do with them, may fly by to mine in evening or random hour to see me.
in recent years this is happening less and less and although I'm always up for planning/booking in future/coming to her to meet she always declines says can't plan that far ahead/pr some other excuse that we will meet in a few weeks but never happens. However on occasions she will always send me expensive gifts to mark the occasion and will promise a spa date/over night trip but these never happen - I'm always up for booking these events in but it's always down to her availability which is scarce.
I have come to the conclusion that I feel I am always chasing and asking to meet so I have stopped.
BF will come to home town and sometimes not even tell me and go home without seeing me. (I live 10 mins away). Currently BF is in home town and has reached out to meet today, I said I was busy what about Thursday? We confirmed and she has just canx without explanation and has said she going back on Friday having been down for 2 weeks but not even made the time to see me, said best friend.
what hurts is a few weeks ago she was talking about a different function and said that at this age we make the effort for people we want to see and won't for those not as important and it's as simple as that and I think that made me revalue our friendship and wonder if we are in fact best friends anymore, even though no one really uses that term.

AIBU to think she would make the time if she cared or valued me enough?

(Oh, ignore DreamLife.)

This is bread crumbing - making just enough contact via (cancelled) meets ups, (postponed) trips, and gifts - to keep you dangling. Not necessarily done intentionally, but still cruel and undermining. Absolutely understandable that you are hurt.

A best friend is someone who you may not see most, or all the time, but with whom you can pick up where you left off… even if it is 2 years later…
I am the BF in this situation. Before I had children I would visit home town a few times a year, always meet up. Now, with children, it is more important to me that my children spend time with family, and that I spend time with nieces and nephews, as well as my elderly parents. I still value the friendship.

You're right op that you can't just drop by when there is a big distance, unless you happened to be in town for something else (unlikely!)

She probably values you and your shared history and maybe hadn't given any thought to how the friendly contact that never quite materialises into anything could feel at the other end to someone who would genuinely make that meet up happen...
Maybe the good intentions are there but when it boils down to it there is always something/someone else that comes first and she hasn't noticed how time goes by and it all adds up.

But of course it is upsetting to remain on the fringe but not in someone's life who you care about. And to keep the flame off hope you've and make overtures that never become anything.

I think, leave the ball in her court and mirror her level of energy and interest.
If the opportunity comes up, you could maybe chat about the difficulties of long distance friendship and let her know that you would value honesty in whether she actually wants to/can ever meet or not.

I don't think she intends to hurt, and you had a good friendship, so some self protection would be good so as not to ruin your memories by association.

MN can be pretty black and white about these situations, and quick to cut people off

I'd probably dial back a little and math her energy. Long term friendships can wax and wane over time

Thankyou all for your replies.
she has on her status put up a post about matching people's energy and something about people not pouring into her cup as she has done to them - not sure if generic or aimed at me but I am
tempted to ask but don't think I have the energy to engage. For what it's worth I think I'm a good friend. And try to be there for my friends and Bf when they need me. But maybe it's note enough?

30 years, growing up together in the same town with the same background can be a special and unique thing, and at some point in your life you may both see the value in that. At present your lives have diverged and you are peripheral to each other, and I think the best thing would be to accept that for now, but without closing the door altogether. I'd keep up the messaging and keep the link as one day you may be glad you did. I speak from experience!

Try to put that out of your mind... It's a common enough thing that it could mean anything and you'll never know if it's some oblique hint to you (unlikely) or just a blurt cos she's had a shit week with a bunch of annoyances from various people.

You could send her a 'hi' card telling her what she means to you in a 'just to let you know as it's not easy to show it so far apart' kind of way - if you felt so inclined and thought it was suitable.

OP, yanbu.
No need to fall out or for any big conversation, just dial it back a lot.
Invest your energy in others.

You are her WhatsApp friend.
Confidant etc., but not a priority to meet.
You can't change this, it has gone on far too long.
You tolerated this for far too long.
Just gentle pull back.

I'm sorry, this must hurt, but it is a part of life sometimes.

It’s always hard when you move away and everyone expects to see you on the odd visit ‘home’ but doesn’t make the effort to visit you in your actual home…

In many ways you have nothing to lose by asking how she feels about ur friendship and what she needs, what you need. Maybe you can refresh how the friendship works.

Hi op maybe dont be as invested in the friendship.. it is hurtful though. I find people more flaky now. Our friend moved away but she met us in oct she said she only had one day for everyone as her train home that evening. Was her time short? It is hurtful of course

It sounds like she is busy with different priorities in her life. It happens. You may have been BFs many years ago but obviously for her life has moved on. But you have kept the same space for her. People drift apart. Doesnt make her a bad person. And its most likely nothing personal against you

It would be easier for you to remove the label of 'BF' and stop chasing for contact and being too available. She did reach out to you this time but you werent available.

I disagree this comes across as needy, OP needs to fill her life in other ways and not rely so much on this friendship fulfilling those needs. Just take a step back, don't be so available. If she's interested she'll get in touch.

Thankyou.
i thought I was pulling back and leaving the ball in her court. I dnt have anything but love and time for this friend as she has always been there for me but i do get a hint of the friendship not being the same both ways.
as for the BF title i guess it's always been used since we were teens and it's still being used?
I do feel guilty when I dnt reach out to see if she will reach out to me - I normally always drop change plans last min for this friend. Even told my husband that when she is down I may go out without notice to see her and his joke of it not happening and I'll be home as she doe she exist got me thinking of how much she actually makes the effort to see me if at all. She has currently been absent for my hen, wedding, birth of child, a large number birthday but has always marked the occasion with a gift. But her words of making an effort for those you care for also stung. But yes I guess I feel like I chase too much but I worry if I dnt this relationship will die. And after 30 odd years that will be a shame.

So this woman didn’t come to your wedding, your hen night, or visit you when you had your first child yet you still cling to the relationship?
I think the relationship is already dead, let it go.

There were valid reasons - Covid restrictions, illness etc. I dnt know. I know I would have done the travelling but as all her occasions are after mine I just match the energy and follow her example so I probably wouldn't visit her on her child's birth or big birthday etc. it's not that I never saw her just when she was down in our home town the visits would happen then, months later.

It sounds like you don't want to commit though? How can you say you'll be too busy in Feb (for example)? Surely you just put it in the diary and work around it?

I would just take a step back OP, if she really wanted to see you then she would have. She can't be that busy that she can't pop over for a couple of hours with a bottle of wine

I just wanted to add that just before lockdown I literally pinned her down to book something (Disneyland with our kids of same age) 6 months in advance and she cancelled so I took my sis with me as she was 6 months gone when we travelled. I have to say Inwouldng have cancelled for pregnancy. But I'm me. The more I'm writing it the more I'm actually getting annoyed at myself

Thanks for explaining this. I am (mostly) the 'ultra-organised' friend, and have fallen out with my 'Best Friend' in the past as she is similar to you and hates planning get-togethers in advance as she says she's too busy and stressed as it is, and this just adds extra pressure. We live 45 mins apart and she is extremely busy. When I've taken a back seat, I can go 6-9 months+ without seeing her, which frustrates me when I know she's often socialising with other friends much more frequently. I do understand others live closer or are mums of her kids' friends etc, so it's easier.

My argument is this; if you are good friends then I can't see why organised friend can't suggest a meet up on say a Saturday morning for an hour, 3-4 weeks in advance. I usually suggest "pencilling it in then see how we feel". I do this with many friends and it works for both parties; if on the day we're shattered/ill/not in the mood then we can send a message saying so. But more than 50% of the time, we meet up and it's lovely and the friend is super grateful for me being 'ultra organised' as otherwise we'd never see each other and their lives would just be full of kids/work/housework.

I'm not saying I'm never spontaneous; I receive texts regularly rom local friends asking if I'm free for a meet and sometimes I am free, and go.

It's about prioritising your friendships and making time and energy for them. If you want them to be sustainable that is...

For what it's worth OP...I am in a very similar situation. My 'Best Friend' has been so since we were 11, and we're now in our 40's. I've come to realise over the past couple of years that we have drifted apart, despite my best efforts to stay connected. I agree with what some others have said; remove the title Best so that it fits better and hurts less (that's what's helped me).

It does still hurt, but I've come to do what others have said and matched her energy and efforts. Which means accepting I'll see her for an hour or so a couple of times a year at most. We WhatsApp fairly regularly, and send each other's kids birthday cards. But it won't be the close friendship I've been wanting for a few years now. I would have loved weekends away, day trips, regular walks/meals/visits to each others' houses for a cuppa (we live 45 mins away which is no problem for me, but she never has time). But she hates planning ahead as she's always so busy and stressed and she kept saying that me asking her to meet "all the time" was adding pressure :-( I suggested we pencil in a date (a morning or even an hour) every 3-4 months, so I have something to look forward to and will stop suggesting meet ups in-between, but this angered her as she said it was weird and again added pressure to her already stressful life.

So, I've taken a back seat. Accepted we're not as close as we once were. I'm hopeful in the future when our kids are grown we may be close again, but if not, do you know what? I've started to make amazing new friends who not only look forward to meeting up every few months, but relish it and appreciate it. You sound like a lovely friend to have, so don't give up hope of finding a new close friend at this stage of life (easier said than done I know).

I've put this on another thread, but would recommend reading Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day.

Lovely to hear your story @ForeverTipsy ... Also, where did you meet/make your new friends? I'm in a new area far from old friends and need to make some roots here.

One of my dear friends found her dear old friend was on a lot to her on WhatsApp calling on her way home from work, but too busy too meet up, lots of drama and I know she found it a bit exhausting at times.

She met a mutal friend and found out they had been away for a night and some big good news her stressed friend had but hadn't shared.

She felt momentary annoyance but then relief.
She was off the hook.
She muted her and gave herself a complete break and simply didn't answer the phone.
She turned up at her door and my friend who is direct said , "I seem to have been designated by you to be your drama bad news, since you keep good news for X etc. Best you find something else for the role.

Her friend apologise profusely, my friend accepted it, but she is no longering answering the phone to her, she is done.
She is perfectly friendly when they bump into each other, but is actually relieved at how it all played out.

If someone is only interested in a WhatsApp relationship and not meeting up, you may be their free therapist.

Far better to invest in other relationships IMO.

Thankyou for your comment.
i totally understand and see you.
i do have other friends, in fact these other friends I've known similar friends and often we use the bf term loosely too but we actually make an effort to see each other - and one lives in the Middle East yet we manage to pencil in a holiday annually.
I have a range of lovely friends in my life for which i am forever grateful for but i think im deeply saddened by this friendship and not because it's a loss in any way as I dnt actually see this friend but enacuse the realisation is hurtful

@Sazzerss "If someone is only interested in a WhatsApp relationship and not meeting up, you may be their free therapist." - This is soooo true!! And exactly what was happening with my "Best Friend". She would send lengthy WA voice notes offloading to me as her oldest confidant. But would seldom actually meet me face to face, or even offer a live phone call or video call. Last time we did those was 2020. I'm done.

I'm also finding being in my 40's gives me the clarity and experience to understand that relationships need to be balanced and fair. If they're not, they're not healthy.