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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be done with grandparents

55 replies

GreatDayDreamer · 02/01/2025 00:31

Is it unreasonable to be completely fed up with mum and step dad?

I have two kids 3 and 6 years old. We live 300 miles away from my mum and step dad. I think it is fair to say our relationship is strained but I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents as they really love them. In the last 6 years my step dad has never visited. He is very open to expressing he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

My mum frequently messages me and is very keen for me to send photos and videos etc of my kids. However, we only see each other 2-4 times a year (or we used too). I will travel to her with the kids 1-2 times per year, she comes to me about the same. It's not an easy journey with 2 young kids on my own but I am happy to make the effort. However, last year she kept cancelling the visits, both her visiting me and me visiting her. The reasons were bizarre and made little sense. Particularly upsetting was her cancelling my visit to her at Christmas. To be honest I was heartbroken. The reason given was another family member wanted to visit her instead (even though our arrangements had been in place for months). Worse still, my kids were heartbroken.

This Christmas I decided to make plans with other family instead. This is due to continued cancelled visits all year long. I really didn't want to risk the kids seeing no family this Christmas as well. I have only seen her once all year, all due to her cancelling over and over again. But she asked if she could visit just after Christmas. So I said yes. At 1am in the morning she was due to come I get the message: "Not coming, too worried the weather will be too bad in seven days time for the return journey home." She can leave any day, she is driving back and has no other commitments, doesn't work etc. So could just drive home any day that the weather is good.

Is it completely unreasonable to just have a break in contact for a while? I just find it all upsetting as I dont understand why my mum doesn't want to see me and my kids (they are really lovely kids). She travels loads, regularly going on holidays all over the world. Does frequent very long drives to see other family and go on holiday. So it's not the travel. The reasons for cancelling make no sense to me. Most often due to someone else making arrangements to see her or her going on a different holiday. She cancelled seeing my kids school play so she could go look at a new puppy. I don't push her into the arrangements at all. She is always the person asking to make arrangements. I don't want to let my kids down by not giving them every chance to see their nan. But at the same time I find it really hurtful.

OP posts:
Makelikeatreeandleaf · 02/01/2025 00:38

What was your relationship with your mother like before she met her husband?

TizerorFizz · 02/01/2025 00:40

Is she being controlled by step dad? Is she actually ok? This seems the obvious answer and she’s giving you excuses. I think I’d go and see her - yes I can see the difficulties - but you need to get to the bottom of this. It might not entirely be her fault. Insist you see her.

BlueSilverCats · 02/01/2025 00:41

You need to try and see her face to face , without the kids and ask what is going on.

Odds are your step dad is stopping her from seeing you.

BunnyFox · 02/01/2025 00:42

I have a sneaky suspicion your step dad is involved in all of her last-minute cancellations. In any case, while it’s great your kids love seeing their grandmother, you can’t tolerate her letting them down again and again. I would surround yourself with other, reliable and loving family and friends and agree with taking a little break from making any commitments. Perhaps a phone call to air your concerns to her would help?

Shamalamalamaawickettybongbongbadabling · 02/01/2025 00:49

Sending solidarity- my mum is exactly the same. Used to come 3/4 times a year now cancels (claiming illness) every time. She’s let me and the kids down so many times, it’s heartbreaking.

What’s funny is she goes on holiday 4/5 times a year and never cancels those.

CrispyCrumpets · 02/01/2025 00:53

How old is your Mum? 300 miles is a long trip.

geoger · 02/01/2025 01:12

I think you need to speak with your mum. Sounds like she’s being controlled by her husband - he doesn’t have a relationship with you and doesn’t want her to have one either

TizerorFizz · 02/01/2025 09:23

I think 3/4 times a year is quite a lot. I would reduce to 2 but you need to see her. What about a weekend away with just her?

Original poster
GreatDayDreamer · 02/01/2025 09:25

I can see why people would say she might be controlled by her husband from the description. But that isn't the case. She is a very strong willed person. They have been together for many years now (about 20). If anything, she is the more controlling one in the relationship. She makes all their decisions. Everything is very much her way or no way.

We had a very close relationship when I was a kid. But when I was 16 she told me I had to leave home when he moved in. It literally happened overnight (when their affair was discovered by his wife and kids). It was quite a challenge to go through at 16, as I had no where to live.

I have called her about it and tried to have open conversations explaining that it is hurtful. She has always told me that my expectations are too high. That I expect too much and if she wants to cancel that I am very unfair if I find that upsetting. It's up to her what she does not me (you can see what I mean by there is no way her husband would control her, this is how she is with everyone.)

I agree 300 miles is a big drive (it certainly felt it when I was doing it with a 1 and 4 year old!). But she drives as far to see other family all the time. Her sister lives the same distance away in a different direction and she visits her at least once a month. However, it's because of the distance I would go to her instead (to save her the long drive). But she still cancels me.

The kids don't get let down because I have stopped telling them she is going to visit. If she visits its just a surprise for them, they never know she is coming. So it's just me that finds it difficult, they just love the surprise each time.

OP posts:
User79853257976 · 02/01/2025 09:29

I haven’t read it all but who moved away? 300 miles is a long way.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/01/2025 09:30

She kicked you out and made you homeless at 16, for a new boyfriend, and you carried on a relationship with her?

Bizarred · 02/01/2025 09:30

Don't make any more arrangements to see her. If she wants to see you, she can make the effort.

Chucking you out at 16 was not really on - I always think of Maya Angelou's words "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/01/2025 09:33

@GreatDayDreamer why are you even making the effort for this woman??? stop! she isnt worth it and she showed you what she felt about you when she kicked you out at 16 so her partner would have a home! no thought for you at all! I would not even attempt to keep the relationship going with the kids! what does your partner think of her actions???

BlueSilverCats · 02/01/2025 09:43

Your update changes things. YANBU to go NC or low contact.

DancingLions · 02/01/2025 09:47

At 3 and 6, your DC will taking their cues from you. It doesn't sound to me as if they've seen enough of them to "really love them". I get it. My own mum had little to do with my DCs. But you need to lower expectations for both yourself and them. Sad that it is. Otherwise your DC will be hurt more further down the line.

My DC are adults now and see my mum as some sort of distant relation, rather than a proper grandmother. It's her loss. You reap what you sow.

Dulra · 02/01/2025 09:55

She kicked you out at 16! That is appalling she is still your legal guardian at that stage. Where did you go? Were you working still at school? My eldest is 17 still at school she is still my child I am still supporting her. That was not right and not appropriate I am so sorry.

I would have struggled with having a relationship with my mum after that.

Whoarethoseguys · 02/01/2025 09:59

BlueSilverCats · 02/01/2025 00:41

You need to try and see her face to face , without the kids and ask what is going on.

Odds are your step dad is stopping her from seeing you.

This is what I think.
It sounds very much like coercive control especially given your step father doesn't like you. It sounds as though he is trying to cut your mum off from her family

DowntonCrabbie · 02/01/2025 10:03

Whoarethoseguys · 02/01/2025 09:59

This is what I think.
It sounds very much like coercive control especially given your step father doesn't like you. It sounds as though he is trying to cut your mum off from her family

Show quote history

It doesn't sound anything like that at all. Not even slightly.

nodramaplz · 02/01/2025 10:19

TizerorFizz · 02/01/2025 09:23

I think 3/4 times a year is quite a lot. I would reduce to 2 but you need to see her. What about a weekend away with just her?

Once every 3 months to see your mum is a lot?

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2025 10:34

She was a terrible mother so is not going to turn into a wonderful gm. The truth of that is difficult to accept. The difference between fantasy and reality causes pain and depression. You , understandably, have the dream of a lovely gran who comes to see her beautiful gc and catch up with you. The reality is..l'm sorry..your dm was a horrible mother and continues to be the same as a gm. The expectations are destroying your peace. Let go the expectation, forget this woman and go on with the people who love and support you. Pull right back. Accept she is useless so you won't keep getting disappointed. Don't bother driving to see her. The ball is in her court but the level of selfishness won't change. You will be far happier when you totally accept that. None of this is your fault. It's her loss. Your kids will be fine. Grandma's are not mandatory especially bad ones.

BadgersGalore · 02/01/2025 10:53

@junebirthdaygirl that’s such a good post- my feelings exactly but worded so well. Sorry OP I have experienced similar and I understand the hurt Flowers

Lilactimes · 02/01/2025 11:05

I’m sorry @GreatDayDreamer - I have a similar version with my mum.
It does hurt. Sounds like you’re doing a great job keeping your DC out of it so they don’t understand the let downs.
Your update suggests she was quite a self centred mum even when you were younger and maybe you need some professional help dealing with her behaviour and her partial rejection of you throughout different stages of your life. Sounds like you are doing a great job now as a parent. Feel proud you’re breaking the cycle and try and invest time and energy in your family and friends who make you happy. Good luck xx

pilates · 02/01/2025 11:23

Op, I can understand why you are done. I would be too. Very sad 😔

CagneyNYPD1 · 02/01/2025 11:33

Jasmin Cori's book "The Emotionally Absent Mother" could be a very useful read for you @GreatDayDreamer. I found it useful when my DC were young and I had to unpick my relationship with my own DM.

Your mother is an incredibly self centred woman. That will never change. But now is probably the best time for you to start changing how that impacts you.

Step right back. Take time to re assess your relationship with her. Some counselling may help with this. I will be blunt...if you don't do this now, you will find yourself being run ragged when she is elderly and demands your constant attention.

Put you and your dc first.

Sparklysnowman · 02/01/2025 11:37

I think you should just leave it now, she is not going to change and you won't have the relationship you want with her.

Expect to grieve though. It is an awful realisation when you recognise that the relationship you wanted to have with your mum is just not going to happen.

Focus on you, and your dcs.