To be done with grandparents

[GreatDayDreamer]

Is it unreasonable to be completely fed up with mum and step dad?

I have two kids 3 and 6 years old. We live 300 miles away from my mum and step dad. I think it is fair to say our relationship is strained but I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents as they really love them. In the last 6 years my step dad has never visited. He is very open to expressing he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

My mum frequently messages me and is very keen for me to send photos and videos etc of my kids. However, we only see each other 2-4 times a year (or we used too). I will travel to her with the kids 1-2 times per year, she comes to me about the same. It's not an easy journey with 2 young kids on my own but I am happy to make the effort. However, last year she kept cancelling the visits, both her visiting me and me visiting her. The reasons were bizarre and made little sense. Particularly upsetting was her cancelling my visit to her at Christmas. To be honest I was heartbroken. The reason given was another family member wanted to visit her instead (even though our arrangements had been in place for months). Worse still, my kids were heartbroken.

This Christmas I decided to make plans with other family instead. This is due to continued cancelled visits all year long. I really didn't want to risk the kids seeing no family this Christmas as well. I have only seen her once all year, all due to her cancelling over and over again. But she asked if she could visit just after Christmas. So I said yes. At 1am in the morning she was due to come I get the message: "Not coming, too worried the weather will be too bad in seven days time for the return journey home." She can leave any day, she is driving back and has no other commitments, doesn't work etc. So could just drive home any day that the weather is good.

Is it completely unreasonable to just have a break in contact for a while? I just find it all upsetting as I dont understand why my mum doesn't want to see me and my kids (they are really lovely kids). She travels loads, regularly going on holidays all over the world. Does frequent very long drives to see other family and go on holiday. So it's not the travel. The reasons for cancelling make no sense to me. Most often due to someone else making arrangements to see her or her going on a different holiday. She cancelled seeing my kids school play so she could go look at a new puppy. I don't push her into the arrangements at all. She is always the person asking to make arrangements. I don't want to let my kids down by not giving them every chance to see their nan. But at the same time I find it really hurtful.

Shit mothers rarely make wonderful grandmothers… and they certainly don’t often completely change their ways and become even halfway decent mothers. Sorry op, you’re flogging a dead horse and the only person suffering for it is you… and potentially your kids given you’ve said she’s left them upset through letting them down before.

Sounds like she’s being co trolled and the ridiculous excuses are her way of letting you know.

Again, it doesn't slightly sound like that. Not even a tiny bit.

I'd give up. Isn't there a saying" when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Being told to leave at 16 was a very long time ago. So it is old history really. I'm not that far off 40! No, I had nowhere to go. I got a shared rental but had no chance of education and life changed overnight. But I am very happy with my life now, so it was all OK in the end.

I appreciate you never know what's going on for sure. But I am almost positive it's not her husband. The fact he doesn't like me probably creates an influence, but no more so than listening to anyone's general feelings. She is definitely the more controlling of the pair. A clear example would be that she still lives with her ex-husband (as a friend) as well as her current husband (and has for the whole 20 years or so). She said they were too good friends and money was too tight to split the house. I cannot imagine many new partners agreeing to this but not agreeing for the daughter to stay. I didn't contribute financially, so the house was too small for us all apparently, although it did have enough bedrooms. I didn't expect their situation to remain like it forever though. It's also something I feel awkward about explaining to my kids when they grow up, to be honest. My dad/her ex-husband has learning difficulties and is obviously, but undiagnosed, neurodivergent. Please don't judge him at all, he just doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to understand it at all.

I do wish it was all a bit less complicated!

Thanks for all the opinions. It gives me some understanding for what is and isn't reasonable to do. I just want to do what's best for my kids. I don't want a selfish decision on my part to be unfair on them and stop them seeing their nan. My partner just wants me to do what I think is best. He doesn't get on with my mum at all but would want these decisions to mine and not his. He is very supportive.