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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be done with grandparents

55 replies

GreatDayDreamer · 02/01/2025 00:31

Is it unreasonable to be completely fed up with mum and step dad?

I have two kids 3 and 6 years old. We live 300 miles away from my mum and step dad. I think it is fair to say our relationship is strained but I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents as they really love them. In the last 6 years my step dad has never visited. He is very open to expressing he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

My mum frequently messages me and is very keen for me to send photos and videos etc of my kids. However, we only see each other 2-4 times a year (or we used too). I will travel to her with the kids 1-2 times per year, she comes to me about the same. It's not an easy journey with 2 young kids on my own but I am happy to make the effort. However, last year she kept cancelling the visits, both her visiting me and me visiting her. The reasons were bizarre and made little sense. Particularly upsetting was her cancelling my visit to her at Christmas. To be honest I was heartbroken. The reason given was another family member wanted to visit her instead (even though our arrangements had been in place for months). Worse still, my kids were heartbroken.

This Christmas I decided to make plans with other family instead. This is due to continued cancelled visits all year long. I really didn't want to risk the kids seeing no family this Christmas as well. I have only seen her once all year, all due to her cancelling over and over again. But she asked if she could visit just after Christmas. So I said yes. At 1am in the morning she was due to come I get the message: "Not coming, too worried the weather will be too bad in seven days time for the return journey home." She can leave any day, she is driving back and has no other commitments, doesn't work etc. So could just drive home any day that the weather is good.

Is it completely unreasonable to just have a break in contact for a while? I just find it all upsetting as I dont understand why my mum doesn't want to see me and my kids (they are really lovely kids). She travels loads, regularly going on holidays all over the world. Does frequent very long drives to see other family and go on holiday. So it's not the travel. The reasons for cancelling make no sense to me. Most often due to someone else making arrangements to see her or her going on a different holiday. She cancelled seeing my kids school play so she could go look at a new puppy. I don't push her into the arrangements at all. She is always the person asking to make arrangements. I don't want to let my kids down by not giving them every chance to see their nan. But at the same time I find it really hurtful.

OP posts:
JMSA · 02/01/2025 11:41

Aww OP, that's rotten Flowers
I think you should definitely take a step back from her now.

Comtesse · 02/01/2025 11:42

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2025 10:34

She was a terrible mother so is not going to turn into a wonderful gm. The truth of that is difficult to accept. The difference between fantasy and reality causes pain and depression. You , understandably, have the dream of a lovely gran who comes to see her beautiful gc and catch up with you. The reality is..l'm sorry..your dm was a horrible mother and continues to be the same as a gm. The expectations are destroying your peace. Let go the expectation, forget this woman and go on with the people who love and support you. Pull right back. Accept she is useless so you won't keep getting disappointed. Don't bother driving to see her. The ball is in her court but the level of selfishness won't change. You will be far happier when you totally accept that. None of this is your fault. It's her loss. Your kids will be fine. Grandma's are not mandatory especially bad ones.

This is dead right. She was rubbish when you were a teenager and age does not appear to have improved her. Sorry OP this is on her not you - it was never your fault Flowers

JMSA · 02/01/2025 11:43

We had a very close relationship when I was a kid. But when I was 16 she told me I had to leave home when he moved in. It literally happened overnight (when their affair was discovered by his wife and kids). It was quite a challenge to go through at 16, as I had no where to live.

What a fucking bitch. I think I'd go no contact for this alone.
You're lovely OP and deserve better than this absolute waste of space x

Lackinthesack · 02/01/2025 11:59

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like typical narcissistic behaviour on her part and as someone who has spent their life trying to be enough for their narc parent, I understand where you’re at. I had a lot of counselling, and found that distance was the only thing that helped. Good luck x

TizerorFizz · 02/01/2025 12:01

@nodramaplz Yes. If 300 miles away. Many I know do a long stay in the summer and then Christmas. It’s hard work every 3 months and families do have other holidays and relatives to think of. Not everyone can see parents all the time if they are distant.

wizzywig · 02/01/2025 12:05

God could you imagine kicking your kids out like that when they're 16?. Send a thumbs up to her and get on with your life

hideawayforever · 02/01/2025 12:08

I can't believe how you're still talking to her after she kicked you out at 16, that's appalling.
The thing is she seems to get away with this type of behaviour with no consequences so of course she'll carry on being awful until you say No, you're not putting up with her anymore.
I would definitely leave any contact up to her in the future, I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to talk to her or visit her.

hideawayforever · 02/01/2025 12:10

wizzywig · 02/01/2025 12:05

God could you imagine kicking your kids out like that when they're 16?. Send a thumbs up to her and get on with your life

yes this

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2025 12:11

Also seconding @junebirthdaygirl post. Kicking you out age 16 so she could move her new man in and new man isn't in the least put off his new partner by this action, assuming he knew the truth??

She's not interested in you or your kids. She'll see you if there's nothing "better" on offer. Set yourselves free from future disappointment by binning her off.

TangerineClementine · 02/01/2025 12:15

Honestly OP she sounds absolutely horrible. What she did to you at 16 was truly awful. Would you consider cutting contact completely?

Pinkyhere · 02/01/2025 12:24

She has treated you terribly.
Just take a break from it. Archive her rather than blocking so there's less drama and respond to any suggestions of her visits with minimal -ok great.
If there are other family members who ate open to being close with you, work on those relationships.
And good luck because it really sounds heartbreaking

MangshorJhol · 02/01/2025 12:26

She wasn't a good mother if she threw you out at 16 and moved a man in.
She's not a good grandmother.
I think you are expecting her to be the grandmother she isn't going to be. You don't have to completely cut off contact. You can just maintain contact on your terms, aka be low contact. But don't make plans, don't expect her to make plans. Send the odd text/photo- once every fortnight?

Also the kids can't really love their grandparents if your step dad literally refuses to see them. He's just a mythical figure. And your mum only pops in occasionally. I am sure your children see more of your friends than they do of her.

MacaroniSaysShetlandPony · 02/01/2025 12:35

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2025 10:34

She was a terrible mother so is not going to turn into a wonderful gm. The truth of that is difficult to accept. The difference between fantasy and reality causes pain and depression. You , understandably, have the dream of a lovely gran who comes to see her beautiful gc and catch up with you. The reality is..l'm sorry..your dm was a horrible mother and continues to be the same as a gm. The expectations are destroying your peace. Let go the expectation, forget this woman and go on with the people who love and support you. Pull right back. Accept she is useless so you won't keep getting disappointed. Don't bother driving to see her. The ball is in her court but the level of selfishness won't change. You will be far happier when you totally accept that. None of this is your fault. It's her loss. Your kids will be fine. Grandma's are not mandatory especially bad ones.

@junebirthdaygirl this post is so helpful and not just for OP. It’s spot on advice. I don’t want to derail the thread and have nothing much to add but I felt compelled to post in support of this approach as I’m on the early days of attempting to do this with my DF.

It’s been hard accepting that my hopes for our relationship with DF as a father and a grandparent are a million miles away from what he is able or willing to give so I’ve (finally) tried to reset my own expectations. OP I hope you can similar for you and your lovely children. Good luck - it’s not easy but you will learn to feel better about it.

IncessantNameChanger · 02/01/2025 12:42

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2025 10:34

She was a terrible mother so is not going to turn into a wonderful gm. The truth of that is difficult to accept. The difference between fantasy and reality causes pain and depression. You , understandably, have the dream of a lovely gran who comes to see her beautiful gc and catch up with you. The reality is..l'm sorry..your dm was a horrible mother and continues to be the same as a gm. The expectations are destroying your peace. Let go the expectation, forget this woman and go on with the people who love and support you. Pull right back. Accept she is useless so you won't keep getting disappointed. Don't bother driving to see her. The ball is in her court but the level of selfishness won't change. You will be far happier when you totally accept that. None of this is your fault. It's her loss. Your kids will be fine. Grandma's are not mandatory especially bad ones.

Unfortunately as sad as it, I agree with this. It's the same for my ILs. Also my own mum. You see other mums being great and you want that. Unfortunately your mum hasn't got it inside to give. I had councilling which helped.

Don't tell your kids until you know your a hour from seeing her. I do this with a flakes friend I want in my life but who cancels. My default is that its not happening. If it does its a bonus but I never tell my kids until my mate says she is on route.

WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet · 02/01/2025 13:06

GreatDayDreamer · 02/01/2025 09:25

I can see why people would say she might be controlled by her husband from the description. But that isn't the case. She is a very strong willed person. They have been together for many years now (about 20). If anything, she is the more controlling one in the relationship. She makes all their decisions. Everything is very much her way or no way.

We had a very close relationship when I was a kid. But when I was 16 she told me I had to leave home when he moved in. It literally happened overnight (when their affair was discovered by his wife and kids). It was quite a challenge to go through at 16, as I had no where to live.

I have called her about it and tried to have open conversations explaining that it is hurtful. She has always told me that my expectations are too high. That I expect too much and if she wants to cancel that I am very unfair if I find that upsetting. It's up to her what she does not me (you can see what I mean by there is no way her husband would control her, this is how she is with everyone.)

I agree 300 miles is a big drive (it certainly felt it when I was doing it with a 1 and 4 year old!). But she drives as far to see other family all the time. Her sister lives the same distance away in a different direction and she visits her at least once a month. However, it's because of the distance I would go to her instead (to save her the long drive). But she still cancels me.

The kids don't get let down because I have stopped telling them she is going to visit. If she visits its just a surprise for them, they never know she is coming. So it's just me that finds it difficult, they just love the surprise each time.

Cut her off. She isn't able to care or love properly. I'm sorry.

BilboBlaggin · 02/01/2025 13:18

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/01/2025 09:30

She kicked you out and made you homeless at 16, for a new boyfriend, and you carried on a relationship with her?

Absolutely this. I would have gone NC at this point. You'd be perfectly reasonable to never see her again.

BIossomtoes · 02/01/2025 13:20

TizerorFizz · 02/01/2025 00:40

Is she being controlled by step dad? Is she actually ok? This seems the obvious answer and she’s giving you excuses. I think I’d go and see her - yes I can see the difficulties - but you need to get to the bottom of this. It might not entirely be her fault. Insist you see her.

That was my first thought. I’d be very concerned about her. It’s not just young women who are abused.

BrightSnail · 02/01/2025 13:28

She should be spectacularly grateful you'll countenance a relationship with her at all after choosing a man over you. My mother did the same when I was 14. We are very low contact as a result. You need to decide whether her presence in their lives (such as it is) is a net benefit to your children. I'm not sure I'd be giving her the opportunity to do the emotional harm of which I know she's capable to them. If you are determined that there must be a relationship then I fear you may need to accept that she's the kind of person who won't ever choose between pissing and getting off the pot. You can try to have a heart to heart, but in my experience people like this become hostile and belligerent when called out. I hope you understand that divesting from this relationship for your protection is OK. I do know that being abandoned by a parent like that does a number on your self esteem. She will not prioritise you or your children. You must be prepared to do that yourself.

forgotmyusername1 · 02/01/2025 13:31

Honestly I would stop suggesting meeting up. If she does say OK but plan nothing. If she turns up she turns up, if she doesn't then nothing has changed. Assume she won't come and if she does then great.

lightsandtunnels · 02/01/2025 13:41

I agree with PPs that your Mum is a terrible Mother. To throw you out at 16 so she could move her bf in is a hugely selfish act. Clearly, she hasn't changed.

She sounds toxic and you sound like such a lovely Mum and caring daughter who frankly, she doesn't deserve.

I would also leave her to it. Reduce your contact massively and only make contact if you absolutely have to. If a friend was always cancelling on you, then they would not be a friend. Surround yourself with the people you love and who love you back OP.

suburburban · 02/01/2025 13:54

She sounds very selfish.

Who kicks their dd out at 16.

Yanbu

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 02/01/2025 14:01

He is very open to expressing he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

It seems your mother is also the same. She's a monster. No decent person boots their child out of their home just to accommodate their sex life. Go to the Stately Homes boards and stop trying to get this woman to behave like a decent person. It's only hurting you.

Cotonsugar · 02/01/2025 14:08

It’s totally not unreasonable to take a break from her. It’s unacceptable to keep cancelling arrangements with ridiculous excuses, i.e. looking at a puppy. She should want to see her grandchildren and nothing should stop her apart from illness or something serious. Tell her you can’t cope with this and will see her when you’re ready. As for your step dad, nobody knows what goes on in a marriage except those involved.

TizerorFizz · 02/01/2025 17:35

Just because they have been together for a long time, it doesn’t mean the DM here isn’t unduly influenced by step dad. If she did kick dc out at 16 (where to?) then she’s clearly manipulated by her husband. Where did you live at 16 OP? With a friend? This is not the sort of background that makes for happy families is it?

Pillarsofsalt · 02/01/2025 17:40

She kicked you out at 16!! And now she’s treating you like crap again. Your kids don’t deserve a relationship with someone who behaves like this. She is already hurting them too. You sound like a lovely caring mum. Leave her to it and focus on yourselves. I’m so angry on your behalf!

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