Who is BU?

[BlackBean2023]

Couple - A and B (I am one of them). 2 kids - 17 and 8.

NYE plans were to have dinner with next door neighbours and some mutual friends then come home c.11pm to see NY in quietly at home. Kids went back home approx. 9pm.

A and B both drinking but A more than B. At 11pm B says they are going home to check on the kids and wishes everyone a happy new year. Sees NY in alone as both kids were asleep and goes to bed at 12.30am.

A comes home at 1am with 2 of the mutual friends and continues drinking/eating/chatting in the kitchen at home until 2.30am.

Both A and B are up at 8.30am but A understandably has a raging hangover. B is annoyed that A carried on drinking when the plan was to come home, B thinks A needs to lighten up.

It's not been the best year of marriage for A and B, and they are currently in marriage counselling.

Who is BU? (I will reveal if I'm A or B either way!)

It's not irrelevant. She's making herself a martyr and is cross he didn't do the same. A 17 year old is perfectly capable of watching an 8 year old and a dog. She didn't need to go home at 11pm and stay there, indeed she herself says she just popped back to check in them. Presumably they were fine as OP doesn't mention they weren't and she decided to stay there rather than returned to the fun.

Martyring yourself doesn't make for a happy marriage either. There's no need.

B is being a bore. It was NYE! It's an exception. If A was doing this every weekend then I would crack it. But not for NYE.

Absolutely this

and playing games

sorry OP, we all do it but it helps us to have it called out. It would be a good discussion for your counselling to clarify what actually happened - were you setting a test? Is there an issue with boundaries?

B should have gone back to the party when B saw that both kids were asleep.

Is B annoyed that A didn't follow the plans to leave the party at 11.30? To be honest, it was a plan that was never going to work. Did B make the plan and A begrudgingly agree?

B expecting A to leave a NY party before midnight is a bit bonkers. Why didn't B text/call kids before leaving the party? An 8 year old was always unlikely to stay awake until midnight in a quiet house. If B was unhappy to be alone at midnight B should have gone back to the party.

I don't see a problem with A and friends coming back to the house and staying up late, unless there's a huge backstory of umpteen loud drunken parties.

I’d be annoyed too OP. Mainly because you’d made a plan to see in the new year together, and your husband didn’t stick to the plan, so you were on your own. And those suggesting you went back to the neighbours - I wouldn’t have done that, as I’d have felt a bit silly, after saying goodbye and wishing everyone a happy new year. And I’d also have been pissed off with DH for bringing someone back and making a noise.

The A and B thing was a bit strange though, because it was obvious which you were!!

I think it wasnt a great plan to start with… why leave the kids alone on NYE? All our friends just take their kids with them and they have a lot of fun together. Put matrasses on the floor in a corner and the little ones can have a nap. We always go home around 2:30 together as a family. It doesn’t sound much fun for anyone if we all split up and do things on our own.

It's unclear to me whether your DH has a problem with alcohol? If he does I think YABU. If he doesn't I think he's BU.
It sounds like maybe he was trying to avoid drinking - first by not going out at all, then by setting an early home time. But he failed in his commitment to not drink at all / to excess. And his plans fell apart.
If that is what was going on I think you've let him down. He needs you to help him drink safely / stop drinking. Don't push him to go out when he knows he's likely to fail if he does.
But if that's not the situation I think I'd be upset he hadn't tried to get back to be with me for the countdown to midnight. Even if he'd gone straight back to the party after midnight, it would be sweet to see the new year in together.
(DH and I almost made it to midnight but fell asleep at about quarter to!!!).

Plans often change and evolve as nights go on. Staying up until 2:30 on NYE is hardly outrageous behaviour. I think you need to lighten up. You could have checked on the kids and dog and rejoined if you'd wanted to. You didn't want to and that's fine, but I don't think you should be too angry with DH for wanting to party a bit longer.

Don't need the reveal to guess that you are B

So husband makes plans to all go next door as a family and enjoy a good laugh and some drinks, and the. return home as a family before midnight to see in the bells and keep an eye on kids and dogs.

Wife agrees. Doesn't arrange babysitter. Plans are made for the next day with husbands parents. Fair enough.

Husband gets a whiff of drink, abandons all plans in order to be the party boy, leaving wife alone at new year despite them being in marriage counselling and having a fresh start. Is now a crabbit fuck and has to go to his mums with family for dinner hungover and grumpy.

And people are saying the wife is boring and unreasonable?

It's the husband who is an inconsiderate selfish alcoholic fuck who caused it all.

The wife was game to arrange a sitter and go out together but he promised a romantic bells at home by the sound of it. Until the first dram was poured.....

Sorry OP. He's always going to be a party boy.

I'd be off. As you can probably tell I can't abide drunks and their attitude to responsibility.

Except @DeliciousApples i think it was the wife who made the plans which makes it even worse!

B needs to loosen up and let A have fun. B could also have popped back to the party rather than martyr themselves on the sofa.

If anything I'm annoyed at not being able to join in the fun because I'm the one who stuck to the plan

you do need to lighten up. It's not like transport were booked, and things organised, it was just about having fun next door. There was no real plan, was there.

You were fine with the kids being home alone from 9pm, nothing changed. Why did they have to go home so early in the first place?

A reasonable person would have popped home to check on the kids etc, then

1. gone to bed because wasn't feeling like joining back the party but not resent others!
2. gone back next door for a bit of fun

If I am going next door to spend an evening with my neighbour, for drinks or even a coffee, and stay longer than planed - even if not New Year's Eve, I would be pissed off if my husband starting sulking moaning that I should be a good wife and go to bed early, when he could have stayed with us if he wanted!

B could have returned nextdoor when they realised A was not returning at 11:30, even just to toast NY.

NT 17-year-old should be capable of minding the dog & the 8-year-old.

DH getting merrily fun drunk at nye - fine IMO.
DH getting argumentative drunk then being a bastard - not OK.

He needs a plan as to how he's going to be more moderate beforehand. EG only soft drinks until dinner or whatever.

This is exactly how I feel.

I wanted to see new year in with the neighbours. He didn't so we agreed that we'd come home before midnight and the evening was planned around coming home.

DD had work today so I didn't expect her to stay up dog sitting but even if she had been awake, they were expecting us home. The dog was probably the biggest issue and driver of needing to be home, she HATES fireworks.

Anyway, accepting I've been unreasonable expecting DH to stick to the plan he arranged. I'm pretty sure that by next year we'll be seeing NY in separately anyway so it's all a moot point really.

There's a 17 year old there!!! Why on earth would babysitters be being talked about?!?

@BlackBean2023 you weren't being unreasonable. Some women just have really low standards. That’s their problem, not yours.

It's unreasonable to expect a party plan at neighbours to be set in stone. He was having a good time, let him be.

I don't see why you had to come home. If you were both having a good time, stay out. I'd have let the 8yo stay up or maybe put him to sleep at neighbours unless the 17yo was happy to go to bed and take the 8yo home.

TBH DH has been known to bring the kids home from neighbours, then get them up just for the bells and bob back over to join the party just for midnight.

I think the problem isn't NYE. I think this is you resentful over wider relationship issues.

Just be wary that being pissed off over this makes you a killjoy and may make you seem less reasonable in other, more legitimate gripes.

Some real fun people on this thread

Sounds like A wasnt really happy with the original arrangement so it really depends what was going on before hand, there isn't enough context to say one is more unreasonable than the other.