Who is BU?

[BlackBean2023]

Couple - A and B (I am one of them). 2 kids - 17 and 8.

NYE plans were to have dinner with next door neighbours and some mutual friends then come home c.11pm to see NY in quietly at home. Kids went back home approx. 9pm.

A and B both drinking but A more than B. At 11pm B says they are going home to check on the kids and wishes everyone a happy new year. Sees NY in alone as both kids were asleep and goes to bed at 12.30am.

A comes home at 1am with 2 of the mutual friends and continues drinking/eating/chatting in the kitchen at home until 2.30am.

Both A and B are up at 8.30am but A understandably has a raging hangover. B is annoyed that A carried on drinking when the plan was to come home, B thinks A needs to lighten up.

It's not been the best year of marriage for A and B, and they are currently in marriage counselling.

Who is BU? (I will reveal if I'm A or B either way!)

On this isolated occasion I think it's ok to stay out on NYE. As long as A is able to join in any plans today I don't see the issue.

I think B needs to lighten up. A was chatting with friends, and drinking. They weren’t noisy and didn’t wake anyone else up. plus it New Years Eve, time to let your hair down a little.

Where did op say they were being a childish embarrassing twat?

It sounds like an unusual plan for NYE and potentially one that one partner was imposing on the other. If I chose to leave early then I wouldn’t get annoyed with DH if he was having fun and stayed on unless there was an important event the next day or some other reason for the quiet night. If I was the partner who stayed on and DH got annoyed with me I would feel a bit controlled tbh.

I think B needs to lighten up.

I am B.

I had to come home because the kids were expecting us home at 11 and we have a dog who doesn't like fireworks. The plan was always to come home. It's also been a difficult year and we agreed we just wanted to quietly see the back of it.

DH (A) is up and moping - he didn't have to get up but is playing the martyr which is probably annoying me more. He has form for not being sensible with his drinking so I shouldn't be surprised but it's one of the issues that has come out of our counselling sessions (he goes from fun drunk to annoying drunk very quickly) and I think I'm disappointed he had the opportunity to demonstrate he could listen to how I feel but has ignored it.

Yes I am with B just because A agreed to it and it is rude to just change plans without letting B know and leaving B alone.

FWIW I wanted to go to next door neighbours and he didn't - it was him that originally suggested we should say we'd only stay until 11.

I wouldn't want to live so rigidly as B. (Can't remember which is which - the one that went home at 11). Plans change, he was having fun, live a little.

I’m with B (the one staying up and having fun impromptu- might have got this wrong) wanting to let loose and have some fun

kids are 17 and 8 so don’t need to be mollycoddled the next day

I wouldn’t be best pleased if he isn’t a good drunk but I grew up with alcoholic parents so I have very little patience for people who get drunk.

But I would be annoyed about the change of plan and just leaving me alone to be responsible for the children and dog-it’s unfair. Happy New Year though to everyone.

B is BU. It's NYE and you were at a party! Lighten up a bit.

If A was enjoying themselves with company, why should they have to stop that when B doesn't actually want to do anything?

B is selfish, if there were actual plans then fair enough, but being upset because A wanted to enjoy themselves is weird.

That being said, A shouldn't have brought the party home, knowing everyone in their house was in bed.

Ya both bu in my opinion! It's nye, why do you need a rigid plan. You either want to celebrate nye together or you don't. DC were in bed, A could have come to find B next door just before midnight to say 'hey come back next door let's countdown together' but equally b could have seen the time and gone back to find a to say the same. It seems like you are both expecting the other to do it but both cba in the moment. I'm more of a party animal than dh so I'm more likely to stay out later or invite friends back but I'd expect him to speak up and say in the moment if he had an issue so I could resolve it rather than moan to me after the event. A sounds a bit thoughtless but B sounds like a bit of a party pooper - neither are that big a deal though unless you make it into one

B could do with lightening up a bit. If my partner wanted to stay and be sociable when I wanted to go home, or vice versa, I can’t see the problem

edited to ask - did A disturb the house by coming back with friends? If so, that’s definitely not ok

I think she “b” might be annoyed he didn’t let her know rather than he stayed out? And I would imagine it’s lots of little things A has done during 2024 that is getting rolled into the OPs annoyance?

If he’s a problematic drinker (which you didn’t mention in the OP) then you are not going to be able to rely on him to make a plan and stick to it when alcohol is involved. He won’t change until he wants to and you are always going to be on edge in social situations. It’s up to you whether you can live like that.

A should have gone to find B for midnight, seems a bit selfish really to not do that but I don't know why they agreed to leave at 11 anyway from a new years party

Was it clear to him you weren't coming back, as originally you say you went to check on the kids.

Was there any communication between you two in that time? Like him asking you to come back or you asking him if he's coming home?

Does he have form for agreeing to things and then changing the plans/goalposts as and when it suits him?

B sounds boring. It's not unreasonable to have a drink at new year and want to stay at a party.

You clearly don't like your husband, I can't imagine begrudging my husband a good time and a drink assuming he doesn't have an alcohol problem.

It was obvious you were B, what was the point of it.

B is unreasonable. It was nye, loosen up a little

B is unreasonable. It was nye, loosen up a little

If he has issues with alcohol then to be honest it seems like you set this up as some sort of test. It's new years, I'd expect people to be drinking at a new year's party and staying out past 11. Plus if the kids were asleep I don't see why you'd need to go back and check on them. It all sounds set up to catch him out in some way especially if he didn't originally want to go.

You’re both being unreasonable and this isn’t about what happened last night, it’s about the state of your relationship

I will accept I am BU but I'm absolutely not boring.

We never had plans to stay - because DH had wanted to come home before midnight - which meant we had no babysitter (for DD8) and no dog sitter for the dog scared of fireworks. It was a dinner with next door neighbours and 2 mutual friends, not a party. I had no choice but to come and stay home because that's what the plan had always been. They are next door neighbours but more than a stones throw away.

If anything I'm annoyed at not being able to join in the fun because I'm the one who stuck to the plan, if the plan was drinking until 2.30am I'd have made suitable arrangements for that and not lunch at my MILs today