Who is BU?

[BlackBean2023]

Couple - A and B (I am one of them). 2 kids - 17 and 8.

NYE plans were to have dinner with next door neighbours and some mutual friends then come home c.11pm to see NY in quietly at home. Kids went back home approx. 9pm.

A and B both drinking but A more than B. At 11pm B says they are going home to check on the kids and wishes everyone a happy new year. Sees NY in alone as both kids were asleep and goes to bed at 12.30am.

A comes home at 1am with 2 of the mutual friends and continues drinking/eating/chatting in the kitchen at home until 2.30am.

Both A and B are up at 8.30am but A understandably has a raging hangover. B is annoyed that A carried on drinking when the plan was to come home, B thinks A needs to lighten up.

It's not been the best year of marriage for A and B, and they are currently in marriage counselling.

Who is BU? (I will reveal if I'm A or B either way!)

It is if the plan wasn't that and arrangements hadn't been made.

If anything I'm annoyed at not being able to join in the fun because I'm the one who stuck to the plan,

Thats not how it comes across in your previous posts, quite the opposite. You resented A staying out and having fun and not sticking to your very rigid plan.
There was a 17 year old at home, the 8 year old and dog would be just as fine with them as with you.

Surprised your 17 year wasn’t out with their friends or at a party.

I would be chill and I have no desire for NYE because I hate having close contact or being kissed by loads of people at midnight.

My teenagers came in around 4 am and then proceeded to talk to their girlfriends on the phone (Uni relationships). I went back to sleep and was glad this year they got an uber instead of me picking them up.

Not going to lie it was irritating but I would never be so controlling on big celebrating occasions.

Why can't plans change if you're having a good time? Why didn't the children stay and celebrate new year with their parents? The whole family sounds like they did their own thing which is fair enough except the OP is grumpy with her husband for staying out. He clearly is supposed to just do as he is told because 'that's the plan'.

Agreed.

If you wanted to go and he didn't I don't understand why you didn't just go alone? It seems you're frustration is that having convinced him to go he then had more fun than you.

which meant we had no babysitter (for DD8)

Was your 17 year old staying in? If so, then if they can look after your 8 year old until 11, I don't see why they can't do it until later?

Me thinks someone needs to loosen DH leash a little.

@BlackBean2023 everybody needs to just relax and go with the flow a bit more! no right or wrong here!

A is unreasonable. They need to lighten up

A is unreasonable.

I'm a bit torn in this...I can see why you are annoyed at the plan having changed.

But I also think you could have potentially done things differently depending on some factors...why didnt the kids stay too at the party?
Or when you popped home to find them in bed, why not go back to the party? Send them a quick text so if they woke up they knew where you were?
Puut some music on to distract dog from fireworks?

Sounds a bit like you were being a martyr by sitting alone being annoyed rarher than go back to the party

I think the beauty of going next door is plans dont have to be so rigid and you can change your mind easily about staying later if the mood takes you, which it sounds like it did with your husband.
I dont think that is unreasonable for new years eve and I wouldn't be too annoyed with him

I think given that one of your DC is 17, you could have left them to look after the younger one and the dog.
You've said that they were both asleep when you go home, so I guess you could have gone out again. I get that having said you'd be back at 11, you did need to do that.
Might moving the party to yours have been a possibility? Or taking DC with you in the first place?
I think the problem is a) DH being hungover ( although that's not really your problem unless the DC have issues that mean they need more looking after than most kids of that age) and b) that having been the one to say you'd both be home by 11, he then stayed out when you would have liked to have done so, presumably without consultation. He then proceeded to carry on the party at yours but not at a time to involve you. That's annoying, and I can see that you would feel left out. Is it a question of when he's been drinking, all sense of duty and care disappears? In a happy relationship, I don't think this would be a huge issue as one-off, but if there are already problems, it does come across as he'll do what he wants and you can be the sensible one.
On the other hand, the DC and the dog were all fine and you chose to stay at home, when you could have returned to the party.
What I would say is don't get into an argument with someone who is hungover and probably still drunk. You can ignore him if you have to, but you won't get anything useful out of a discussion about it all right now.

@FrannyScraps so if you go on holiday and your husband is having fun and says you and the kids go home(work/school,other commitments), that's all ok?

Not even similar! He was next door fgs! Are you always so over the top?

Nye is once a year and noone had enough sleep as a one off. It's hardly a big deal really.
If this was happening on a regular basis then that would be different.
It's like christmas, a lot of people get so hung up on the perfect day and the perfect nye that they have an expectation of how wonderful it should all be. In reality some people drink too much and do stupid things.
I never get those on here who sit and cry about it because the fairy tale ending didn't happen. It's only a new month on the calender after all.

Not at all. It's the same principle. Apparently having fun trumps changing plans to suit and leaving your spouse on their own for NYE/prioritising said fun.

Now I don't give a crap about NY , but it seems to be a thing with OP and her DH AND they're having relationship problems (on top of his alcohol problems).

So OP gets to decide everything? She wanted to go to the dinner in the first place, he didn't. But along they go. Then she pops back to check on the children (one almost an adult so she doesn't have to stay) and rather than rejoin her husband and friends, she stays home and goes to bed.

I can see why they have problems.

The way you guys spent NYE isn't the real issue.

The problem is his excessive drinking and the fact that your marriage is unravelling.

I suspect the two may be connected...

I think its obvious who you are!

This for sure, maybe not ask partner to “demonstrate” on NYE or be clear abou5 the test

I don't think either of you is being hugely unreasonable, but I think staying up because you are having a good time on NYE is almost certainly not the crime of the century.

@FrannyScraps HE decided they should go back at 11, hence OP not planning for a longer night. Whether it was needed or not, it's irrelevant. Also very telling that the husband decided to keep having fun with no care for the kids or the dogs.

Low standards for men , do not a happy relationship make. Well, except for the men.

readjng the posts it is the DH who made these suggestions and then drank too much and changed his mind. If he had said he wanted it as a plan or made different day plans the OP (who wanted the party in the first place) would have acted differently

I take it alcohol is an issue in your relationship

@arethereanyleftatall but you cant live like that with an 8 year old and dogs it is the downside of parenting you can’t just go with the flow. Someone had to be sensible