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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum BU or am I?

82 replies

mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:37

Will try and give a backstory very briefly:
I am recently divorced - about 4 months ago, however, have been 'officially separated' from ex husband for a couple of years.
It's been a very hard few years and I have changed a lot, mainly in that I've stopped being a people pleaser. I come from a very orthodox background and I basically sleep walked into a marriage that was pleasing to my mum (as she found the Western men that I was dating very offputting and that made life very hard for me). I have children with my ex husband.
Anyway. Long story short, I have been seeing a man for a year now (oddly enough the healthiest relationship I've ever had) and it's been non-stop issues with my mum and I honestly can't take it anymore. Constant disapproval and disappointment in me. I've tried to create some firm but gentle boundaries because I love her and I know she loves me and I'm all she has (I know this is not my fault but it's the situation). She is also basically the only family I have.
So - to the point - she says the issue she has is because this new man is around my children (he has them of a similar age and they get on extremely well). We have been very very careful not to let on to the children that we are anything more than friends (the children are young, they basically just have had the odd playdate/outing with this man and his kids). My mum says I have no respect for 'common decency'. I believe the situation is totally fine and above board, however I've been told I can be a bit black and white about things. New man and I are both extremely cautious as we're both pretty devastated about divorce etc. Am I being unreasonable? Should I leave a 'respectful amount of time' between divorce and seeing someone? Am I putting my children in danger? Or is my mum BU? Is it ok for me to be seeing this man so long as we proceed with caution? Is this her strict background and 'what will the neighbours think' mentality? I am honestly continuously crushed by her responses to me and her habit of forgiving and rejecting me over and over again. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:41

i imagine she’s just very worried about you and her grandchildren

how old are your children?

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:42

as for introducing the children…. well it’s done now but HELL NO i wouldn’t have done so early

SometimesCalmPerson · 01/01/2025 08:44

Your mum is right that you shouldn’t have a new man around your children. When he’s no longer a new man and it’s a well established relationship, then he gets to be around your kids.

I exist your mum is just concerned about her grandchildren.

Octavia64 · 01/01/2025 08:44

Absolutely fine to be seeing someone.

I wouldn't have got the kids involved.

Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:45

Kids are between 4 and 8

OP posts:
Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:45

SometimesCalmPerson · 01/01/2025 08:44

Your mum is right that you shouldn’t have a new man around your children. When he’s no longer a new man and it’s a well established relationship, then he gets to be around your kids.

I exist your mum is just concerned about her grandchildren.

ok Thank you- how long until he’s not a ‘new man’?

OP posts:
SometimesCalmPerson · 01/01/2025 08:47

At least a year, and after you know his friends and family well enough to know they are good people too.

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:48

I really feel for your mum
this must be like watching a slow moving car crash with you daughter driving oblivious and her grandchildren in the back. Without their seatbelts on

Travis1 · 01/01/2025 08:48

youve been together a year? And the kids think of him as just a friend? Then I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You’re not parading a new guy through the door every other week. You’re not leaving the kids alone with him. I’d ignore your mum and put more boundaries in place

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:49

when did you introduce all the children and he meet your children? as it’s a year in and sounds like been ongoing

Namechangeforthis88 · 01/01/2025 08:51

Op is been seeing the new guy for a year. Don't think she mentions how long they had been seeing each other before they met each other's children.

Just flagging because he's not such a "new" man as he sounds in the op.

I don't think it's about decency in the religious sense of what will people say, just that it can be confusing and upsetting for kids to start blending with another family too early e.g. if it doesn't work out, also some men work their way in to take advantage of you (e.g. to take over the parenting donkey work) or worse, your children.

If he's putting up a front of being a great guy, and later turns out to be a lazy arse or abuser, it's harder to separate when kids are involved.

Babycatsmummy · 01/01/2025 08:51

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Play dates in the park is a completely neutral setting, there is no stranger invading your kids home etc and you are putting them first by respecting their boundaries. When the time is right I'm sure you will know in your heart it's ok to take things further and have him and his children in your home and children's space.

As for your mum.... I appreciate she is concerned however you sound very sensible and your children definitely are not being put at any risk. Maybe a conversation with your mum should happen where you just politely inform her you are a grown woman and will always do what is best for your kids and it's time for you to have a bit of happiness now and this can happen sensibly.

( p.s you will get some daft comments on here as they think new relationships shouldn't introduce their children ever to new partners, no matter how long it's been)

Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:53

SometimesCalmPerson · 01/01/2025 08:47

At least a year, and after you know his friends and family well enough to know they are good people too.

Ok, so it’s been a year, is that ok?

OP posts:
ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:54

it’s a year NOW
but the children have already met and “get on well”

so you introduced them before a year. Substantially i imagine

Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:54

Travis1 · 01/01/2025 08:48

youve been together a year? And the kids think of him as just a friend? Then I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You’re not parading a new guy through the door every other week. You’re not leaving the kids alone with him. I’d ignore your mum and put more boundaries in place

Yes this is exactly it. The kids don’t see him or his children a great deal, once a week or less. And they know him as a friend of mine. I don’t think I would introduce him as anything more for at least another year

OP posts:
ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:55

good grief this must be so concerning and frustrating for the Op’s family and friends

Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:56

Namechangeforthis88 · 01/01/2025 08:51

Op is been seeing the new guy for a year. Don't think she mentions how long they had been seeing each other before they met each other's children.

Just flagging because he's not such a "new" man as he sounds in the op.

I don't think it's about decency in the religious sense of what will people say, just that it can be confusing and upsetting for kids to start blending with another family too early e.g. if it doesn't work out, also some men work their way in to take advantage of you (e.g. to take over the parenting donkey work) or worse, your children.

If he's putting up a front of being a great guy, and later turns out to be a lazy arse or abuser, it's harder to separate when kids are involved.

The children having play dates is fairly recent, and he never stays over or anything like that. It really is just a play date. I would hate for them to become truly attached and for the relationship to then not work, which is why I said I was proceeding with caution.

OP posts:
Coocoocachooh · 01/01/2025 08:57

mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:53

Ok, so it’s been a year, is that ok?

Show quote history

It seems like you're asking for some definitive answer....well there isn't one. You have to risk assess for yourself. Have you done that? Have you asked yourself these sorts of questions...

Do I trust his intentions around my children?
How will the kids feel if we break up?
How will my kids percive a break up?
Do I believe that there's a future with this guy?

Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:57

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:54

it’s a year NOW
but the children have already met and “get on well”

so you introduced them before a year. Substantially i imagine

Edited

Yes it was a few months ago, but I don’t know how this would be any different to having a play date with any other parent and their children, which I do quite a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:58

Babycatsmummy · 01/01/2025 08:51

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Play dates in the park is a completely neutral setting, there is no stranger invading your kids home etc and you are putting them first by respecting their boundaries. When the time is right I'm sure you will know in your heart it's ok to take things further and have him and his children in your home and children's space.

As for your mum.... I appreciate she is concerned however you sound very sensible and your children definitely are not being put at any risk. Maybe a conversation with your mum should happen where you just politely inform her you are a grown woman and will always do what is best for your kids and it's time for you to have a bit of happiness now and this can happen sensibly.

( p.s you will get some daft comments on here as they think new relationships shouldn't introduce their children ever to new partners, no matter how long it's been)

Thank you so much for this, it means a lot.

I simply cannot see the issue, at all. He could be any other parent I’m having play dates with.

i have tried to have this conversation with my mum, several times. It’s hard

OP posts:
Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 09:00

Coocoocachooh · 01/01/2025 08:57

It seems like you're asking for some definitive answer....well there isn't one. You have to risk assess for yourself. Have you done that? Have you asked yourself these sorts of questions...

Do I trust his intentions around my children?
How will the kids feel if we break up?
How will my kids percive a break up?
Do I believe that there's a future with this guy?

Show quote history

I have asked myself these questions but what doesn’t seem to be clear in my post is that the children don’t think this is anything other than a friend with children. There is no ‘romantic’ connection in their eyes at all. If he suddenly vanished from my life it would be fine for them.

OP posts:
OliveLeader · 01/01/2025 09:02

I think this is fine. I’m generally cautious about people introducing new partners to children, but in this instance he hasn’t been introduced to your children as a partner and you haven’t brought him into your home. Your children just view him as a friend of yours with kids their own ages - that’s a sensible, neutral and low pressure way for them to meet and for you to assess how they all get on together.

Keep taking it slowly, as you have been. Your mother’s worry may come from a place of love but her concerns about ‘common decency’ suggest this is more about her general attitude towards the morality of divorce than any specific safety concerns. Reassure her that you’re taking it slow and won’t rush into anything, but that you trust your own judgment on this.

Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 09:04

OliveLeader · 01/01/2025 09:02

I think this is fine. I’m generally cautious about people introducing new partners to children, but in this instance he hasn’t been introduced to your children as a partner and you haven’t brought him into your home. Your children just view him as a friend of yours with kids their own ages - that’s a sensible, neutral and low pressure way for them to meet and for you to assess how they all get on together.

Keep taking it slowly, as you have been. Your mother’s worry may come from a place of love but her concerns about ‘common decency’ suggest this is more about her general attitude towards the morality of divorce than any specific safety concerns. Reassure her that you’re taking it slow and won’t rush into anything, but that you trust your own judgment on this.

Thank you for this. Yes I believe it comes from deep shame that I am divorced. There is also a huge amount of shame and guilt about sex etc, especially extra marital. I believe she is deeply ashamed of me.

OP posts:
Babycatsmummy · 01/01/2025 09:07

@mumorme2 the alternative is, if she starts then cut the conversation off. Tell her that you appreciate her concern however you've raised your children this far and always put their needs first. If you need her advice then you know where she is and talk about something else. If it carries on, I'd just ignore her completely.

You are the parent. It's lovely she cares however you don't need her to interfere when you have everything under control

curious79 · 01/01/2025 09:08

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:48

I really feel for your mum
this must be like watching a slow moving car crash with you daughter driving oblivious and her grandchildren in the back. Without their seatbelts on

I suppose this absurd comment gives us some insight into how people view things but frankly having someone the kids view as a make friend is no car crash.

your mother was controlling before and influenced - wrongly- who you should marry first time around. In a very unsurprising turn of events she is controlling you again