Is my mum BU or am I?

[mumorme2]

Will try and give a backstory very briefly:
I am recently divorced - about 4 months ago, however, have been 'officially separated' from ex husband for a couple of years.
It's been a very hard few years and I have changed a lot, mainly in that I've stopped being a people pleaser. I come from a very orthodox background and I basically sleep walked into a marriage that was pleasing to my mum (as she found the Western men that I was dating very offputting and that made life very hard for me). I have children with my ex husband.
Anyway. Long story short, I have been seeing a man for a year now (oddly enough the healthiest relationship I've ever had) and it's been non-stop issues with my mum and I honestly can't take it anymore. Constant disapproval and disappointment in me. I've tried to create some firm but gentle boundaries because I love her and I know she loves me and I'm all she has (I know this is not my fault but it's the situation). She is also basically the only family I have.
So - to the point - she says the issue she has is because this new man is around my children (he has them of a similar age and they get on extremely well). We have been very very careful not to let on to the children that we are anything more than friends (the children are young, they basically just have had the odd playdate/outing with this man and his kids). My mum says I have no respect for 'common decency'. I believe the situation is totally fine and above board, however I've been told I can be a bit black and white about things. New man and I are both extremely cautious as we're both pretty devastated about divorce etc. Am I being unreasonable? Should I leave a 'respectful amount of time' between divorce and seeing someone? Am I putting my children in danger? Or is my mum BU? Is it ok for me to be seeing this man so long as we proceed with caution? Is this her strict background and 'what will the neighbours think' mentality? I am honestly continuously crushed by her responses to me and her habit of forgiving and rejecting me over and over again. Thank you for reading.

Thank you for this. Feels quite emotional to be given some support.

I think there's possibly two issues - concern about things moving quite fast with new partner, such as meeting kids quite early on (normal for any parent and NOT BU), and disappointment that your marriage didn't last/your orthodox way of life isn't working as she hoped (also normal for some parents but IS BU to force their views/aspirations onto you).

Yes this is probably accurate.

Agree 100%

This too. X1000000. You mum is controlling OP. "Common decency" my ass. Is she possibly embarrassed you got divorced?

Thank you. It’s a really hard truth to face. Yes, she hasn’t even told any of her religious friends.

It sounds as if you have been making wise and sensible choices and for yourself and your children. Your mother is being very unreasonable and sadly, her negative view of you poses a risk to your emotional well-being and future happiness. One way to mitigate this, would be to access therapy, so you can learn to trust your own judgement and be free if your mother's negative influence.

I agree. You sound like a responsible parent, OP, and your mum sounds controlling.

Why must it? What an odd reaction.

Thank you @BrokenLink and @wp65 .

i have actually been having therapy which helps. I just got an unexpectedly strong fight or flight response with this last event and sometimes it makes me feel slightly like I can’t carry on. Your support really means a lot.

You are fine OP. You have not committed any gross moral offences. Enjoy time with your new man and blended family. The children are fine. Tell your mum you are making decisions about your own life and she either comes on board or gets left behind.

there is a MN tradition of telling people they shouldn’t have another relationship until their kids get go to uni. It’s nonsense. Your children need to be safe and happy, that is it. It’s been a year, how long do people expect you to wait to move on. I bet your ex has someone already .

You said in your OP that you've changed (no longer a people pleaser, putting up boundaries) and your DM will have sensed all this, no matter how gentle or subtle the changes.

These changes have come about since your divorce and since you met the new guy so DM is likely thinking 'he's changed her'. Quite understandable as an outsider looking in. She's worried that he maybe coercive and controlling and can't see that you are autonomously doing the changes yourself and for yourself.

Alternatively DM has been controlling of you and is struggling to relinquish that control and is annoyed that she can't control you anymore.

A friend of a friend divorced, she has 3 kids and met a new man. He's a coercive arsehole and love bombs her but she can't see it. To her, he does no wrong but he's starting to isolate her from friends and its all getting very worrying. Has your DM met this new guy? It might help to put her mind at rest or show her up for being controlling.

oh dear

They have been together a year

But clearly they have been getting together for some time

How early on op?

It sounds as if you’re being pretty sensible about this op. Your priorities are to protect and care for your children. If you have met someone that you see yourself eventually spreading the load with someone else whilst continuing to care for your children and keeping them safe, your life can be enriched by being in a relationship. You have a responsibility to your children. You do not, however, have a responsibility to pander to your mother’s religious beliefs and views. I would try to get on the best you can with her and see these a her issue and eccentricity.

He isn't a new man. People on here are unrealistic. A man you have been seeing a year is not a new man but an established relationship. The vote stats of 96% say you are NOT unreasonable gives you a better indication rather than some of the comments!

Oh behave !

i wonder from what angle you’re coming from?!

The one where this is an adult woman in an established relationship of a year and where her children don't even realise he is her partner. Also the one where I am pleased she is freeing herself from a controlling, religious mother who does not get to dictate how an adult lives her life. What's your angle other than judgmental?

It's been a very hard few years

so. basically for the duration of the youngest child’s entire life

i imagine the mother just wants the best of her daughter and grandchildren after seeing up close how devastating the last few years have been and just wants the Op to rebuild her life and her children’s, as an independent woman and focus on channeling her energy in to a stable home and work.

A boyfriend, with an ex and children of his own…. i’d be concerned

I'm really shocked at some of the earlier responses.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you're approaching this. You've been together for a year, the kids appear to have met and played together on public neutral ground after 8 or 9 months, and that's the sum of their interaction with this man.

I'd say that's pretty much perfectly handled. Your problem is your mum, not your actions.

You do realise that once you reach a certain age, any new partner is likely to have an ex and kids? And OP herself has an ex and kids.

Or alternatively after her daughter's hard few years she could instead be thrilled that her daughter has found a lovely kind man who her daughter is at last enjoying life with rather than being in a terribly unhappy marriage rather than being judgemental and more concerned about what her neighbours will think because her daughter shock horror in 2024 is divorced! Like a normal person would be!

Stop listening to your mother and don’t talk to her about your relationship with this man

If this mother has been side by side her daughter through these “very difficult years”, supported her, loved her, helped with her children…. then i’m inclined to think that she’s worried.

OP - if she’s been nothing but horrible throughout this time, then why continue to have anything to do with her? let alone be worried about her view on your love life