Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum BU or am I?

82 replies

mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:37

Will try and give a backstory very briefly:
I am recently divorced - about 4 months ago, however, have been 'officially separated' from ex husband for a couple of years.
It's been a very hard few years and I have changed a lot, mainly in that I've stopped being a people pleaser. I come from a very orthodox background and I basically sleep walked into a marriage that was pleasing to my mum (as she found the Western men that I was dating very offputting and that made life very hard for me). I have children with my ex husband.
Anyway. Long story short, I have been seeing a man for a year now (oddly enough the healthiest relationship I've ever had) and it's been non-stop issues with my mum and I honestly can't take it anymore. Constant disapproval and disappointment in me. I've tried to create some firm but gentle boundaries because I love her and I know she loves me and I'm all she has (I know this is not my fault but it's the situation). She is also basically the only family I have.
So - to the point - she says the issue she has is because this new man is around my children (he has them of a similar age and they get on extremely well). We have been very very careful not to let on to the children that we are anything more than friends (the children are young, they basically just have had the odd playdate/outing with this man and his kids). My mum says I have no respect for 'common decency'. I believe the situation is totally fine and above board, however I've been told I can be a bit black and white about things. New man and I are both extremely cautious as we're both pretty devastated about divorce etc. Am I being unreasonable? Should I leave a 'respectful amount of time' between divorce and seeing someone? Am I putting my children in danger? Or is my mum BU? Is it ok for me to be seeing this man so long as we proceed with caution? Is this her strict background and 'what will the neighbours think' mentality? I am honestly continuously crushed by her responses to me and her habit of forgiving and rejecting me over and over again. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 01/01/2025 10:39

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 08:55

good grief this must be so concerning and frustrating for the Op’s family and friends

Why do you say that? It sounds like the @mumorme2 is being sensible and measured, it’s not like they’ve been seeing each other a month and he’s moved in. The marriage has been over (just not formally dissolved) for years and she is entitled to move on, it sounds like her mum is unreasonable and old fashioned and concerned about er being embarrassed in the community rather than anything else.

@mumorme2 take it slow, don’t get the kids involved too soon and be careful as you are vulnerable after a bad relationship but don’t let your mum rule (& ruin, again) your life.

Brefugee · 01/01/2025 10:39

the conversation i would be having with my mum is: so bottom line is you are saying that i am introducing a predator/potential predator into my children's lives?

And see what she says.

If you are taking things slowly, not putting yourself or your children in stupid positions, then you are fine and your mum must learn to live with the new you.

You could try telling her that your relationship with this man, including that of your children, is something you are not going to discuss with her, and keep to it.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 01/01/2025 10:42

And @mumorme2 ignore all comments from@ForOliveOP . It’s Clea they are either your mum or the kind of women who thinks mariage is forever and you should live out your life lone in a mild degree of shame for your marriage having failed 🙄

Spirallingdownwards · 01/01/2025 10:44

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 10:39

If this mother has been side by side her daughter through these “very difficult years”, supported her, loved her, helped with her children…. then i’m inclined to think that she’s worried.

OP - if she’s been nothing but horrible throughout this time, then why continue to have anything to do with her? let alone be worried about her view on your love life

Edited
Show quote history

Have you even read what the OP said about her mother? It seems not.

In the original post and it's been non-stop issues with my mum and I honestly can't take it anymore. Constant disapproval and disappointment in me Doesn't sound like support to me.

BlueSilverCats · 01/01/2025 10:48

Stop giving her details about your relationship or seeking approval from her. You KNOW you'll never get it. He will never be who she wants her daughter involved with /married to. So that's that.

If you’re seeing him just say you're busy/have plans. If she asks how it is going or anything, just say fine and change the subject. Don’t try to convince her or bring her on your side. Don't engage in debates as to why he's good/bad for you.

Best you can hope for is, is that as years go by, and the relationship goes well and he treats you well and you and the kids are happy, she'll swallow her pride and accept him (if not embrace him) for your sake and the children's.

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 10:48

Keepingthingsinteresting · 01/01/2025 10:42

And @mumorme2 ignore all comments from@ForOliveOP . It’s Clea they are either your mum or the kind of women who thinks mariage is forever and you should live out your life lone in a mild degree of shame for your marriage having failed 🙄

😆

PussInBin20 · 01/01/2025 10:52

You are not going to change your DM or her views - only how you react to them.

So I would just change the subject or tell her to stop talking about it. You are divorced and nothing will change that so she has to accept that and that you want to move on with your life.

Tell her she is spoiling your own relationship with each other and that you will just have to agree to disagree with her outdated views.

I mean what does she actually want from you? Never to be in a relationship ever again? That’s not reasonable is it? And surely she knows that? Or maybe she wants you all to herself?

Keepingthingsinteresting · 01/01/2025 10:52

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 10:48

😆

Show quote history

Laugh as much as you want, the rest of us can see you. Back to the 50s with you.

Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 11:16

Porkyporkchop · 01/01/2025 09:29

You are fine OP. You have not committed any gross moral offences. Enjoy time with your new man and blended family. The children are fine. Tell your mum you are making decisions about your own life and she either comes on board or gets left behind.

there is a MN tradition of telling people they shouldn’t have another relationship until their kids get go to uni. It’s nonsense. Your children need to be safe and happy, that is it. It’s been a year, how long do people expect you to wait to move on. I bet your ex has someone already .

Thank you very much

OP posts:
Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 11:38

Projectme · 01/01/2025 09:35

You said in your OP that you've changed (no longer a people pleaser, putting up boundaries) and your DM will have sensed all this, no matter how gentle or subtle the changes.

These changes have come about since your divorce and since you met the new guy so DM is likely thinking 'he's changed her'. Quite understandable as an outsider looking in. She's worried that he maybe coercive and controlling and can't see that you are autonomously doing the changes yourself and for yourself.

Alternatively DM has been controlling of you and is struggling to relinquish that control and is annoyed that she can't control you anymore.

A friend of a friend divorced, she has 3 kids and met a new man. He's a coercive arsehole and love bombs her but she can't see it. To her, he does no wrong but he's starting to isolate her from friends and its all getting very worrying. Has your DM met this new guy? It might help to put her mind at rest or show her up for being controlling.

Thank you for this perspective, I think it’s really astute and I’ll have a think about it

OP posts:
Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 11:39

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2025 09:57

It sounds as if you’re being pretty sensible about this op. Your priorities are to protect and care for your children. If you have met someone that you see yourself eventually spreading the load with someone else whilst continuing to care for your children and keeping them safe, your life can be enriched by being in a relationship. You have a responsibility to your children. You do not, however, have a responsibility to pander to your mother’s religious beliefs and views. I would try to get on the best you can with her and see these a her issue and eccentricity.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 11:41

Spirallingdownwards · 01/01/2025 10:00

He isn't a new man. People on here are unrealistic. A man you have been seeing a year is not a new man but an established relationship. The vote stats of 96% say you are NOT unreasonable gives you a better indication rather than some of the comments!

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 11:43

saraclara · 01/01/2025 10:29

I'm really shocked at some of the earlier responses.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you're approaching this. You've been together for a year, the kids appear to have met and played together on public neutral ground after 8 or 9 months, and that's the sum of their interaction with this man.

I'd say that's pretty much perfectly handled. Your problem is your mum, not your actions.

I really appreciate this

OP posts:
ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 12:34

Has your mother even met him op?

bluegreygreen · 01/01/2025 14:46

OP you will see there are differing opinions on your mum's reasonableness or otherwise. I would put a slightly different point.

There is an argument that when a woman comes out of a difficult relationship she (and hence any children she may have) benefits from some time on her own for growth and development, before entering a new relationship. This is particularly true where there may be vulnerabilities, which are open to being exploited by unscrupulous people.
I think this point was being made by one poster above.

In your case you have identified a vulnerability (people pleasing) and you appear to be learning how to manage that. However, you are doing so while having also to manage a new relationship and people's reactions to that. This combination may make it more difficult for you to spot anomalies or red flag behaviours, so it is worth having a heightened awareness.

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 14:48

bluegreygreen · 01/01/2025 14:46

OP you will see there are differing opinions on your mum's reasonableness or otherwise. I would put a slightly different point.

There is an argument that when a woman comes out of a difficult relationship she (and hence any children she may have) benefits from some time on her own for growth and development, before entering a new relationship. This is particularly true where there may be vulnerabilities, which are open to being exploited by unscrupulous people.
I think this point was being made by one poster above.

In your case you have identified a vulnerability (people pleasing) and you appear to be learning how to manage that. However, you are doing so while having also to manage a new relationship and people's reactions to that. This combination may make it more difficult for you to spot anomalies or red flag behaviours, so it is worth having a heightened awareness.

nailed it

Rosscameasdoody · 01/01/2025 14:49

SometimesCalmPerson · 01/01/2025 08:47

At least a year, and after you know his friends and family well enough to know they are good people too.

OLP has been seeing him for a year and the children think he’s a friend. I don’t see anything wrong with this.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2025 14:57

mumorme2 · 01/01/2025 08:53

Ok, so it’s been a year, is that ok?

Show quote history

This sounds perfectly OK. You have just had a few play dates. You haven't introduced this man as your boyfriend or partner.

I'm assuming that your marriage was very difficult as, given your orthodox background, I'm sure that you didn't end the relationship without a really compelling reason.

Your mum is more bothered about you bringing shame on the family than your happiness and wellbeing.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2025 15:02

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 10:10

i wonder from what angle you’re coming from?!

Show quote history

You are like the Spanish Inquisition, putting the OP on trial for crimes against religion and morality.

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 15:04

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2025 15:02

You are like the Spanish Inquisition, putting the OP on trial for crimes against religion and morality.

Show quote history

that question wasn’t even directed at the OP 😆

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 15:06

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2025 15:02

You are like the Spanish Inquisition, putting the OP on trial for crimes against religion and morality.

Show quote history

are you one for hyperbole in RL?!

LeMoo · 01/01/2025 15:09

Bloody hell, this place is puritan sometimes!

Don't worry, op, you're doing great.

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 15:13

bluegreygreen · 01/01/2025 14:46

OP you will see there are differing opinions on your mum's reasonableness or otherwise. I would put a slightly different point.

There is an argument that when a woman comes out of a difficult relationship she (and hence any children she may have) benefits from some time on her own for growth and development, before entering a new relationship. This is particularly true where there may be vulnerabilities, which are open to being exploited by unscrupulous people.
I think this point was being made by one poster above.

In your case you have identified a vulnerability (people pleasing) and you appear to be learning how to manage that. However, you are doing so while having also to manage a new relationship and people's reactions to that. This combination may make it more difficult for you to spot anomalies or red flag behaviours, so it is worth having a heightened awareness.

this remains best of all the posts OP

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2025 15:16

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 15:06

are you one for hyperbole in RL?!

Show quote history

Says someone who posted:

'I really feel for your mum this must be like watching a slow moving car crash with your daughter'

Your posts have fired questions at the OP, as though she were on trial. In contrast, OP has been very measured and polite in all her responses.

ForOliveOP · 01/01/2025 15:19

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2025 15:16

Says someone who posted:

'I really feel for your mum this must be like watching a slow moving car crash with your daughter'

Your posts have fired questions at the OP, as though she were on trial. In contrast, OP has been very measured and polite in all her responses.

Show quote history

fair point! 🤭