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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the upcoming party

59 replies

livvyice · 31/12/2024 15:17

I recently attended a party with my DP, for his child. His ex also attended with her partner. DP is very amicable with his ex, knows her partner reasonably well as he moved in with her last year so sees him a lot at drop off / pick up. He also still helps her out with some things around the house as he does that for a living.

They split up around a decade ago and I'm the first partner he's introduced to his kids / his ex.

I was a little nervous going to the party and meeting the ex but DP told me it'd be fine, she'd be friendly etc. I get on well with his DC.

I was introduced to her partner first who was pleasant. DP then introduced me to his ex who smiled but immediately walked off. Over the course of the evening his ex pretty much refused to acknowledge or even look at me and on a couple of occasions I even caught her and her friends talking about me. Afterwards DP said how surprised he was that she wasn't friendlier as they get on so well, and he's made lots of effort with her DP.

There is another event coming up soon with the same people going. Would I be unreasonable not to go? I felt really quite uncomfortable and I don't want to have to put myself through that again so soon, but I also don't want to upset DP by saying no to the invite.

OP posts:
TheseCalmSeas · 31/12/2024 15:33

If it’s for his child and you’re serious about the relationship, I would go. You’ll be going for them so focus on that rather than the silly mare.

I’d go with the pity approach. How sad she hasn’t really moved on after all this time 🤭

toomuchfaff · 31/12/2024 15:54

TheseCalmSeas · 31/12/2024 15:33

If it’s for his child and you’re serious about the relationship, I would go. You’ll be going for them so focus on that rather than the silly mare.

I’d go with the pity approach. How sad she hasn’t really moved on after all this time 🤭

First thing came to my mind as well, ex is friendly with DP, as long as DP is single...

OP, have confidence in yourself and your relationship, be ultra friendly, OTT, smiles and waves, nothing that could EVER be considered unreasonable. You're there as representative of DP, you're the only one ever got this far, don't take it personal if ex is a cow.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/12/2024 16:50

She would almost certainly love it if you didn’t go. Go and enjoy yourself with your DP. He won’t be expecting you to make any effort with her (and her incredibly immature rude friends) as he saw how she behaved. Just say a dead eyed hello and then wander away for a drink, food, fresh air - anything. Don’t let her make you feel uncomfortable, she’s ridiculous. Keep smiling and you’ll probably ruin her night.

Original poster
livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 31/12/2024 18:36

With these occasions you put on a smile and be the bigger person. My eh's new gf wasn't the warmest to me (according to one dd she's weird, the others she ok and a lot better than any of the others) we don't need to socialise often so its hardly a chore to be pleasant once a year or so

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/12/2024 18:37

She's got a case of "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either"

She's clearly very happy with her new partner but maybe all the time her ex was single she'd be assuming he was still holding a candle to her. She'd love it if you didn't turn up OP. Go for your partner and his DC

TangerineClementine · 31/12/2024 18:37

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

What else could it be though? It can't be just that she doesn't like you, as she's barely spoken to you!

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 31/12/2024 18:37

Why put yourself self through it .
Leave him to go on his own beside it's not your child it's your DP and his ex so I think you've no obligation to take part.

pestowithwalnuts · 31/12/2024 18:39

What were her and her friends saying about you ,?

FeliznaviDogs · 31/12/2024 18:39

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

Sometimes those that post the super happy photos and pronounce their love to the world via SM are trying to prove a point. That it’s working and there are Definitely No Issues At Home. The fact she’s being so catty towards you suggests jealousy which I bet her partner has noticed and it’s likely to have gone down like a crap sandwich.

It’s just jealousy - good advice above to just smile and be happy and others will naturally look at you both and quietly understand why they’re no longer together.

loropianalover · 31/12/2024 18:40

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

Of course she plasters him everywhere. Everyone needs to know how ‘happy’ she is.

Happy people don’t act this way, especially around their children. I would show up to the next event with a smile on my face.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2024 18:40

What's the next party? Do you think you and DP are in it for the long run?

LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaa · 31/12/2024 18:41

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

Happy, secure people don’t do this.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 31/12/2024 18:43

Just be polite to her, don't let on you noticed her being unfriendly. Maybe she wants you to feel uncomfortable so your partner comes to events alone. As a stepmother you will have all sorts of events to attend with her present, best to just be civil to her and act as if she doesn't bother you at all.

NeedToChangeName · 31/12/2024 18:44

Maybe she felt a bit awkward too? Or distracted by party chores

And if you're the first GF that's been introduced, I don't think it's surprising that the ex pointed you out to her friends. If they were just asking her eg where you live, is it serious, do the kids like you, I think that's totally fine

olympicsrock · 31/12/2024 18:46

I think it would be really brave and helpful in the long run to be there to show her that you are long term. DP should be careful to be by your side and for you to agree to stay a fairly short time at the party.

Original poster
livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:52

@SleepingStandingUp It's in a few weeks time. I do think we're in it for the long run - DP has never introduced anyone to his kids before me.

OP posts:
Treblechef · 31/12/2024 19:04

I wouldn’t go. You don’t have to

Endofyear · 31/12/2024 23:05

You don't have to go but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of having chased you off! Does it matter that she's not friendly? Just chat to DH, his kids and others and ignore her if she ignores you. She's the one being petty and nasty. You can be the bigger person and show that you're not intimidated. That's what I would do!

Critsey · 31/12/2024 23:10

If your partner is a decent man, he would have a word with his ex and ask why she felt the need to be so rude, particularly as he has been so pleasant to her new partner?

If he says nothing and is unbothered about her behaviour then he is just another weak spineless man.

They are ten a penny and you deserve better.

Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:33

@pestowithwalnuts It was just slyly pointing at me, dirty looks, looking me up and down, whispering etc

OP posts:
NewNovaNivarna · 01/01/2025 16:35

She's probably scared that he won't do jobs for her anymore and is going to put you before her .

Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:40

@NewNovaNivarna That did cross my mind - he does all her DIY!

OP posts:
solopanda · 01/01/2025 16:42

I wouldn't go. You don't have to go to every one. Be busy. Then go to the next one.

If her behaviour continues just say you think mum is struggling with your presence so you'll make it easier for her and sit out.

BenditlikeBridget · 01/01/2025 16:42

Well, let’s call a spade a spade here- are you younger / more attractive than her??