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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to the upcoming party

59 replies

livvyice · 31/12/2024 15:17

I recently attended a party with my DP, for his child. His ex also attended with her partner. DP is very amicable with his ex, knows her partner reasonably well as he moved in with her last year so sees him a lot at drop off / pick up. He also still helps her out with some things around the house as he does that for a living.

They split up around a decade ago and I'm the first partner he's introduced to his kids / his ex.

I was a little nervous going to the party and meeting the ex but DP told me it'd be fine, she'd be friendly etc. I get on well with his DC.

I was introduced to her partner first who was pleasant. DP then introduced me to his ex who smiled but immediately walked off. Over the course of the evening his ex pretty much refused to acknowledge or even look at me and on a couple of occasions I even caught her and her friends talking about me. Afterwards DP said how surprised he was that she wasn't friendlier as they get on so well, and he's made lots of effort with her DP.

There is another event coming up soon with the same people going. Would I be unreasonable not to go? I felt really quite uncomfortable and I don't want to have to put myself through that again so soon, but I also don't want to upset DP by saying no to the invite.

OP posts:
NewNovaNivarna · 01/01/2025 16:43

It's a control thing . She sees you as a threat . Kill her with kindness don't rise to the bait but don't put up with abuse either . I also wonder if these so called frigate stirring the pot. I would also make it plain to your man that you are not putting up with any nonsense and he is to have your back. Nip this in the bud .

solopanda · 01/01/2025 16:43

livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:33

@pestowithwalnuts It was just slyly pointing at me, dirty looks, looking me up and down, whispering etc

Be honest here were you looking at her a lot?

NewNovaNivarna · 01/01/2025 16:44
  • meant friends not friggate 😂
Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:45

@solopanda No not at all!

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 16:45

I’d go, why would you treat yourself like the other woman? Go to the event with your partner and enjoy it, you and this woman have no obligation to be friendly with each other but if you’re in it for the long run then it’s best to be able to be around her now.

solopanda · 01/01/2025 16:50

livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:45

@solopanda No not at all!

How did you notice this so much then?

GreyCarpet · 01/01/2025 16:51

She might have just felt very uncomfortable with the changed dynamic and not really known how to manage it and it came out badly.

If, after 10 years, you're the first person he's introduced to the extended family, it's obvious that it's serious between you and people react to change in odd ways.

For full disclosure, my partner's ex did similar to me. I've met her half a dozen times or so now and she will just stand in front of me looking me up and down and is rude to me or will outright ignore me if I speak to her. Her partner is absolutely fine with me, and my partner and he get on well.

Their children are adults so we don't see them often but my partner had to speak to her in the end and tell her it was out of order.

I'd say give it another go before avoiding. Tell your partner what happened this time and tell.him if it happens again. If he wants you there, he needs to sort this out. The onus is not on you to just accept it.

Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 17:09

@GreyCarpet Sorry to hear you've experienced that! It's all very bizarre.

OP posts:
crashbandicooty · 01/01/2025 17:13

What a bitch. I would go but be cringing and hate every minute of it.

PullTheBricksDown · 01/01/2025 17:50

olympicsrock · 31/12/2024 18:46

I think it would be really brave and helpful in the long run to be there to show her that you are long term. DP should be careful to be by your side and for you to agree to stay a fairly short time at the party.

Yes, go to the next one, 'nice her' (as I once saw it put) but have something arranged to go on to so you only stay briefly 'just showing our faces, we've booked to see a film / show / band at 9' 😀

2catsandhappy · 01/01/2025 17:56

Go to the party, ignore her for a quiet life and do a bit of dirty dancing with your dp.
She's probably wondering what is so special about you, that it persuaded your dp to introduce you to the dc.
It is a her problem, not a you problem.
I bet she secretly thought dp still loved her and that bubble has burst.

Smile and wave!

WallaceinAnderland · 01/01/2025 18:10

I would go. She just needs to get used to the idea that he's moving on with his life. Be pleasant so that everyone can see how unreasonable she is if she continues to be frosty towards you.

TheseCalmSeas · 01/01/2025 19:35

livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:33

@pestowithwalnuts It was just slyly pointing at me, dirty looks, looking me up and down, whispering etc

It’s unpleasant but little girl stuff. Ignore and endure for the sake of your partner and his children.

CosyLemur · 06/01/2025 07:23

Just because you're in a relationship with her ex and he gets on well with her new partner it doesn't mean that she should automatically be best pals with you.
She said hello.
You felt awkward meeting her for the first time; you're the first person your partner has introduced to her maybe she also felt awkward? Maybe she was waiting for you to approach her?
When I first met my partners ex at his parents wedding anniversary party both of us were so anxious we each thought the other didn't like us; because neither of us made much effort beyond pleasantries. In actual fact it was just nerves.
It was much easier the next time we met. But whatever the reason go to the next party, and every party after that - if it is in fact that she was being a bitch then you take pleasure in knowing your presence is really pissing her off!

CouldItBeAnyMoreObvious · 06/01/2025 07:27

livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:33

@pestowithwalnuts It was just slyly pointing at me, dirty looks, looking me up and down, whispering etc

so no actual proof
Just playground assumptions?

Pussycat22 · 06/01/2025 07:27

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

She probably doesn't want him but doesn't want anybody else to have him. Be your most beautiful and charming. You don't have to hide. x

StepAwayFromTheScales · 06/01/2025 08:21

livvyice · 31/12/2024 15:17

I recently attended a party with my DP, for his child. His ex also attended with her partner. DP is very amicable with his ex, knows her partner reasonably well as he moved in with her last year so sees him a lot at drop off / pick up. He also still helps her out with some things around the house as he does that for a living.

They split up around a decade ago and I'm the first partner he's introduced to his kids / his ex.

I was a little nervous going to the party and meeting the ex but DP told me it'd be fine, she'd be friendly etc. I get on well with his DC.

I was introduced to her partner first who was pleasant. DP then introduced me to his ex who smiled but immediately walked off. Over the course of the evening his ex pretty much refused to acknowledge or even look at me and on a couple of occasions I even caught her and her friends talking about me. Afterwards DP said how surprised he was that she wasn't friendlier as they get on so well, and he's made lots of effort with her DP.

There is another event coming up soon with the same people going. Would I be unreasonable not to go? I felt really quite uncomfortable and I don't want to have to put myself through that again so soon, but I also don't want to upset DP by saying no to the invite.

I read this as being you are the first serious partner he has had in 10 years, who has been introduced to his children. This is all new to his ex. I'm not saying it's ok for her friends to be rude, but they will automatically stick with her as friends do!

Give her a message, ask if there is anything you could help with for the next event or if you can meet for a coffee to set some expectations..they will do more than sitting worrying about it

PacificAtlantic · 06/01/2025 08:25

It is totally possible for her to have moved on happily and be jealous all at the same time. Feelings aren’t rational. For her moving on is fine when she thinks she is the one ex pines for and can’t get over. Seeing him happy enough to have introduced you means she has to get over the breakup and all the small private irrational jealousy possessive insecure feelings all over again.
You should go. Because if you don’t she becomes empowered. Every other adult in the room who knows the situation will see her reaction and know it’s her problem and not yours.

Namechangedforspooky · 06/01/2025 08:31

I would def kill her with kindness. Go up, big smile, hi how are you etc, pay her a compliment.
Best to keep the upper hand in these things!

Bachboo · 06/01/2025 10:28

Face this woman down and go. Look fabulous. feel confident because she is on the back foot here. If you don’t she will always have the power and you don’t want this.

StillAliveAndKicking · 06/01/2025 13:28

100% go.
that's what I do with my ex and I just make sure that I always look fab and am having the best time. just get stuck in, she's def jealous. be your lovely self and tell us all how it goes next time. just ignore anything that's said. you don't need to be friends and she's his ex fir a reason.
sending hugs xxx

Ghostgothemma · 06/01/2025 13:34

Honestly, I've run into people just like that ex. They're all happy showing off their new partner, all over social media so their ex sees it. However, once their ex gets themselves a new partner, the green eyed monster comes out. Because they want the ex to be single and compliant to doing things for them. So if they're suddenly with a partner, they will do things just to triangulate the ex to still do their bidding. They are only happy when the ex is single and miserable. Even though I'm sure your partner wasn't miserable before he met you. That's what the ex thinks.

Keep going and make sure that you do quite a bit of touchy feely with your partner. Also if your dp doesn't tell the ex to wind her neck in the next time she's being a jealous cow. Then you need to talk to him and tell him that she's making you uncomfortable due to her talking about you behind your back. Hopefully dp will say to her to give you a chance and not to be so rude towards you.

However, what she's doing is catty behaviour. Rise above it she is just jealous even though she's meant to be so in love with her new partner. Sometimes people show you who they are. Doesn't mean you have to acknowledge it. In fact counter it with kindness.

JollyZebra · 06/01/2025 13:36

If you're there for the long haul, you have to go. She's testing you. Don't back off and don't play her silly games. Be polite and pleasant, she'll only show herself up if her behaviour continues.
She's probably worrying that he'll start a second family with you.

NotPossibleToSay · 06/01/2025 13:38

I wouldn't give this a second thought. If you're the first partner he's introduced to her or the children in ten years, then it's an unfamiliar, and probably uncomfortable situation. Did she know in advance you were attending?

ZekeZeke · 06/01/2025 13:41

How long are you and your partner together?

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