To not go to the upcoming party

[livvyice]

I recently attended a party with my DP, for his child. His ex also attended with her partner. DP is very amicable with his ex, knows her partner reasonably well as he moved in with her last year so sees him a lot at drop off / pick up. He also still helps her out with some things around the house as he does that for a living.

They split up around a decade ago and I'm the first partner he's introduced to his kids / his ex.

I was a little nervous going to the party and meeting the ex but DP told me it'd be fine, she'd be friendly etc. I get on well with his DC.

I was introduced to her partner first who was pleasant. DP then introduced me to his ex who smiled but immediately walked off. Over the course of the evening his ex pretty much refused to acknowledge or even look at me and on a couple of occasions I even caught her and her friends talking about me. Afterwards DP said how surprised he was that she wasn't friendlier as they get on so well, and he's made lots of effort with her DP.

There is another event coming up soon with the same people going. Would I be unreasonable not to go? I felt really quite uncomfortable and I don't want to have to put myself through that again so soon, but I also don't want to upset DP by saying no to the invite.

That doesn't mean anything. She's worried he'll stop nipping around to do her odd jobs.

I wouldn't stay away from the next event out of principle! You have every right to be there, as you've been invited by your partner. For a woman who's been separated from your partner for 10 years, she's behaving as if she's the one still carrying a torch!! Did your partner instigate the split from his ex?! Insecure people constantly plaster 'loved up' posts all over social media, because they desperately want others to see how 'happy' they are! It could be a case of 'I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else too either' situation, and now she's got to face up to the fact he's not pining after her!! Or she's concerned her 'DIY man' won't be so keen to come to her aide! Regardless of the ins and outs, her behaviour is childish. Go to the event, be very friendly towards her, polite and hold your head up high!

I know its hard to stare down mean girl behaviour but if you don't go she will have got what she wants. I don't think I could let that happen! I'd want full support of DP though.

I would go even if I didn’t want to as I feel that not going is what she probably wanted, you need to show her that her nastiness had no affect on you, at the next party be polite with her but don’t make that much of an effort, you don’t need her to like you or her approval, she is just your partners ex and you will only need to suffer her occasionally

.You say you are the first person introduced to the children. I imagine that the kids have gone home and told her you are nice and it's just hit her that there's another woman in her children's lives.

Obviously you've done nothing wrong you can't control how somebody else reacts so don't worry about it.

In an ideal world you'd all get along just fine but the situation surrounding you knowing each other is rarely a recipe for best friends.

Could her behaviour be down to feeling worried that you are going to be part of her children's lives as opposed to you being part of her ex's life? Particularly as you are first woman your DP has brought along to social events involving the children they share? This could be heightened if the children like you & talk about you in a positive way.
A positive is that your DP acknowledged the unfriendly response you got from his ex. He did not ignore or dismiss it.
I say go to the next social event but also try to see his ex on a more casual basis......like her partner does with your DP (hope that makes sense). She needs to learn to trust you.

Of course, other posters might also be correct....she has a lovely partner & an ex who is amicable & does DIY for her. You are intervening.

The advantage you have is that your DP recognises that his ex was unfriendly towards you.

Please don't be put off going to the next social event. Show her you are here to stay & your DP is supporting you to have a positive relationship with his (their) children.

Well off course she's really happy; she's got a lovely new partner, and the ex on speed dial! As long as her ex doesn't get a new woman in his life, she probably believes her ex might even still have feelings for her? "Well he does come running every time a job needs doing, so ...?" She has 2x main men in her life, and you are competition. A classic case of 'I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him'.

Sorry but why does she need to be your friend or make mundane conversation with you. She’s there for her child not you. She smiled, acknowledged you? What more do you want her to do? Or are you just reading more into this? TBF you must have been starting at her to notice her ‘talking about you and looking you up and down’ she’s probably thinking why does she keep staring at me!! 🤣 She’s doesn’t need to have anything to do with you, she’s civil to her ex DP because of her child not because she’s ‘wants him’. If your serious about DP then your gonna have to grow up and go along to events like this, you will never win if you try and make him chose between you and her as she will always have one up on you (his child, which is probably what you are actually jealous of!)

Are his kids 18+? Hope he stops the DIY now. She has a partner, they can pay a handyman to do it.

Assuming your dc are older now, his priority should be you over her.