To cut ties with immediate family

[ilovexmass]

My two older siblings were very abusive to me growing up.

My sister has always been nasty to me (she is 10 years older) and even into adulthood her nastiness continued.

My brother made me homeless in my late teens (he is 12 years older) my parents just stood there and watched.

I was basically left to just get on with it, I suffered a lot from being homeless, I ended up in a lot of bad situations.
My parents didn't visit me for 15 years (in that time I visited them).

My siblings have had a lot of help of my parents, from gifting deposits for a house, to childcare, they have never helped me.

It's ironic as my siblings always moan and take the piss out of my parents and have never even sent a Mother's Day/ Father's Day card (I have) and all they do is act hard up when they have had so much help from them, I am shocked.

Due to the siblings abuse, my parents refuse to acknowledge it with my siblings and even asked me to "forget it".

There was an argument some years ago when I had my first child as I did not want the siblings around my child due to their abusive behaviour towards me as a child and prior to that I had been civil.

Now my parents don't even invite me for Xmas or family gatherings and instead choose to support my brother who is very nasty to them and bad tempered.

I have told my mum that I would rather cut my ties as she can't even support me/ acknowledge me.

Parents are approaching 70d now and I suspect they will want help on their later years due to them asking but as I told my mum it's not happening.
The kids that they have supported and put first should be the ones helping, not me who they have never helped.

People in the family do not see my point of view and think I should forgive and forget.

AIBU?

Not unreasonable at all. Fuck them.

It’s the perfect time to leave them all in the past.

@ilovexmass OP, you owe them absolutely nothing. Remember that and let them reap what they sow.

First post nails it. They can fuck off!

@HisNibs yes I think so too

Cut them off, move on, and never look back.

People who haven't experienced abusive / toxic childhood dynamics have zero understanding of the damage it causes. All that stuff about,"oh it's your family" is bullshit - they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about.

Cutting off from family (also known as going No Contact) isn't easy, but it's a necessary first step towards a long healing process.

Know that you are not alone. I am very open with people that I am No Contact with my family and that I am a lot happier for it.

Sending you strength and solidarity.

You can and should absolutely do both, though. You can cut contact AND forgive and forget. Because carrying this trauma is not helpful for you.
I cut my father out of my life but for many years I continued to poison my own life by ruminating on things he's done wrong. It was only when I forgave him, I became free to live my life according to my values. Forgiving didn't mean reestablishing contact but it did mean not letting him live in my head for the rest of my days.

For the sake of your mental health and wellbeing of your family unit absolutely cut them off.

If anyone has the nerve to question it I'd refuse to get drawn into an argument but simply respond, "You reap what you sow".

@Sicario - thank you for your kind words, very much appreciated.

I defo would rather go no contact, it's like when I stop responding to my mum's texts/ I get scared of her and my dad just turning up at my door.

I agree that people don't understand what it's like to go thru childhood abuse and the long term damage it causes.

As a fellow survivor, I wish you strength and solidarity as well

Your siblings had the best of them, they can handle the rest of them. . .

@Catza

Yes I think forgiving them would set me free from all this turmoil as I just keep going over the same things and I know it's not a healthy way to live.

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate jt.

Enjoy 2025 with your new-found freedom! ❤️

No contact is the way to go, but be prepared to feel guilty, especially if they need help as you will have been conditioned to feel that way. Your other family will also try to guilt you so have some stock answers prepared to get you through.

You owe them nothing, focus on what is good in your life. If you can access therapy I would. Acknowledge, accept and if you can forgive but mainly protect yourself.

I am amazed you've not cut them off before.

There is a book which tackles this very taboo subject, it’s called “your turn to care” - aimed at adult children of abusive parents

Out of the FOG is a helpful website OP

In circumstances such as you describe, I'm surprised you're still in contact with them at all.
You'd do yourself a massive favour to go NC and, as already said, forgive & forget those people who can't affect you any more.

Going no contact is a bit like playing whack-a-mole. Abusive people (and those who are enmeshed in the toxic dynamic) hate boundaries and will kick and scream if they've been cut off.

You have to block all avenues of contact which might involve changing your phone number. Watch out for withheld numbers too - another tactic when you become unreachable.

Anything that comes via the post goes straight in the bin without opening it.

If they turn up on the doorstep, just don't answer it.

Look out also for the "flying monkeys" as other people may be sent to do their dirty work. For example people coming out of the woodwork and saying you're "upsetting your family" and "being unreasonable". They can fuck right off too.

I went the whole hog and moved away without telling any of my family where I was going.

You might want to check out Dr Ramani on Youtube. She has lots of very insightful videos about toxic family dynamics.

Don't forgive and forget, remember and change.
Remember the way your siblings treated you and how your parents reacted to that treatment.
Change how you deal with them by going NC with all of them.
You only get one life, live it free of their drama

it rather sounds like they have already cut you off OL

they haven’t asked for forgiveness

I have often gone without years of contact with the siblings (and been a lot happier for it) they are are the ones that reached out to me during Covid/lockdown after getting my number from my parents.

I did tell the siblings how I felt and how I wasn't prepared to forget the past and I wasn't going to force a relationship to make themselves feel better.
They did apologise half heartedly but they are just too toxic for me to be around and certainly not the kind of people I want my kids around.

My parents are weak people and have never defended me or called them up on their behaviour.l, they have never met my kids either despite them asking numerous times.

I have told my mum so many times what I went though at the hands of her son (verbal and emotional abuse & making me homeless) and she just brushes it of and expects me to carry on like nothings happened.

It's just a waste of time entertaining any of them as they put me through much and it's not the kind of environment I want my kids exposed too.

This. In a nutshell. Screw them.

I have a toxic elder sister. She used to pinch me, lie about things she had done and blame me. She married a man who attempted to sexually assault me. I told her and she laughed at me. After that, whenever he was around, I took the family dog for very long walks, or went out on my friend's pony.
Eventually, I went NC.
Recently, my son and his wife and children had an unannounced visit from my sister and brother in law. My sister is living with advanced dementia and brother in law wondered if she could stay with them because he needed respite from caring for her. My son said no. Brother in law was very angry and had to be shown the door.
ilovexmass, I strongly recommend shutting these toxic people out of your life. In my opinion, they are very unlikely to change.