To cut ties with immediate family

[ilovexmass]

My two older siblings were very abusive to me growing up.

My sister has always been nasty to me (she is 10 years older) and even into adulthood her nastiness continued.

My brother made me homeless in my late teens (he is 12 years older) my parents just stood there and watched.

I was basically left to just get on with it, I suffered a lot from being homeless, I ended up in a lot of bad situations.
My parents didn't visit me for 15 years (in that time I visited them).

My siblings have had a lot of help of my parents, from gifting deposits for a house, to childcare, they have never helped me.

It's ironic as my siblings always moan and take the piss out of my parents and have never even sent a Mother's Day/ Father's Day card (I have) and all they do is act hard up when they have had so much help from them, I am shocked.

Due to the siblings abuse, my parents refuse to acknowledge it with my siblings and even asked me to "forget it".

There was an argument some years ago when I had my first child as I did not want the siblings around my child due to their abusive behaviour towards me as a child and prior to that I had been civil.

Now my parents don't even invite me for Xmas or family gatherings and instead choose to support my brother who is very nasty to them and bad tempered.

I have told my mum that I would rather cut my ties as she can't even support me/ acknowledge me.

Parents are approaching 70d now and I suspect they will want help on their later years due to them asking but as I told my mum it's not happening.
The kids that they have supported and put first should be the ones helping, not me who they have never helped.

People in the family do not see my point of view and think I should forgive and forget.

AIBU?

Ignore the people in your family who say that you would forgive and forget.

Your elder siblings were abusive and your parents did nothing to protect you. You were made homeless as a teen and your parents didn't care.

You owe them absolutely nothing and you are perfectly justified in cutting them all out of your life.

Sorry op, seems like they have cut you out a very long time ago already. Do it and don't look back.

My parents didn't visit me for 15 years (in that time I visited them). and they didn’t invite you for xmas?

OP… they have trying to cut ties with you for years.

Hold your head up high and walk away. They aren’t asking for forgiveness and they aren’t bothered about you being in their lives. So stop flogging a dead horse and move on

@ForOliveOP

Hi they did invite me for every Xmas/ gatherings until the last 2.

This was after I had confronted the siblings after they had been bad nothing me not allowing them to visit my kids.

Parents still ask me to come down but it's me who declines.
At gatherings and Xmas they prefer to have my brother there.

Not unreasonable, get them to fuck. Get therapy and learn about boundaries and how to set and maintain them and how to express this to parents.

and they made a very clear choice to actively side with your siblings

and they’ve never visited you in 15 years?! bloody hell op

and yes they’ve invited you because as you say yourself… you think you’re mum might want you to help out caring for them in old age

OP, get control back. They kicked you to the curb years ago. Dust yourself off and saunter off

Cut them all out of your life entirely OP.

Change your phone number or block them all. Could you move?

If your parents ever need help don't give in to guilt. You owe them NOTHING.

My friend was taken abroad at the age of 15 for a forced marriage and only allowed to come back to the uk on the condition that she kept up appearances and got the husband over here a few years later.
the sham of a marriage fell apart and she was disowned by her parents and her holier than thou brothers.
of course when it came to her parents getting older and needing care you can guess who was suddenly needed to be a “good” daughter and take on the responsibility. She looked after them but if it was me I could not forgive.
I would advise you to cut contact.

YANBU.

Set yourself free and cut off the lot of them.

My brother made me homeless in my late teens (he is 12 years older) my parents just stood there and watched.

Your brother didn’t make you homeless
Your parents did, presuming it was their home

@ilovexmass have you posted about this before? There was a similar thread a while ago and I think the advice followed the same lines of this thread. You owe these people nothing and need to look after yourself. x

"People in the family do not see my point of view and think I should forgive and forget."

Stop explaining yourself to anyone. You have very valid reasons to cut them all off! So if that's what you wish to do, do it without guilt or explanation... They've hurt you far too many times. It's time to focus on you and your family now and move on from all of this toxic behaviour.

All my siblings are blocked from contacting me. It feels great and I have not for one second regretted my choice.

Cut these people out of your life OP. Change your phone number / email address. You never have to see or speak to these people ever again if you do not wish to. As a previous poster suggested can you go the whole hog and move away...

You are getting good advice.

Send one text saying you do not wish to be contacted again because of the abuse you suffered.
Say you will contact the police if they contact you again.

Your parents abused you by allowing your siblings to abuse you.

Then block them all.
The advice to repeat that you forgive them, fake it till you make it, is good advice.

They are toxic.
Don't allow them the power to spoil any more of your life.

Well done for keeping them the hell away from your children.

You can be sure they will want you to be involved in their care.

Do not entertain them for a minute.

First post gets it bang on the money!

Cut them off. What can they do if you're not involved in their lives? Force you to be involved in their lives?? Nope. I'd even consider getting some sort of restraining order for them so that they can't contact you

yes it rings a bell with me too

This OP has been pushed aside by her parents but seems to channel most of her anger towards her siblings.

Either way, this “family” turned their back on the Op years ago. The OP doesn’t need to “cut contact”. She just needs to stop visiting her utterly appalling parents who don’t seem to give a fig about her

I don’t think the OP needs to do anything like that

They haven’t visited the OP for 15 years. The OP isn’t invited for family celebrations. This family don’t seem remotely bothered about the OP. They’ve been nothing but appalling to her for years and shunned her. I think the Op just needs to stop visiting her parents… and this “family” won’t pursue it i suspect

the Op “move away”??? FFS

uproot her children, her life - to get away from a family who haven’t even been to her house for 15 years, you don’t want to be with her her at family get together, who make no attempt to contact the Op.

All the Op has to do is stop initiating contact and visiting!

Your siblings are absolutely going to expect you to do the hard yards looking after your parents in their old age and ill health. I think rather than go no contact and have them show up at your door, you should move away from this bunch of arseholes and not tell them where you live. Make a new start for yourself with no reminders of this horrible life and they will still be able to phone you, only to discover that you’re not available as too busy and you no longer live where they think, so dropping by to bully or intimidate you is a waste of their time. (Just don’t give them a heads up that you’re out of there.)

I cut off my abusive family 10 years ago. Best decision ever! Never looked back. Please do the same.

I’m so sorry what you’ve been through. It sounds horrific and glad you made it through and realised it’s wrong.

They will 100% expect you to look after them. Let them expect away. So what if they show up at your door? Slam the door in their faces.

They may pursue it if OP's parents need care and the siblings don't want to do it. You only have to read the posts on the Elderly Parents board to know that the least favoured child is often the one who is pressured to do all the caring, despite childhood abuse or neglect.

YANBU at all OP.

Although I’m an only child, I was made homeless by close family members in late teens and will NEVER FORGET how vulnerable it made me feel

If they suddenly start “pursuing it “ the Op doesn’t engage
as they don’t really appear to have done with her for many years

the idea of the op changing her number, moving home, uprooting her children…. unfathomable