To cut ties with immediate family

[ilovexmass]

My two older siblings were very abusive to me growing up.

My sister has always been nasty to me (she is 10 years older) and even into adulthood her nastiness continued.

My brother made me homeless in my late teens (he is 12 years older) my parents just stood there and watched.

I was basically left to just get on with it, I suffered a lot from being homeless, I ended up in a lot of bad situations.
My parents didn't visit me for 15 years (in that time I visited them).

My siblings have had a lot of help of my parents, from gifting deposits for a house, to childcare, they have never helped me.

It's ironic as my siblings always moan and take the piss out of my parents and have never even sent a Mother's Day/ Father's Day card (I have) and all they do is act hard up when they have had so much help from them, I am shocked.

Due to the siblings abuse, my parents refuse to acknowledge it with my siblings and even asked me to "forget it".

There was an argument some years ago when I had my first child as I did not want the siblings around my child due to their abusive behaviour towards me as a child and prior to that I had been civil.

Now my parents don't even invite me for Xmas or family gatherings and instead choose to support my brother who is very nasty to them and bad tempered.

I have told my mum that I would rather cut my ties as she can't even support me/ acknowledge me.

Parents are approaching 70d now and I suspect they will want help on their later years due to them asking but as I told my mum it's not happening.
The kids that they have supported and put first should be the ones helping, not me who they have never helped.

People in the family do not see my point of view and think I should forgive and forget.

AIBU?

I moved my family to the other side of the planet (for a job) and went NC, and it was the best thing ever for us all.

Yes I think fuck the lot of them too. You didn't just experience sibling abuse, your parents are abusers too allowing this to continue and not protecting you.

I went NC and am much happier for it. I have not forgiven nor forgot what they all did. As a teen/early twenties I had lots of comments from people who didnt know the background - but its your family etc etc. I never went into detail then. I do now. I give a couple of snippets of the abuse and leave it at that. Christmas etc is hard. Everyone seems to be planning family days - wfh made that easier as not constantly around the office chat. Its been almost 30 years for me - ive had the letters, withheld number calls, flying monkeys that others talk about - wee hurdles along the way. This year ive decided thay the money that i would spend on their birthday/christmas presents im going to put to the side and treat me on my b.day and christmas. As for the caring for them in elderly years - not a chance. I was homeless at 16 - they reap what they sow and wont be cared for by me. I might even treat myself more with the money id use to support them. You wouldnt put up with a friend abusing you (or shouldnt), no need to accept thay from "family".

Read "its not you... its your family" by Dr sherrie campbell.

I come from a family, now my mum n dad have passed... where my sisters bfs side is very abusive, have done horrible things but it is minimised.

I cant abandoned to be around it anymore so have gone very low to no contact. My poor sister is trapped but cannot be helped.

I am painted as a bad person for distancing myself.

However, the patriarchal and misogyny roles are high. They are also very xenophobic, have shown traits of homophobia and I need to stay away as it makes me so sad.

That books great though, helped me heal.

I went no contact a year ago today. They turned up at my door on the 23rd December and left cheques and gifts. It made me shudder and I've been in a disocciated state since. I need to call the Police, but the fear is strong. No contact is not easy especially with emotionally immature parents who are more concerned about how it makes them look than how you feel.

All I will say is the Police take no contact with parents just as seriously as DV partners. In my experience. They put measures in place for an urgent response if I ever call from my phone. It made me feel a lot safer when the Police have your back. I was pleased to hear recently they now have powers to do an anti stalking order, which makes the process easier for victims.

Like a PP said you need to get them out of your head. I have CPTSD and that is easier said than done, when you are renumerating and trying to justify and make sense of your decision. You have to let go - of them, the guilt and shame.

It's not an easy road, but it's better than staying. A year on I'm in a better place. I hope this year will bring another significant amount of healing. It's bumpy, but it's better.

@Clipclopflop Call the police. You need to move, Love. If they know where you are, this was just them letting you know they can keep coming.

Surely they pretty much “cut ties” with you Op. When they kicked you out and made you homeless.

This. Make sure that you tell them in writing of some form that you no longer want any contact with them at all. Puts you in a much stronger position you do ever need to involve the police (which I hope you never do).

it would appear that they seem to be instigating very little contact with the op given they haven’t bothered to visit her in 15 years and don’t even ask her to join them for christmas or other celebrations.

I think the Op just needs to stop contacting them.

I'm in a state of flight for sure. I just want to move abroad, but I don't have the stamina or finances to do it. It all became much more difficult with Brexit.

So they have always remained in contact with me and my parents are the ones who would invite me down.

They didn't visit me for 15 years until 2021 during lockdown and have attempted to visit me since but it's me who declines.

They haven't invited me to the last 2 Christmases because I confronted the siblings on the abuse and have cut ties with them after they werebad mouthing me when I refused them to visit me when I had my 2nd child.

It is them that always initiate contact, I would only visit parents at Christmas but even then it wouldn't be every years and I would easily go 2 years without seeing them.

The siblings got the hump when I told them that she to their abusive behaviour that I would ever allow them to be see my kids and that's when my parents stepped in after they went back telling tales to my mum.

My mum asked me to "forget it" and to "apologise to my brother" and that's when she said that they couldn't invite me or him to visit them at the same time due to my refusal to speak to him.

I have told my mum many times how they have failed me as parents and why I don't want my kids to be around them and it falls on deaf ears.

To be honest I have contemplated going to the police about the historical abuse but it still wouldn't change things and I do worry about my children due to previous threats.

Read "but they're your family...right?" By Dr sherrie campbell and practice 'let them' their by mel Robbins.

They won't change... you need to make peace with it.

It is really hard though, really hard. You have to put yourself first and let them be who they are, hut focus on your healing regardless.

That's the only advice I have from someone who's been there and got the tshirt.

it’s as though you’re now trying to convince yourself that your OP was wrong

Op your parents made you homeless as a teenager!!!

you have been sidelined

and they have never supported you whilst extensively supporting your siblings

Did they ever tell you why they didn’t bother visiting you for 15 years?

Going no contact is a lot easier said than done! (I’m 3 years in!)

There will be days you don’t even realise you have done it and the peace will be brilliant. Then come the days where you realise family events have happened and you weren’t included (sometimes even extended family events) and then you have events such as birthdays, Christmas etc which can sometimes feel a bit like a kick in the teeth but to be fair it sounds like your already going through half of that!

I would honestly advise going low contact first and see how that feels and if that helps great if not then cut all contact.

This is how I feelnwith low contact... it sucks doesn't it?

Having a peaceful life isn't easy... but it's easier being embroiled in the drama and mismatch of morals and ethics, or putting up with minimising of abuse.

@ilovexmass

They are all vile and toxic. I am so sorry for you OP. Nothing good will come from staying in touch with them. Their actions are unforgiveable and they have not even asked for forgiveness. Build up your own family with good people you can feel safe around 🌻

All I ever wanted was an acknowledgment for how vile and abusive they were to me as for years I thought it was all my fault and that there was something wrong with me.

It was only after meeting my partner and becoming very close to his family that I could see that they were the problem.

My MIL is actually like my mother in a lot of ways and I am very thankful that I have such good in-laws.

My parents neglected me and my siblings as kids but they were also the ones who got the help (groceries brought at uni, money, weddings paid for, gifted house deposits, childcare etc)

In hindsight I should have cut them off when I was made homeless.

It was worse I had my own kids and they would pester and pester me, one Xmas when my youngest was 5 weeks old they had all tried to invite themselves over for Xmas (15 people) and that's when I let rip.

I am NC with the siblings, I confronted my brother but have ghosted my sister - I think she has got the hint as she hasn't contacted me since I didn't wish her or her kids a happy birthday last year.

My parents text/call every 2 weeks or so.
I ignored the Happy New Year wishes and will continue to do so now as I feel slot better for it and just want to move on and be free from it all.

This. Change your numbers and emails and address if you need to. Go completely NC it is freeing. I’m 4 years in and it feels good.

So delighted to read you are done and dropping that rope.
The peace is wonderful.
Both the finally taking control and beginning the acceptance of the past that you can never change and the realisation that we can never change others, just ourselves.

In my case I just kept saying to myself that I forgive them and wish them well, like a little chant, until I realised that by doing that I had stopped reflecting and had just moved on.
Despite efforts over the years by them I realised that not only was I no longer angry, I just no longer cared at all.
Enormously freeing.
Its a past I cannot change and no longer controls me.

You can get there OP, one day at a time.
Keep telling yourself you will forgive but never forget, that you are doing that for YOUR happy future, NOT theirs.

At times it may have been hard but not a fraction as hard as for people who allow these people power to upset, wound and take their peace, until they eventually die.

I never regretted telling myself "I choose me" being the basis of my decision 25 years ago.

@Critsey
Thank you for your kind words and advice, you have offered some very good advice.

In an ideal world I would just rather forget about it all and be able to move on, it's crazy as I thought I had forgotten about it until I had my first child, I only let rip when my brother was practically forcing me to allow him and his family meet my child and was trying to bully his way into my home.
It brought everything back.

But yes I feel a lot better for taking back the control and cutting ties.

*ilovexmass I am so sorry about your family situation. I am so sorry you experienced this. *

Cut them all off.

I have not experienced this but I wonder if Grey rock is best, it keeps the lines of communication open so you will know of any major developments.

Astrak I am so sorry about your family situation too, but well done for keeping them all at arms length!