Upset at friends son who keeps hitting mine!

[AmberSnake]

I have a history with a very close friend who’s son (2 years) is currently going through a hitting phase, every meet up he hits / bites / pushes my son (3.5 years) my son doesn’t hit, so he just gets really upset when hers does this. So far we haven’t made a big deal out of it and we just tell my LO “its fine, he doesnt mean it, he’s too young” but today it got to me because enough is enough. When her little one hit mine I told him off (quiet polietly i must add) “no darling please don’t do that again okay?” His mum got quite upset that i told her son off and also said apparently i gave her son dirty looks (which i dont recall but i may have looked upset). I don’t know if i’m right or wrong, i mean even if lets say i gave him dirty looks isnt it about damn time? How many times am i supposed to just let her kid beat mine up? For me i know her son is too young and is porbably just doing it for attention, but on the other side of the spectrum my son goes to nursery and i dont want him to think its okay for other kids to hit him. AIBU? was it rude of me to (polietly) tell her son off and lets just say I gave him a dirty looks? His parents don’t do much other than say no baby we don’t do that. But he keeps doing it again anyway so 🤷🏼‍♀️

No, I was that mum in soft play telling off the other kids with my teachers voice, and I wasn’t sorry if they cried. No kid drags mine around by the back of her jumper (or whatever) and has zero consequence!! You go for it. Kid will get told as soon as he is in childcare setting anyway so he may as well get used to it.

Why do you keep meeting up with this friend and her child? Protect your son, stop bringing him into this situation.

I should add, this was when their parents weren’t parenting! But yeah, your friend should have spoken to her son.

Misunderstood gentle parenting?

Of course you can say no to a child in a kind way as you did.
Tbh I wouldn't spend a lot of time with a friend not working on child's behavouir.

If you don't want to ask her to control her child then keep yours away until he's over this phase.

Of course you tell a child no how else will they learn

“no darling please don’t do that again okay?”

How is that a 'telling off'?

You'd be perfectly within your rights to tell him very firmly, "NO! Do not keep hitting".

Especially in your own home.

If your friend doesn't understand that, you need to stop meeting with the kids.

She’s quite a close friend of mine and she’s really nice overall. I dont want to throw the entire friendship away but in all honesty i dont think what she’s doing is right. If my son wasn’t listening to me i would go ask the other parents to tell him off. I wouldn’t expect the other families to just accept it. But for some reason she’s the one thats upset? Thats why i asked here

I have 3 sons and if they weren't listening to me (as they sometimes didn't at that age), I'd give them one warning and then take them straight home.

Your friends child will never learn how to behave with other children if his own mother doesn't stop him from hitting.
You were right to tell him to stop.

His parents don’t do much other than say no baby we don’t do that. But he keeps doing it again anyway so

You're within your rights to tell him no but it's a bit unfair to say his parents aren't telling him when you've said that they do, they tell him we don't do that.

Lots of kids go through the hitting phase and if he's only 2yrs old then his understanding of right vs wrong will be limited, as will his ability to verbalise his frustrations rather than just lashing out.

If it's bothering you to the point that it's impacting the friendship then you could always suggest meeting up without the children or meet up during the day when yours is at nursery/preschool. This phase doesn't last forever and if she's a good friend the it's not worth falling out over.

you were not rude. But she certainly was.

I think I would have spoken up too but with him being so young it's probably difficult to relay it to a 2 year old. I would have expected his mum to be the one to have ticked him off.

You were not rude. Sometimes a telling off (yours was so gentle it doesn’t even sound like a telling off) from a stranger is more effective than a parent.

Stick to seeing your friend without the kids there.

Nothing to say that you can't say anything. If he hits your son - both you and your son need to say to him that he's not being very kind and remove yourselves. Then take yourselves off to another corner of the room or leave altogether. You are just reinforcing that his behaviour is not okay with you - so you leave. Do it every time he behaves that way and eventually he'll learn or you will have lost a friend. Either way you are protecting your son - he's been good not to retaliate so far.

Address it with your friend and if she isn't dealing with it, back off from the friendship. It's good to teach your child there are unacceptable behaviours that he shouldn't tolerate.

If you don't you might end up like a crazy person I know yelling 'we don't grab peoples necks' at a 3 year old in a leisure centre as his mum sits playing candy crush.

I'm the crazy person, and I let that boy get physical with mine far more than I should have. I've never been so relieved to end an unhealthy friendship, I wish I'd never let it get to that point.

I didnt say they dont do anything i said they dont do much. As in there is no repercussions or removing her child or adressing it with us(the parents) In my opinion even if i did give him the “dirty looks” i feel like its the bare minimum because his parents aren’t doing anything about it

She’s not your friend.

Friends don’t sit there like a limp lettuce when their friend’s children are being injured.

Tell her your DS needs some space as the violence is impacting him and you don’t want him to think that hitting is okay.

But also, where has he learnt to hit? Is he being hit? Something to think about.

I think you need to do more to protect your son.

Sounds like your child is getting hit regularly which is horrible.

Your friend is not a nice person because she is ok with your son being hit, as her actions show,

How do i go about this moving forward? If she asks to meet up with the kids (our husbands are also friends so its a family situation most of the time as we both work full time and mainly see each other weekends). Do i tell her i’m teaching my son self defense so if your son hits him i’m gonna have to tell mine to hit back? Is that okay or is that rude? I do really want my son to learn self defence as like i mentioned he goes to school and i don’t want him to not be able to defend himself

Agree with PP suggestion to meet without the kids. Just say it's upsetting your son and once her DS has grown out of this stage you can meet up with the kids in tow again. It's weird she got so upset by your very gentle reprimand when he's going to get a retaliatory shove back off another child sooner or later.

You say,

“Not at the moment. Our children clearly aren’t getting along. Let’s give them their space.”

Just tell her that at this stage of their development, the age gap is clashing.

I wouldn't say that OP. Not sure if that was a joke. You have different kids with different parenting approaches so the best way all round is to meet up without the kids. I'd probably make excuses to justify it as it's such a delicate subject that could impact the friendship.

Can you both dump kids on husband and meet up on your own for regular coffees for an hour and just develop your connections this way. It sounds much more rewarding for both of you. You can't force these things with the kids sometimes.

She’s quite a close friend of mine and she’s really nice overall. I dont want to throw the entire friendship away.

Don't put your friend and your friendship before your son.