Upset at friends son who keeps hitting mine!

[AmberSnake]

I have a history with a very close friend who’s son (2 years) is currently going through a hitting phase, every meet up he hits / bites / pushes my son (3.5 years) my son doesn’t hit, so he just gets really upset when hers does this. So far we haven’t made a big deal out of it and we just tell my LO “its fine, he doesnt mean it, he’s too young” but today it got to me because enough is enough. When her little one hit mine I told him off (quiet polietly i must add) “no darling please don’t do that again okay?” His mum got quite upset that i told her son off and also said apparently i gave her son dirty looks (which i dont recall but i may have looked upset). I don’t know if i’m right or wrong, i mean even if lets say i gave him dirty looks isnt it about damn time? How many times am i supposed to just let her kid beat mine up? For me i know her son is too young and is porbably just doing it for attention, but on the other side of the spectrum my son goes to nursery and i dont want him to think its okay for other kids to hit him. AIBU? was it rude of me to (polietly) tell her son off and lets just say I gave him a dirty looks? His parents don’t do much other than say no baby we don’t do that. But he keeps doing it again anyway so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Obviously
You stop seeing them
Why would you continually put your child in a situation where they get hurt ,and you dismiss it ,as he didn't mean it
Your conditioning your child to accept violence and to accept being bullied because..oh he didn't mean it .
Stand up for your child and stop putting him in that position

I have this problem with a family member. Simply gentle parenting only works for gentle children. Her first is a gentle child. Her second is not and she never gets told off for hitting/biting/pushing etc. If I am there I very firmly tell the child ‘no NO we do NOT hit’ which the mum absolutely hates, but I’m sick of my kids being the targets. Unfortunately it’s been 3 years of this now and we don’t see them very much anymore which is sad. But my kids don’t want to see the child and I have to look out for them

Probably not appropriate but I’d tell my DS, next time X smacks you on purpose - smack them back. They’ll learn.

Do i tell her i’m teaching my son self defense so if your son hits him i’m gonna have to tell mine to hit back? Is that okay or is that rude?

That would be utterly unhinged, even if your son weren't 18 months older than this other boy, which he is.

The answer is what everyone has told you it is: stop meeting up as a family until their son is a bit older and past the hitting phase. You shouldn't be prioritising this friendship over your son.

Gosh my son went through a hitting phase at this stage - there were consequences though “we are gentle with are friends, if we can’t be gentle we’ll have to leave’ - and leave we did, every time, it felt like weeks. I wasn’t unkind - I love my son, he know’s he’s loved - I just held a reasonable boundary. he doesn’t hit anyone randomly anymore…

your friend is being a prat - and is probably embarrassed at being ineffective. I would take some time out from this for a while - even if it’s just a ‘let’s meet up without the boys while they’re in this phase’

I've been in a similar situations, both as you and as the other mother.

In your situation I wasn't as close as your are to the other mother, but learned quickly that as she was not properly addressing the hitting/biting, she didn't address other behaviours either (kicking/strangling etc) on, not just my child, but all children they came into contact with. Came to a head when her husband called the police on my mother, for my mother to have the "audacdity" to "throw the boy across the room" (she didnt, she moved him gently away from burning candles and had witnesses). But the husband spent the night in custody for being caught on cctv grabbing and twisting his son's arm, to be able to blame my mother.
I've not spoken to them in 8 years and my anxiety when I see them is off the chart.

Where I was in your friend's position, I knew my son was a hitter/biter (not the son from the situation above), so I would follow him everywhere, if we were around other children and stop him if I could see he was going to hit or bite. Or apologise profusely and remove my son if he did.

So, do you really want to be friends with someone who is OK with their child hiting/biting another child? The parent's actions speak louder than the child's in this situation

@AmberSnake what @LivingLaVidaBabyShower said. I would be saying something like ‘I appreciate you don’t want me to tell little Johhny off if he hits my child but in that case, I’m expecting you to deal with it if he tries it again’.

Tell her your child doesn't want to meet up with them anymore because he's tired of being hit. Your son is only 3, he shouldn't have to put up with that. Amazing how some people are always the victim......

I had similar problem with my DD being bitten by a friend's LO.

My priority was #1 to keep DD safe and #2 to make sure that DD didn't learn that bitting was OK.

The next time my DD was bitten we simply left the playdate (immediately with minimum fuss and explanation). I wasn't going to hang around for DD to be bitten again, my DD was safe and the other LO learnt that the fun stopped if they bit their friend. I only had to do this once, after which the other child learnt that they didn't "win" attention from bitting. It also meant I didn't have to say anything to my friend's child so avoided that particular minefield.

You should NEVER tell off someone else’s child. EVER.

You make their parent aware of what’s happened and let them deal with it.
If they don’t deal with it, you remove yourself from the situation.

There is no ‘not causing upset’ if your friend refuses to address her child’s aggression. You just tell her that you cannot have your child growing up thinking that this is what friendships are like. You have to protect them from the physical (and likely emotional) abuse, if she won’t sort her child out.
End of.

Sorry, but this is terrible advice to give such a young child.

If someone isn’t dealing with their child, someone else will. That person can’t complain if they refuse to tell their child off.

I’m not going to sit there and allow another child to hit mine, especially in the case of things like soft play when the parent is unknown.

Whilst I would remove my child from a situation to prevent them from being hurt I also have to ask why should the good child and parent have to leave because of another child's behaviour which their parent can't or won't deal with?

If you know your child is a hitter/biter because they already have form for it then you should be watching them like a hawk and removing your child the second they even look like they are going to hit or bite and take them home. Maybe they won't do it if they don't get to stay.

Don't make other people feel like they need to tell of your child to protect their own. They aren't the bad guy.