Upset at friends son who keeps hitting mine!

[AmberSnake]

I have a history with a very close friend who’s son (2 years) is currently going through a hitting phase, every meet up he hits / bites / pushes my son (3.5 years) my son doesn’t hit, so he just gets really upset when hers does this. So far we haven’t made a big deal out of it and we just tell my LO “its fine, he doesnt mean it, he’s too young” but today it got to me because enough is enough. When her little one hit mine I told him off (quiet polietly i must add) “no darling please don’t do that again okay?” His mum got quite upset that i told her son off and also said apparently i gave her son dirty looks (which i dont recall but i may have looked upset). I don’t know if i’m right or wrong, i mean even if lets say i gave him dirty looks isnt it about damn time? How many times am i supposed to just let her kid beat mine up? For me i know her son is too young and is porbably just doing it for attention, but on the other side of the spectrum my son goes to nursery and i dont want him to think its okay for other kids to hit him. AIBU? was it rude of me to (polietly) tell her son off and lets just say I gave him a dirty looks? His parents don’t do much other than say no baby we don’t do that. But he keeps doing it again anyway so 🤷🏼‍♀️

The problem is that i don’t want this to have a big strain on our friendship. As i said she is a dear friend and i dont want to lose our connection over this, meeting without the kids will only cause less and less meetups and distnace. I’d rather find a way to tackle the problem where I can get the message across that it’s not acceptable and she/ we need to do something about it and give that a shot. If that doesn’t work, thats another story.

You don’t have to keep taking your son back there to be hit by this other child. I understand she’s your friend but it is not your place to tell another child off who is not yours, all you can do is protect your own child by not taking him to this woman’s home to be hit. Until that phase is over, explain to your friend that you won’t be seeing her or her child. She really doesn’t sound like much of a friend either, she definitely shouldn’t be allowing her child to hit yours and I understand your frustration completely but it is not your place to discipline someone else’s child, all you can do is do the best for your child by not putting him in harms way knowingly and repeatedly.

But she isn’t tackling it. And it doesn’t sound like she’s going to.

At the moment your child is a punch bag for her child.

Protecting your child should be your priority.

“Our children aren’t getting along” places the blame on both kids which is as kind as you should be tbh because your son isn’t actually doing anything wrong but you rightly don’t want him to become a doormat who accepts being hit by other kids. If your son is unable to cope with being hit and lashes out then he could end up hurting your friend’s son and nobody wants that.

Yes ^

Then the other option is to play her at her own game. Be ultra protective and whisk your child away every time her child gets close.

Also tell her that you can’t have your child hit again so will need to keep the dc separated at meet ups.

But really it’s going to be difficult to enforce this so your child is going to keep getting hit.

I think you can address this delicately and see how it goes. I think using words like unacceptable won't go down well and you might have to rehearse how to have the conversation because it's going to be difficult. I'd rehearse this tbh if it was a relationship I valued.

I would meet up and when you do, in this situation I personally would say, ' I feel like you were hurt or offended last time we met when I told Johnny not to hit Timmy.

Then I would sit back and let her talk. See what she says. She might tell you something you didn't expect, she might downplay it which will be difficult.

I'd say, I know some people don't appreciate someone else telling them how to parent or telling their child off. I was conscious of this when I spoke to Johnny, I was trying to be as gentle as possible so not to overstep. It is pretty difficult as Timmy is struggling with being hit sometimes and I feel as his mum I can't just sit back and not say something. Can we just have a chat about it.

If she loses her shit or is unreasonable then you can't do any more can you. It's possible she may get defensive and I kind of understand if she has a spirited child that is more physical that she might do. It's pretty unreasonable for someone to be ok with their kid smacking another without saying something at all. I find that odd.

If you really value her then I can't think of any way to approach this and guage views.

Where are the men in this situation? Are they just standing by watching this happen?

If she is as dear a friend as you say, she shouldn't take offence if you tell her you are not happy that her son keeps hitting yours.

That sound exhausting and will only eventually build resentment from your end from your friend because if only she could adequately discipline her child to not hit other children, you wouldn’t have to be doing all of this vigilant work and running around to make sure your son isn’t being abused by another child. You’ll be spending more time watching the children than you will talking to your friend, you will be on edge every time that child steps too close to yours. Is it all really worth that? No. Please protect your child and walk away.

You need to ask yourself why you value a person who clearly has no morals or ethics and better yet, why would you even want someone in your life who allows your child to be hit to be your friend when they could HELP the situation instead of sitting back and letting it unfold time and time again?

Surely being alone or finding new friends with normal tendencies is better than allowing the abuse of your child OP 💐

You want a 3.5 year old to learn self defence?

🤦🏼‍♀️

His mum got quite upset

so fucking what??? Honestly? So what?

Arent you upset? In fact arent you more upset???

My dd has been corrected if she hits from under 2. At 2 y 9m she knows not to hit and to expect a consequence.
This child is poorly parented and your friend is the problem

Why on earth would you let her and her son behave like this to your poor DS. She cant be that amazing to allow you to let your ds be treated so poorly????

If shes such a great friend ask her how she plans to deal with his hitting. If she doesnt have a clear plan say "it doesnt sound like you have a clear plan or strategy to prevent your son hurting my son or other children so it best we dont socialise with the kids going forward"

You are legit doing her and yourself a favour addressing this now
hthere are several threads on here from women who who have "friend A" whose kids hurt OPs children and damage / break things in their house. they want to cut contact but "feel bad" as they are friend As only friend as no one else was willing to put up with her bullshit parenting and arsehole kids

Not really formal self defence but tell your son to hit him back. Don't say anything about it to your friend. Job done.

Don't put your child In a situation you know they are going to get hurt in ...

What she should be doing is standing over her own child ready to pre-empt and divert. It’s exhausting for her but also appropriate parenting.

Therefore, I would be warning your son about how you intend to make the visit work so he is expecting to be diverted himself at short notice and I would be standing over my own son and swerving him quickly when danger looms.

Friend can like it or lump it.

Unless she is willing to sit right by her son so she can anticipate him hitting then I wouldn't be willing to have my child around her.

I have a 2 year old and if he gets rough, he is firmly told no and removed for a short while. If it happened again, I'd just leave.

I agree with others saying not to keep meeting up with her. Maybe then she’ll take the hint. The child is only 2 but they need to be told off for that behaviour else how are they going to know it’s wrong? This is on the mum and not the child.

You need to teach your DS to stand up for himself! He is being beaten up by a kid half his age! Teach him how to say no and push him off, or if that doesn't work to clobber him back.

Your friend may be a nice person but she’s a crap mother.
Good for you for defending your little boy.

Your son needs to come first.

But don't throw away a good friend over toddlers pushing, work out a strategy and work through it

You can't let your kid keep getting bitten and hit because you find it 'too awkward' to say anything, OP!

Tell her you'll meet up with her without DS. If she asks why, tell her he doesn't want to come because he hates being hurt and not being able to retaliate.

It really is that simple.

A firm “we don’t hit” or just “no” every time anyone does something to your child they don’t like. It’s your job to teach your child this and show them how. Never worry about upsetting another parent of a badly behaved child, that isn’t your job.

Situations where you like a friend but don’t like their parenting will continue to happen now you’re a parent. Meet up with them without children.

If your friend isn’t dealing with it then I would tell the child off a lot more firmly than you did. Who cares if that upsets her? Presumably you and your son are unhappy with the situation. Why are her feelings more important than both of yours?

Either:

Meet her alone

Tell little Jimmy off

Tell your son to belt Jimmy back twice as hard