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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dd to grow up and to feel down about what life will be like

55 replies

Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 21:38

I would never show her this or stifle her of course, but it’s a sadness I have inside.
We took years to have her, due to infertility, can’t have any more children.
Having her and this family life has been the hardest but also most joyous part of my life. I love family days to the zoo and the playground (appreciate lots don’t) but I think because it was just Dh and I for so long (which was lovely too, but in a different way) I don’t feel bored by this life of weekends at play centres and parks…I love it all.

I just really struggle with what family life will be like when she’s a bit older, just the three of us, what will we even do…and then when she’s grown and gone.
I know I need to stay in the moment, but those first 4 years at home and everything we did were really the happiest days ever. It just seemed to go so fast

I don’t know why I struggle so much with this, is it normal or do I need help?

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/12/2024 21:48

She will bring her friends home, later on there may be boyfriends and eventually grandchildren. You have lots to look forward too xx

Original poster
Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 21:50

Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/12/2024 21:48

She will bring her friends home, later on there may be boyfriends and eventually grandchildren. You have lots to look forward too xx

She already has friends here most weekends, which is lovely, but even this feels like less time just her and us and doing family things

She’s 6 now

OP posts:
foyc · 30/12/2024 21:51

The teen years have been my favourite so far, I know that's not the fashionable thing to say but my teen doesn't have an aversion to hanging out with us, we have shared hobbies, they have their own personalities and opinions. The best is yet to come if you ask me.

Original poster
Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 21:53

foyc · 30/12/2024 21:51

The teen years have been my favourite so far, I know that's not the fashionable thing to say but my teen doesn't have an aversion to hanging out with us, we have shared hobbies, they have their own personalities and opinions. The best is yet to come if you ask me.

How much time do you get to spend with them though? I read things on here about them only nipping down for dinner, not talking much…I think of my own teenage years and I was just never in, always out with friends

OP posts:
Grappledapple · 30/12/2024 21:59

There is an entire lifetime ahead from 6 years old!

foyc · 30/12/2024 22:01

So we tend to be relatively busy in the week as we both have our own hobbies that take up most week nights (but have dinner together every night and tend to go to the gym together one night).

We spend weekend evenings/nights together, he is a movie buff, he tends to go out with friends in the day more in the summer but is home much more in the winter. We still do family days out on weekends (not every weekend). We have a good balance I think, we have our own things going on so we're not in each other's pockets.

Original poster
Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 22:03

Grappledapple · 30/12/2024 21:59

There is an entire lifetime ahead from 6 years old!

I know and I realise it sounds ridiculous…I’ve had the feeling since she was teeny, but just tried to stay in the moment. I even get upset about thinking of her as a baby and would so want to hold her like that again, so I try not to think about it, do I need help? Do others feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 22:05

foyc · 30/12/2024 22:01

So we tend to be relatively busy in the week as we both have our own hobbies that take up most week nights (but have dinner together every night and tend to go to the gym together one night).

We spend weekend evenings/nights together, he is a movie buff, he tends to go out with friends in the day more in the summer but is home much more in the winter. We still do family days out on weekends (not every weekend). We have a good balance I think, we have our own things going on so we're not in each other's pockets.

What do you do on family days? I don’t remember that as a teen, just always shopping with friend or at their houses, sleepovers, then the naughty going out to clubs and parties

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 30/12/2024 22:06

It is all fun! the best years are still to come when you can go on adventures with them all over the place. Teach them things and be astounded by their ingenuity and skills.

Mine are in their 20s and still fun. They need you less and you see less of them as they grow but the beauty of it is this aligns with loss of energy and stamina to keep up with them. You can watch them blossom into adults. It is such a privilege to raise a child and then help them launch off into their own lives as young adults.

I was totally there for long late night deep philosophical conversations or teenage relationship drama or rage against injustice rants from age 14 to 20, but now I just want to be in bed at 11pm and snoozing so having a 30min video chat every other day and seeing them twice a year for a week or two is plenty! I now have time for my friends and hobbies and husband (not necessarily in that order!). I am enjoying the slower pace of life and time to focus on me without it taking away from my kids.

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2024 22:08

Maybe you should talk this through with a professional if it’s affecting you so much quite a negative mindset and not healthy to be so reliant on your child for your happiness.

foyc · 30/12/2024 22:09

What do you do on family days? I don’t remember that as a teen, just always shopping with friend or at their houses, sleepovers, then the naughty going out to clubs and parties

We go to the gym together, we go to the cinema, he loves 'travelling' so day trips to cities we've not been too, more extravagantly weekends and holidays abroad of course. He loves going into London and seeing a show. We build Lego together. He loves theme parks, he'll politely go to museums (so long as we go to Starbucks after ha) honestly he's up for anything, oh except shopping, he hates shopping!

It's quite expensive by the way 🤣

What do you enjoy doing? You'll find shared interests.

foyc · 30/12/2024 22:10

Oh his favourite is going out for dinner, so we often try out new restaurants.

foyc · 30/12/2024 22:11

Oh and we have a monthly board game and takeaway night.

HPandthelastwish · 30/12/2024 22:15

Well it's always just been me and DD, she's a teen now.

I cultivated a love of theatre in her from being a tot, so we go at least once a month and go out for a meal which is our 'thing'. We were sat next to a 90 year old and her 70 year old daughter at the last show we went to and DD joked that that would be us one day.

We do several trips into London a year.

Day to day, is trickier as she's autistic so needs lots of downtime and quiet, but there is still time everyday to chat and catch up. Normally with a hot drink and a couple of biscuits. Beach walks or doing C25K together. Cinema trips. Going out for coffee together. Museums and art galleries still feature heavily.

I've also got time for me things too now and can re-find myself after being a single parent for so long.

@Itsallonthewordsyouuse What do you do with your mum as an adult child or what would you do if she's no longer around or you don't have a good relationship? DD often reminds me that how I feel about her my parents feel about me so I regularly pop around for tea. We got to the garden centre and do the gardens together. I take mum to the cinema and theatre too. We go for a stroll along the beach.

Original poster
Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 22:26

HPandthelastwish · 30/12/2024 22:15

Well it's always just been me and DD, she's a teen now.

I cultivated a love of theatre in her from being a tot, so we go at least once a month and go out for a meal which is our 'thing'. We were sat next to a 90 year old and her 70 year old daughter at the last show we went to and DD joked that that would be us one day.

We do several trips into London a year.

Day to day, is trickier as she's autistic so needs lots of downtime and quiet, but there is still time everyday to chat and catch up. Normally with a hot drink and a couple of biscuits. Beach walks or doing C25K together. Cinema trips. Going out for coffee together. Museums and art galleries still feature heavily.

I've also got time for me things too now and can re-find myself after being a single parent for so long.

@Itsallonthewordsyouuse What do you do with your mum as an adult child or what would you do if she's no longer around or you don't have a good relationship? DD often reminds me that how I feel about her my parents feel about me so I regularly pop around for tea. We got to the garden centre and do the gardens together. I take mum to the cinema and theatre too. We go for a stroll along the beach.

Edited

I live in another country to my parents sadly, but when we see each other we go for walks, shopping, for coffee

OP posts:
LadyChilli · 30/12/2024 22:27

Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 22:03

I know and I realise it sounds ridiculous…I’ve had the feeling since she was teeny, but just tried to stay in the moment. I even get upset about thinking of her as a baby and would so want to hold her like that again, so I try not to think about it, do I need help? Do others feel like this?

Show quote history

I feel and have felt like this. Also infertility and ds is an only child. I remember thinking on our first day at home together when he was bornl that I was cherishing it and I had it all ahead and that it was a moment I was sure I'd want to relive. I love being a mum and have adored all of it, from walking him round the park in his pram trying to get him to sleep as a baby to crawling around soft plays with him. It's great to know you have appreciated it and not taken it for granted. DD is 10 now and it's no less great. He sitting with his back to me now playing X box but we're in the same room and as close as ever, just in a different way. We have time apart because I'm divorced from his dad now and that's ok too, I miss him but I also enjoy it. I thought I'd never love anyone as much as I loved my baby but I love my 10 year old more. I hope and assume it continues that way and you may well be the same.

OkPedro · 30/12/2024 22:27

foyc · 30/12/2024 22:09

What do you do on family days? I don’t remember that as a teen, just always shopping with friend or at their houses, sleepovers, then the naughty going out to clubs and parties

We go to the gym together, we go to the cinema, he loves 'travelling' so day trips to cities we've not been too, more extravagantly weekends and holidays abroad of course. He loves going into London and seeing a show. We build Lego together. He loves theme parks, he'll politely go to museums (so long as we go to Starbucks after ha) honestly he's up for anything, oh except shopping, he hates shopping!

It's quite expensive by the way 🤣

What do you enjoy doing? You'll find shared interests.

What age is your son? He sounds cool.. I'd love if my teens were so keen to spend that much time with me!

Original poster
Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 22:30

OkPedro · 30/12/2024 22:27

What age is your son? He sounds cool.. I'd love if my teens were so keen to spend that much time with me!

Show quote history

Yes it’s lovely, it was never like that when I was younger. I hope Dd stays close to me like that, I suspect not though as she’s a real social butterfly

OP posts:
LottieMary · 30/12/2024 22:32

Well, I'm sitting in bed in my parents house as I am every Christmas or new year but I see my mum at least once a week (on mat leave it was more!) for a decent amount of time. Childhood family time - wide range of stuff! Days out, holidays, activities, shared interests. We now share books, go to the theatre, have some solo lunch dates (no kids) booked in.
Her boundaries were also always clear - welcome to have over and visit friends but at least one day a weekend was family day. We often went away at half terms usually to visit my grandma but if that meant missing a friends thing that was unfortunate but we had prior commitments

Wonderi · 30/12/2024 22:33

What did you do before she was born?

It’s lovely that you enjoy her so much ❤️ but remember you are both individuals and she will have her life, just like you will have yours.

If it’s child activities you enjoy doing, perhaps you could look into fostering, volunteering or changing jobs.

I found as my DD got older, the activities got better.
We went from soft play areas which I couldn’t join much with, to the cinema, amusement parks and going out for meals etc.

She will have friends and be less dependent on you but you’ll never lose her completely, it will just be in a different way.

Look into social groups as she gets older, so you can have fun with the parents whilst she’s having fun with her friends.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 30/12/2024 22:34

I have 3 dc but I know how you feel now that my youngest is a teenager. However we spend lots of time together, she's 13 and we do weekends away, theatre, cinema, dinner, movie nights, shopping and there's lots we haven't done because she isn't old enough like spa days and pubs. We like staying indoors together too watching movies, netflix, board games that kind of thing. She has loads of friends, hobbies and does well at school. I really do think the best days are still ahead. Sometimes I look back on the old days with her and her brothers with sadness. I'd love a day with them being small again but I'm so happy and blessed to watch them grow up and so are you

foyc · 30/12/2024 22:34

What age is your son? He sounds cool.. I'd love if my teens were so keen to spend that much time with me!

Nearly 15, don't get me wrong he's a slave to his gaming PC and what I describe is averaged out in reality, we're not doing board games, dinners and theatre every weekend ha, but he just hasn't (yet) got to that grumpy embarrassing parents age, I know he's still relatively young and it may still come, but he's fallen into a really lovely group of friends who seem similarly positive about their families so I suspect that helps.

OkPedro · 30/12/2024 22:35

Itsallonthewordsyouuse · 30/12/2024 22:30

Yes it’s lovely, it was never like that when I was younger. I hope Dd stays close to me like that, I suspect not though as she’s a real social butterfly

Show quote history

Me neither. I was rarely at home by the time I was 14.. my daughter is 16 we have a lovely relationship but friends come first. My son is 13 and has become a mute since the summer 😔 he gets on great with his sister though. I'm hoping he comes back once he's through puberty 🤞🤞🤞

museumum · 30/12/2024 22:36

I’ve had a lovely day with ds(11) today. Honestly, don’t waste your life worrying about tomorrow. It’s natural the6 get a bit more independent as they grow but your bond can remain strong. I think however you need to get some of your own independence and hobbies. Ds is the most importantly thing in my life by far but he’s not the only thing in my life.

Ikeameatballs · 30/12/2024 22:38

Honestly, I both feel how you feel and also try to not show it!

My DC are now 18 and 15. I think that navigating a path from adult-child to adult-adult relationships is difficult but your daughter will need to be independent from you. The saying is “we give them wings so they can fly” and this is so true. I love my dc, look back at photos of them when they were young with a lot of wistfulness and rose tinted glasses! But today I had a lovely lunch out with DD and her girlfriend, that was great too! Each stage brings it’s own highs and lows and you need to be able to enjoy each stage for what it is.