To not want Dd to grow up and to feel down about what life will be like

[Itsallonthewordsyouuse]

I would never show her this or stifle her of course, but it’s a sadness I have inside.
We took years to have her, due to infertility, can’t have any more children.
Having her and this family life has been the hardest but also most joyous part of my life. I love family days to the zoo and the playground (appreciate lots don’t) but I think because it was just Dh and I for so long (which was lovely too, but in a different way) I don’t feel bored by this life of weekends at play centres and parks…I love it all.

I just really struggle with what family life will be like when she’s a bit older, just the three of us, what will we even do…and then when she’s grown and gone.
I know I need to stay in the moment, but those first 4 years at home and everything we did were really the happiest days ever. It just seemed to go so fast

I don’t know why I struggle so much with this, is it normal or do I need help?

DC is 15 and it’s mostly been great. Especially lately he is up for doing things. We’re planning trips, enjoy tv shows etc. We are both keen on staying in which is great. I’ve got into football more so we can share that. You have a long way to go. I worry about him going to uni, half worried, half excited. There is real joy in seeing them grow up. A friend gave me advice when mine was 4 or so. Always have your own interests because they quickly find theirs and you need your own life. This was probably the best advice anyone gave me.,

I know what it's like to worry OP, my worry was that because he was a boy we'd have less in common, no MN spa days and shopping lol. But you just don't know what their personality will be, and there's lots you can do to try and curate the relationship you want, as has been said I think the key is common ground.

You likely will spend less time with her, but think about what quality shared interest you could have. And also focus on what you want for yourself and your relationship with your DH, it's not healthy to have your child as the centre of your universe forever, and finding out what else you want from life will help when she naturally and healthily becomes more independent.

It sounds like you feel some grief about aspects of your daughter’s childhood. You will not be the only person to feel like this. For myself, I loved being so loved and needed at this stage. I occasionally see photos from then and it can bring me to tears.
it may be worth exploring this grief further - you may find it has roots your own childhood experiences rather than your experiences of being a mum.

And also focus on what you want for yourself and your relationship with your DH, it's not healthy to have your child as the centre of your universe forever, and finding out what else you want from life will help when she naturally and healthily becomes more independent.

This is good advice

My teens are 17 and 14. They are both lovely, and I can honestly say, each stage has it's benefits. Toddlers are so cute and enthusiastic for everything - but such hard work. Young children make you feel so proud as they gain their independence, plus days out can be to a wider variety of destinations that everyone enjoys. You can watch films and play board games etc. Now I have teens I am loving their, and our, newly found independence. Being able to go out without them feels really liberating (even if we are only going shopping). They spend time with us, not because they have to, but because they want to. We still watch films together and play games - but they don't have to be aimed at children which is quite refreshing.

Your children growing up isn't a process of loss, it's one of gain. Because all the time they are gaining new layers for you to discover and enjoy. Their emerging personalities, their wit, the opinions and perspectives that are all their own, the things they know that you don't and teach you, the new people they bring into your life. The constant adding of new experiences as they become old enough to enjoy them. Mine are adults now, and while their childhood was precious, nothing compares to having the fabulous people they've become in my life. You have much to look forward to.

There was always something to enjoy at every stage of my dcs' lives. They are currently 18 and 21.

I would suggest that you cultivate and keep aside a part of yourself that is separate from your dd because it is inevitable that when she gets older, her friends will become as important if not more important than you.

That is because she is safe in the knowledge that you always have her back whilst she spreads her wings and learns to gain independence as an adult.

There will come a time when she prefers to holiday with her friends and boyfriend and less with her parents. My plan is to bribe them to come on holiday with dh and I. At their age, freebies are pretty popular. Sometimes, we even pay for their friends (e.g. we pay for a double room that they share with a friend).

So keep working at your job if possible. Teenagers and young adults are expensive.

I think this is a very normal feeling OP. I remember feeling like that a few years ago in my early 40s. But the feeling has (somewhat) faded now - suspect peri menopause has played a part.

You're very fortunate to have enjoyed your dds early childhood to the max - for a lot of people, especially those with more than one, it can be quite a slog where you're essentially praying for bedtime most days! 😂

To add this is something I've found common among friends who are only children (I'm an only child aswell) many of us are questioning it we even want marriage or kids but there feels to be a greater pressure to have these things because we're only children when we don't owe it to our parents so don't expect these things either

I understand how you feel but I think you need to put those thoughts to the back of your mind and enjoy the here and now. I remember feeling sad when my children were small and felt time was flying past too quickly. I have always worked full-time so life was pretty hectic and it never felt as if there was enough time.

BUT ...

Honestly, every age they have been has been fantastic. Although I thought I'd miss things like going to the park when they got bigger, I didn't because we just did other, more exciting and interesting stuff. They're young adults now and both at university and honestly, I don't miss when they were small because I love the age they are now. I love watching them grow up and seeing them explore the world and have amazing adventures and experiences.

While I do think a lot of these feelings are part and parcel of being a parent, don't let this worry rob you of your enjoyment of life.

I don't mean to sound heartless, but you guys could be even closer when she's a teen, or life may take a different turn, take nothing for granted and waste no time on what may never come to pass.

Trust me - this year I've lost two close family members suddenly and I'm battling an aggressive cancer. I look back at my "worries" and laugh inwardly!

Oh it was/is that too many of the days

Might be peri too a bit

Huh?

I’m so sorry xx

The first comment on the thread raised to you how she'll go on to have boyfriends and grandkids etc and I'm telling you this isn't a given so don't pin your hopes on it as many parents do.

Great, thanks, helpful!

You are literally just starting the ‘nice age’ OP. Don’t worry, you have loads to look forward to.
Having fun holidays, having real conversations, playing games, watching her in her school play or sports match, see her make friends, watch how she comes to you for help.

Believe me, it’s just beginning.

Each stage brings it’s own highs and lows and you need to be able to enjoy each stage for what it is.

It’s never boring that is for sure! Always lovely new memories around the corner.
If they were tiny 4yos forever I think we’d get fed up of the constant “why?” And “teddy wants a chocolate biscuit too..”

We would miss out on the 7yo saying “look mummy! I drew a giraffe-zebra-unicorn with wings on my bedroom wall…because flying giraffe unicorns with stripes should be real”

And you'd miss out on the 18 year old saying "Shall we go for a drive? I've got loads of gossip to tell you!"

Mine would come flying in and say “Mum! Have I got some tea to spill”

The slang they come up with is a whole new language! 😂

Yes! She says that as well! I bought her a mug for Christmas with "Spill the tea!" written on it, especially for that purpose! 😂

My daughter's 14. She likes her own space in the house, either in her room or watching TV undisturbed. However, we still do lots of family things. Yesterday we all had a day out which was lovely. Today I took her shopping in the city, tomorrow we're going out for lunch.
I find she's much more chatty and engaged if we take her out. At home she likes to be left alone a lot, but if we take her out, she'll happily chat away non-stop. I love our family holidays for this reason.
So yes, it's different. Yes she spends a lot of time with friends, but it's still nice. We're still a family.

It's definitely good that you're thinking about it now, because you need to build your own interests and self-care in too. It's not healthy to build your entire life on and around one single person and literally nothing else, no matter who that person is. My friend sadly went through this when her child unexpectedly died age 4 and the relationship with the father didn't make it either.

Too many people don't think ahead and are left with nothing and feel very lost. Whereas others have learned a language and are excited for retirement to spend significant time in that country, or have a group of amazing friends from their local sport/exercise interest, or can develop their love of baking into a cookbook and youtube channel or whatever.

I definitely look back and miss the days when dds were young and we did parks and soft play etc. Or dancing around the lounge to the frozen soundtrack for the millionth time that day.

However now they are 16 and 12, both have different interests. They come to things I've introduced them too and I've tried out things they enjoy (and find myself loving!)

At home we watch TV, films, read, play games, video games (which I am so bad at!), bake, chat or do creative things.

We go to museums, art galleries, gardens, castles, zoos, comicons/conventions, gigs, musicals and shows. We also love a charity shop or Carboot day! We do have times where its like they are little again when we find an empty park or play area far from home!!

I'm very grateful that they want to spend time with me in their teens. Maybe because I was young when I had them I took them to all the things I enjoyed or wanted to do so they experienced my wide and varying range of interests through the years! 🤣

My autistic 14yo likes a lot of personal space. We don't have a large overlap of mutal interest. He's not a get-out-of the house person like me. We're very different.

We're both happy that I can get out of the house and do stuff and not automatically have to lug him out to do it.

But I love him and I'm enjoying this stage. When he comes to me, it's precious. It's quality not quantity. He's taller than me now and I like to remind him embarrasingly that he's still my wickle baby and he'll still be my wickle baby when he's 6ft tall (It avenges the patronising staring down over my head!)

I used to teach and I still do a lot of volunteering with youth groups. I've always seen childhood as a transition from babies to adults and a parent's job is to guide them through that with love. It's never meant to stay static or dependent (unless additional needs are involved, and that's something that additional needs parents often find grinding) Helicoptering and holding children back doesn't help them to blossom.

As much as I give to my DCs, I've also kept some of myself. That's had to adapt for practical reasons, but I'm still a complete person and that's of benefit to the DCs, both in the present where we share a hobby and it makes me more interesting as a person rather than being their service human, and long term when they go to live independently, they can have their full life, and I'll still have a full life too. Hopefully with mutual space for each other! But we'll be wanting to do that rather than it being about duty and filling a void.