How do I cope with this!?

[Shutball]

So I decided to end my marriage about 4 months ago and I got a call today to tell me he has took them on a day out with another woman. How can you possibly go from a long term relationship and then go into another one straight away!

Well he would probably be hurt which is why I wouldn’t rub it in his face. I am focusing on the kids however he has just called me to see if I want anything from the Chinese and I said no pick it up and go back to your house until the kids are ready to come back home. I won’t move on if he is constantly there

Completely agree. He didn’t need to tell me how good the sex was, was obviously said to get a reaction.

These poor kids. Parents have split up. Dad has new woman (with child - a further rival for his affections) and mum is knobbing randoms on her 'night off'.

That makes sense. It feels like you're both finding it hard to move on, in different ways and best that there are as few grey areas and blurred boundaries as possible.

Jesus Christ I have had sex twice shoot me.

I think mum has a right to do what she likes on her night off!

I do indeed! I have been faithful in my relationship for almost 20 years I am not hurting anybody!

when he collects them he hangs around for ages and it just isn’t helping either of us, plus I’m sure his girlfriend wouldn’t be happy with that.

In a thread where imo there are some things to be challenged, the two comments made here are feckin uncalled for

I understand how you feel OP. It's always alarmed me that people can enter into a new relationship so soon. IME, it is mostly men that do this so quickly, but not always.
Take care of yourself

I hope this gives you some peace. There's noting worse than second guessing yourself.

You're right, I think. It's not helpful.

And if you are looking to mess with his head just a little, it feels like being proactive with boundaries and not enabling him to hang where he wants, will teach him a new found respect for you.

It’s what is best for everybody, we have all been through a lot. He doesn’t need to be walking around the house asking who bought those flowers. I don’t even know where he lives! This is my home and my space.

He was in a bad marriage and his wife told him she wanted a divorce.

Both of them moved on immediately.

The only difference is he decided to stay with his sexual partner.

I don't see what he was supposed to hang around waiting for?

It’s not really the relationship I’m bothered about. It’s the kids and the fact that he doesn’t need to go into all the bloody details

Why on earth would he want to come round here with the kids and eat Chinese?

It reads as though whatever unhappy dance your relationship was leading that caused you to want to split up is still going on in a slightly new form. You’re still being disappointed by his choices and emotionally impacted that he’s not considering you the way you want to considered. If that’s what split you up then it was only ever going to get more not less after the split.

You left the relationship. You need to grey rock and focus on the best co parenting possible for your children. The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own. Never tell or show him how you feel. Notice how you feel when his behaviour upsets you and then forget it. What’s happening at the moment is a recipe for your children to be burdened in some way with your emotional projections. Who cares why he does what he does (and remember someone who’s been in a two decade long relationship instinctively knows how to press emotional buttons even if they’re not doing it consciously). Add to that that hurt people hurt. If he didn’t want to split up then I would expect him to want another relationship PDQ and also to have learnt and not make the same mistakes the next time round. People who lurch from relationship to relationship making the same mistakes are often the ones who leave and instigate the breakup and don’t feel they’ve made any mistakes to correct.

It is so difficult when you move to a co- parenting relationship that you lose any control over how they parent in your absence. I suspect a lot of women stay in unsatisfactory but not terrible relationships to avoid that. The number of my parents’ friends that split once the kids left home was extraordinary.

I get the impresssion your kids are young. Sorry if I missed a post where you have said their ages. If they are you’re in this till the youngest is 20 at least. You can do. You just need to stop trying to control anything other than your own behaviour and actions.

Perhaps the kids wanted him to?

When I split up with my ex, the first Christmas was the hardest for us all.

We tried to do a few little things like that together, to make it a bit easier on them.

I don’t agree. He can’t come into my house asking who bought me flowers, where are those shoes from when I don’t even know where he lives. It’s not fair

And if you two are going to co-parent, there will probably be other things you'll end up doing for the sake of the kids like parents evenings/birthday parties etc.

I deserve my privacy too. If I am going to move on it’s not a good idea for him to be coming round for hours and I can never get him to leave.

Ok no probs, just tell him you don't want him in the house if he's going to question these things.

He'll either pack it in for the kid's sake, or drop them off at the door.

I am absolutely fine with that. It’s all just a bit raw at the minute for us all. I’m trying to do what is best

Tell him not to then?

Do you both own the house?

Yes but for now I am staying here. We have been here so many times, last time he told me liked the same woman and I stupidly begged for him back. We didn’t tell the kids last time as I wasnt 100% and thought he would change. He doesn’t want the family life, he was out most days of the week