How do I cope with this!?

[Shutball]

So I decided to end my marriage about 4 months ago and I got a call today to tell me he has took them on a day out with another woman. How can you possibly go from a long term relationship and then go into another one straight away!

You are really struggling to accept that he is doing things differently from you aren’t you? For your sake and DC sake, you need to come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have to dance to your tune.

You decided to have a few random bunk ups but he decided to have a full relationship. You would discuss with him before introducing DC to new friends (so you say) but he hasn’t. If DC are young enough to visit Santa, they have probably just been introduced to daddy’s friend.

Do you consider yourself banned from making new friends and introducing them to DC? Of course you don’t because it’s batshit, especially four months down the line.

You can’t control this so stop trying, you will tie yourself in knots, make yourself ill and look foolish. Taking his DC to see Santa. Yeah, what a cunt 😂

He clearly lacks emotional intelligence.

I have dated fairly prolifically over the years and many, many men will happily bumble along from one relationship to another, trailing their unprocessed emotional baggage with them.
Being on their own is more painful than each new relationship not working out.

Yes you’re right. Time to give myself a bloody shake!

Why did you leave him?

This is what you NEED to focus on.

The kids didn't ask for you two to get married.
The kids didn't ask to be born.
The kids didn't ask for you to tell their dad to leave.

If the kids seemed to really enjoy it, you should be happy for them!

They've been through a hell of a lot, so any happiness they can grab (especially the first Christmas with separated parents) should be welcomed.

I'm not saying it's easy btw, but you need to shift your focus off your own feelings.

That’s the spirit! That four months will have flown by for you, but will feel so much longer to the DC.

I have been a child who had a step mother, been a step mother myself, and now my own DC have a stepmother, so I have experienced various angles.

Your priority has to be are the kids OK? They probably aren’t remotely interested in daddy’s new friend at this point, but if they see you kicking off about it they may become unsettled.

Been in a very similar situation and of course you're allowed to be cross and hurt. Mine was playing happy families with the in-laws six weeks into a new relationship six weeks after I'd told him I was leaving. Bang went any illusion that the two decades I'd spent as part of the family meant anything. I was very easily replaceable it transpired.

But this is what a lot of men do- heal themselves by just moving on and not dealing with any of the actual issues. Tale as old as time.

The respectful and grown up thing would've been to have told you first, but it also takes guts to have that conversation and he's obviously not up for the trickiness of that.

I'm really sorry he's behaved like this, but at the end of the day as long as your kids are ok anything is bearable. But it is still hurtful and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid.

I don't think from the posts I have seen on MN, that it's unusual for a man, to move on very quickly after a divorce/separation. Whereas, I think women tend to be a little more cautious, and that may be more to do with the fact we are normally the primary carers. I think it's hard on your children, that your ex has moved on after 4 months. However, as you're separated, and it was your decision to end the relationship, you can't say too much. Ultimately, it's none of your business. Yes, it may have been nice for him to have told you, but he didn't and doesn't actually have to.

Yes absolutely the kids come first. Who gives a shit what he is doing I ended it it’s non of my business. I just wouldn’t act the way he has but hardly surprising really hence why I got out of the relationship. He has always been very selfish

Op in the kindest way you wanted to end it you did he obviously agreed to it and moved on.
He moved on quickly but nothing you can do about it.
You got what you wanted its over hes free to go do what he wants same as you.

I think deep down part of me wanted him to change and realise what he had lost. I couldn’t bare the thought of him touching me though and asked him to stop slapping my arse every time I bent down. He spent too much time away from the home and I felt like a single parent anyway. I just have to accept that it will take me a while to get over it but being bitter won’t help. Smile and wave

Men move on fast - and what do they need to wait for? Life is short and we are all getting older (and possibly less attractive).

I would also question what type of woman thinks it's acceptable to encroach on children's quality time with an absent parent. Surely anyone with any sense/empathy would tell the partner that it's too soon for me to meet your kids and I won't come on a day out during your contact time as that's their time?

You ended it with him?? It’s none of your business!

As others have said, you can't really control it. You ended it, he's moved on. You don't have to like his decisions but there is very little you can do about it so for your own sanity, move on and try and forget about it. You'll just end up hurting yourself and he won't give a shit.

He didn't put you or the DC first when you were together. Why would you expect anything different now you are apart?

It's a shit way for him to parent.

My ex took my children to soft play and "happened" to meet the woman he was having an affair with. They spent time there together and then I found out the day after....!

Buggas aren’t they

Hi, do you think you want him back or is it just the shock of him being with someone else? It’s completely normal to feel the way you do by the way.. even if you don’t want him anymore. If you think you want him back then you need a game plan.. marriage isn’t easy, especially when children are involved.. sometimes people break up and figure out it’s not what they want at all.
I really think he’s probably enjoying the upset he’s provoked in you.. wouldn’t we all!? You need to figure out exactly what you want..

Ah ok, sorry just read this.. ok, so that’s not good if you didn’t like him touching you.. hold on to that when you feel upset/hurt he’s moved on..

He doesn’t answer to you. The plus side of this is you can’t answer to him.

You cope by being there for your dc, never putting them between you and him, and not bad mouthing him. Trust they will see the truth and focus on being their constant source of stability, safety and love.

I don’t want him back, It was just the shock. I would never go back now anyway after him telling me has slept with somebody else. Even though I have it’s non of his business.

Most likely because you hurt him

You've had sex with a few blokes and he's had sex with his girlfriend.

That's neither of your business.

You two really need to focus on the kid's happiness.

What do you think he'd say if he knew you've been having sex with other people?