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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner picked a gym class over seeing family

56 replies

ohisthatit · 30/12/2024 19:10

Dp is obsessive about the gym. He has his own fitness classes he runs but they are closed over the festive period. He has been every day bar Christmas Day to other gyms to “network” and see people. Fine. We’ve done nothing together though - not even a walk. We’ve watched some films and stuff but mostly been looking after the kids.

He went this morning to a class for 2 hours. Which is fine by me, I planned to go and see my grandma who I haven’t seen this Christmas. My grandma asked me to ask DP to come over after the gym so I asked him at 2pm. He said he couldn’t because he was tired from this mornings class and wanted to sleep this afternoon because he is going again to another class at 7pm. I said okay and left it there. It would’ve taken him 30 mins to get here, but didn’t want to make him come.

He’s since text me numerous times asking if I’m okay, which I’m not but I’m not having an argument over text and I can’t really say I’m upset because you chose the gym over me.

Aibu? I get if it’s his classes but we rarely get time together and he’s chosen to sleep and not see my family when I have seen his family over this festive period.

OP posts:

Porkyporkchop · 30/12/2024 19:12

You’ll need to tell communicate or nothing will change.

princesspadam · 30/12/2024 19:13

What is he bringing to the table OP

I was fully prepared to say YABU but now I've read your post I think you need to get rid

Tired from a class but then going again later!!!!!

Nah, bye bye

Original poster

ohisthatit · 30/12/2024 19:18

I am really upset. I feel like I make so many sacrifices and efforts. I have given up my annual leave to see his family when needed.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohisthatit · 30/12/2024 19:19

princesspadam · 30/12/2024 19:13

What is he bringing to the table OP

I was fully prepared to say YABU but now I've read your post I think you need to get rid

Tired from a class but then going again later!!!!!

Nah, bye bye

Exactly, I wouldn’t be that hurt if he was just tired but he’s just trying to get some rest in before going again? Ridiculous.

OP posts:

cherish123 · 30/12/2024 19:20

Seems obsessive but it wasn't his family? Wasn't it your grandma (maybe I read incorrectly).

itsmylife7 · 30/12/2024 19:23

ohisthatit · 30/12/2024 19:18

I am really upset. I feel like I make so many sacrifices and efforts. I have given up my annual leave to see his family when needed.

You've answered your own question OP.

Ask yourself WHY am I doing all this ?

princesspadam · 30/12/2024 19:24

cherish123 · 30/12/2024 19:20

Seems obsessive but it wasn't his family? Wasn't it your grandma (maybe I read incorrectly).

That's a ridiculous answer
Just because it's your partners family, doesn't mean you prioritise yourself all the time
A relationship is a bit of give & take

Rainbowdottie · 30/12/2024 19:25

I think getting the hump but not communicating when asked is a bit of pointless task if I'm honest. Sure you'll probably have a row about it, which I guess you're trying to avoid (?), but it's seems a waste of time and energy to sit on it and not address it.

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2024 19:26

Don't tell him it's ok when it's not, especially if you're then huffy about it

Better to tell him in advance that you're invited to X and would like him to join you

BigSilly · 30/12/2024 19:31

Does he work in the fitness injury like a OT or something where he needs to always be looking for clients?
I don't understand really why he has to visit your grandma?

Cuppaand2biscuits · 30/12/2024 19:38

Many people really need the routine of exercise for their mental health, for lots of people just being in the house with no purpose makes them feel really shit.
He obviously didn't want to visit your grandma, so had already made his excuses.
I think that's fair enough, it's not like he backed out of something that was pre arranged.
However, if you're the one left looking after the kids all the time while he skips about at the gym then that's a different matter and you need to tell him you'd like some free time or some family time with him joining too.

AgnesX · 30/12/2024 19:46

A few posters here who are either selfish or can't read.

He's been to the gym every day at least once, if not twice, he's not running his own classes, he's expected that you to see his family whenever but has made no effort to make time to join you.

Is he always this self centred?

avaritablevampire · 30/12/2024 19:53

He didn't want to see your grandmother in his free time. Is he selfish with his time? Do you enjoy seeing his family? If not, don't. He can't take the hump if he's not prepared to see yours. Quite often dh would visit his dm, and I'd use the time to get jobs done at home, ditto when I was visiting my family dh would enjoy a break from the kids and some quiet time. I would see his mum every couple of months and his wider family once a year, he'd do the same with my mum and wider family.
I think if you have young children and both work, then it's a bit of a treat to have the house to yourself for an afternoon...but it has to work both ways, and more importantly you both have to be agreeable to it!
If you aren't happy with it, then you need to communicate with each and agree to mutual expectations.

Bambooozle · 30/12/2024 19:57

Cuppaand2biscuits · 30/12/2024 19:38

This. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to see your partner's family. But you need equal free time to him, and also some decent time when you are both together with the kids. If these classes are getting in the way of that then I'd be pissed off, but visits to someone else's grandma is not the hill I'd die on.

Endofyear · 30/12/2024 22:08

You're right to not have an argument via text. Enjoy your visit with your Grandma and wait until you can sit DP down and have a conversation face to face. His obsession with the gym is taking him away from family life to an unreasonable extent. He needs to rebalance his priorities as he's not being fair to you.

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/12/2024 22:28

He sounds boring as hell

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · 05/01/2025 09:27

Whilst I do think it's shitty behaviour and if he was training only, I'd be saying it was disordered training and he needed to pull away from it a bit. But as you say he runs some classes, this is his job and this will be how he gets more custom. Unfortunately, it is a necessity. We don't know what that 7pm class was and if it was a couldn't miss type of class and had he known earlier in the day, he would have skipped the other to be there.

Essentially, this is work and sometimes family time is missed for work.

How has it been since?

jeaux90 · 05/01/2025 09:30

Do you get the same time for your stuff OP? Does he do equal parenting/chores?

MummaMummaMumma · 05/01/2025 09:52

Not seeing your grandma, well its YOUR grandma. That's your choice to see her.
But, if he hasn't spent any quality time or done anything special with his kids and wife.over Christmas, that would be a huge problem for me.

IsawwhatIsaw · 05/01/2025 10:02

Ok to go to the gym. But sounds like he chooses to give this priority over spending time with his family, and is using it to basically check out of family life.
Sorry to add, but are you sure he’s actually going to the gym?

BuildbyNumbere · 05/01/2025 10:02

and I can’t really say I’m upset because you chose the gym over me.

Why can’t you say that????

catatonique · 05/01/2025 10:02

is he using steroids?

Crikeyme · 05/01/2025 10:08

Maybe it’s because my husband and I both get on really well with our respective in-laws, but I don’t think it matters whose grandma it is - someone who clearly thinks a lot of him has asked if he can come and see her, and he’s decided his exercise regime takes priority. Presumably if he’s really that tired, he’d say the same if it was his own grandma, or any other relative he hasn’t seen for a long time. He sounds like his needs and preferences take precedence over family life in all its aspects, if you haven’t done anything except basic childcare together in two weeks, despite him not having his scheduled sessions to lead. If he’s got a client base already, the one time he doesn’t have to worry about networking is New Year, when everyone wants to start a fitness regime - none of his clients are going anywhere. He sounds like a selfish nightmare, if he can’t see beyond his own schedule. You need to confront him, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, because this isn’t going to change if he doesn’t have it pointed out to him, and you and your kids deserve someone who takes an interest in you.

MILLYmo0se · 05/01/2025 10:17

I think you are muddying the waters with the comments about gym visits and not seeing your GM. It is fine for him to go to the gym, and fine to not want to travel to see a partners grandparent. The problem is that he does not want to do anything with you, at all, ever. THAT'S what you need to focus on in a conversation with him, if you start going on about gyms etc he will turn it to you being ridiculous over not wanting him to leave the house, if you want change you need to be v clear and to the point about what is making you unhappy.

KezzaMucklowe · 05/01/2025 10:19

I don't get on with some of my in laws but I still ho and see them. Admittedly not that often but at Christmas I make the effort.
I can't imagine thinking they're not my family so I won't bother.
Luckily DP is the same as me and we are compatible in that way.
It sounds like he doesn't make the effort at all though.
In any shape or form.
It's ok to accept differences in opinion and perspectives but when you're getting absolutely nothing back from your partner you have to fix that.
Do you think he will listen if you talk to him ?

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