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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner picked a gym class over seeing family

56 replies

ohisthatit · 30/12/2024 19:10

Dp is obsessive about the gym. He has his own fitness classes he runs but they are closed over the festive period. He has been every day bar Christmas Day to other gyms to “network” and see people. Fine. We’ve done nothing together though - not even a walk. We’ve watched some films and stuff but mostly been looking after the kids.

He went this morning to a class for 2 hours. Which is fine by me, I planned to go and see my grandma who I haven’t seen this Christmas. My grandma asked me to ask DP to come over after the gym so I asked him at 2pm. He said he couldn’t because he was tired from this mornings class and wanted to sleep this afternoon because he is going again to another class at 7pm. I said okay and left it there. It would’ve taken him 30 mins to get here, but didn’t want to make him come.

He’s since text me numerous times asking if I’m okay, which I’m not but I’m not having an argument over text and I can’t really say I’m upset because you chose the gym over me.

Aibu? I get if it’s his classes but we rarely get time together and he’s chosen to sleep and not see my family when I have seen his family over this festive period.

OP posts:
meganorks · 05/01/2025 10:24

Your DP should be balancing out his gym and family commitments. And he IBU not to. However I do have an issue here in that you said OK when he told you his plans and it wasn't. You don't have to have an argument over text but you should have at least spelt out what you were actually thought.
'I really want you to do this one thing today with family. You've prioritised gym all holidays and you've already been today. So please come'.

I don't see the point of a complete pantomime over saying OK but not being, then ignoring texts and calls. Then making him work out what's wrong. So YABU for that.

unmemorableusername · 05/01/2025 10:30

This screams affair.

Quinto · 05/01/2025 10:35

You’re unreasonable for not telling him why you’re upset!

My real question, though, is how long you’ve been together with someone so dull? I mean, he seems to have no life apart from the gym and sleeping.

Sazzerss · 05/01/2025 10:43

What exactly is the point of him?

PromoJoJo · 05/01/2025 10:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

ehb102 · 05/01/2025 10:48

It's either an affair or an unhealthy obsession such as orthorexia. Neither one are something you have to put up with.

Quinto · 05/01/2025 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

Yes, it would be on mine, too — my real issue would be with being in a relationship with someone who appears to live only for the gym.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/01/2025 11:45

It makes sense in business terms that he's at the gym so much just when there's a huge surge in the number of people likely to sign up and pay for things.

Does it help in any way to reframe it as he's prioritising work to bring money in over the next couple of months?

saraclara · 05/01/2025 11:49

Don't go silent. Just say "no, I'm not okay, but I'm not discussing this over texts. We'll talk later"

saraclara · 05/01/2025 11:53

I don’t think it matters whose grandma it is - someone who clearly thinks a lot of him has asked if he can come and see her, and he’s decided his exercise regime takes priority.

That. Assuming that grandma is a decent person, then why not? And since he's not bothered with his own immediate family either, preferring the gym, I don't think the 'well it's not his grandma' justification applies.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/01/2025 12:15

Doesn’t matter whose grandma it is - yours or his, he should have gone to see her. But then some people on mumsnet can be weird about elderly relatives - like they don’t see them as having a propose and think the elderly are entitled and an imposition on the busy young if they want you to visit them.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/01/2025 12:16

Quinto · 05/01/2025 10:48

Yes, it would be on mine, too — my real issue would be with being in a relationship with someone who appears to live only for the gym.

Show quote history

@Quinto
@PromoJoJo

why do low on your priority list? Your husbands wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for their grandmothers would they?

Hankunamatata · 05/01/2025 12:20

Is his job a fitness instructor?

2Rebecca · 05/01/2025 12:34

He sounds boring but I think your grandmother was unreasonable demanding a visit from your boyfriend/ partner. He's not her relative. I wouldn't demand any of our adult children bring their partners to visit us.
I think the 2 of you need to find some things to do together other than the gym and visiting relatives. The networking in other gyms thing sounds weird but it sounds as though he's trying to build a business as a personal trainer so is the gym more business than hobby? Who looks after his/ your children when he's at the gym? Do you live together as you seem to be texting each other not speaking.

saraclara · 05/01/2025 12:36

2Rebecca · 05/01/2025 12:34

He sounds boring but I think your grandmother was unreasonable demanding a visit from your boyfriend/ partner. He's not her relative. I wouldn't demand any of our adult children bring their partners to visit us.
I think the 2 of you need to find some things to do together other than the gym and visiting relatives. The networking in other gyms thing sounds weird but it sounds as though he's trying to build a business as a personal trainer so is the gym more business than hobby? Who looks after his/ your children when he's at the gym? Do you live together as you seem to be texting each other not speaking.

She didn't demand anything. She asked, and I think it's rather nice that she likes her grandson in law and enjoys his company, don't you?

2Rebecca · 05/01/2025 12:39

I think that if a relative's partner/ boyfriend hasn't come to see you and your relative has come alone it IS demanding to then ask the relative to chase them up and ask them over. If he'd wanted to visit he'd have gone with his partner. If my husband visits his parents without me I don't expect a phone call asking me to go over there. If I'd wanted to be there I would be there.

Quinto · 05/01/2025 12:51

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/01/2025 12:16

@Quinto
@PromoJoJo

why do low on your priority list? Your husbands wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for their grandmothers would they?

Show quote history

No, but while I was reasonably fond in a distant way of DH’s grandmother when she was alive, I’d have been unlikely to go out of my way or change my plans to see her. I married a man, not his family. (Of whom, again, I’m quite fond, but not close to.)

Quinto · 05/01/2025 12:53

2Rebecca · 05/01/2025 12:39

I think that if a relative's partner/ boyfriend hasn't come to see you and your relative has come alone it IS demanding to then ask the relative to chase them up and ask them over. If he'd wanted to visit he'd have gone with his partner. If my husband visits his parents without me I don't expect a phone call asking me to go over there. If I'd wanted to be there I would be there.

It think that’s fair. It also sounds like a long, open-ended visit, if the OP went to see her grandmother during her DP’s morning gym visit, and was still planning to be there at 2 and stay after that either the DP.

eightIsNewNine · 05/01/2025 13:07

YANBU

This isn't about one grandma visit, it is about the overall setup of free time, expectations and him preferring the gym over you.

I don't think that asking him to join later for a shorter visit was too much either, the older relatives often enjoy seeing that their GC has a nice partner.

OurDreamLife · 05/01/2025 13:09

He sounds self absorbed and selfish.

saraclara · 05/01/2025 13:17

2Rebecca · 05/01/2025 12:39

I think that if a relative's partner/ boyfriend hasn't come to see you and your relative has come alone it IS demanding to then ask the relative to chase them up and ask them over. If he'd wanted to visit he'd have gone with his partner. If my husband visits his parents without me I don't expect a phone call asking me to go over there. If I'd wanted to be there I would be there.

It's still not a demand. It's a request.

I hate the way that requests and invitations are always turned into demands on Mumsnet. Especially if it's an in-law asking.

Gall10 · 05/01/2025 13:21

Sorry I haven’t read through all the replies….but is he really going to the gymn? Maybe there’s another reason why he’s tired!

jannier · 05/01/2025 13:26

So when does he do anything with you and the kids? I wouldn't put up with that shit is there a woman or does he get off on showing his body? But regardless no that's not balanced

jannier · 05/01/2025 13:28

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/01/2025 11:45

It makes sense in business terms that he's at the gym so much just when there's a huge surge in the number of people likely to sign up and pay for things.

Does it help in any way to reframe it as he's prioritising work to bring money in over the next couple of months?

But it's not his gym he's been going to

EuclidianGeometryFan · 05/01/2025 14:05

MILLYmo0se · 05/01/2025 10:17

I think you are muddying the waters with the comments about gym visits and not seeing your GM. It is fine for him to go to the gym, and fine to not want to travel to see a partners grandparent. The problem is that he does not want to do anything with you, at all, ever. THAT'S what you need to focus on in a conversation with him, if you start going on about gyms etc he will turn it to you being ridiculous over not wanting him to leave the house, if you want change you need to be v clear and to the point about what is making you unhappy.

This.
It is not about the gym - you would be equally unhappy if he spent all this time at the pub or doing any other hobby.
The issue is that he is not spending enough time with you and the children. He is behaving as if he didn't have a family.

What is the point of being with him?
Does he bring in a lot of money? Does he do his fair share of housework and minding the children? Would it make much difference if he no longer lived with you?
Have a good honest talk with him, don't be afraid of it descending into a big argument - you have to tell him what you are thinking and feeling.

Then afterwards, think carefully about his reaction to being challenged - what does he do and say during the discussion / argument? Is it likely that he wants to change?