To not invite BIL

[nomorepanicattacks]

We will be having a family christening in the spring and inviting anyone who travels for it to a get together at our house the evening before. Last family event ended with BIL being verbally abusive and incredibly insulting to me and bad mouthing me to the rest of the family. He has a history of this behaviour with all members of his family and they always appease him and welcome him back at a later date. He crossed a line with me and I do not want to invite him to my house. He will come to the christening which is fine as he is still part of the family and it is on neutral ground. DH wants to invite him to our home for the get together as he wants harmony with him.. the thought of having him in my house again makes me feel sick and will stress me out no end... After the last event, DH also said he would not be inviting him back. He has now changed his mind. No compromise possible as it is an invite or not invite situation. Should I give in and go along with the invite? The insults and verbal abuse at the time were unfounded......the whole family agrees on that

Arsehole wouldn't be setting foot in my house and I would expect DH to back me up on that.
If he is invited to the Christening though I bet he will end up at your house

Until his actions have consequences why would he change or even apologise ? You refusing to have in your house because he cant even be civil is not at all unreasonable.
Your DH thinking he should be free to behave towards you like that without consequences is a problem. Your home is your sanctuary and guests who don't treat both of you with appropriate respect should not be welcome. Your DH is letting you down.

No I wouldn't invite him to your home, I also wouldn't be inviting him to your child's christening. Your DH should absolutely back you up. Does he think you should just forget about how his brother behaved towards you?

I wouldn't have him at either. After that behaviour, he'd have more chance of growing wings and flying to the moon than crossing my doorstep. If everyone else wants to pander to the prick, so be it. They can entertain him at their houses.

Right. So this person aggressively verbally assaulted you, being very rude, insulting and defamatory. Should you invite him to your house, potentially ruining, and definitely making very anxious for you, a very precious day in which you celebrate your children. Um, hard no, from me. Should you even be asked in any possible way, to do so? Another hard no, from me.

Would you ask the same of your DH, if the positions were reversed? Would he feel it reasonable, if you did? I'm hoping the answers to those questions are no, as well!

I'd suggest that your children's christening, when you are already under a degree of stress and pressure, and where you are ill placed to contend with your bil's antics, is neither the time, nor the place, to give your bil the opportunity to prove that he can and will behave better in the future.

I feel for you OP.

We've just a similar situation with my BIL....verbal abuse not towards us but towards my SIL.

We spent so long deciding what to do re Christmas and got extremely stressed. I expect he wasn't even n the slightest.

DH texted his sis and told he wasn't welcome. End of. So liberating,

Absolutely not welcome. You should be able to feel safe in your own home. And your DH should back you up on that. Tell your DH that you will be busy enough and do not need that added stress of 'will he/won't he'. Remind your DH of the other times he has kicked off and ruined events.

Good luck OP

You've drawn the line, stick to it. He doesn't come to your home due to his past behaviour.
Actions have consequences.
Be civil and polite at the Christening. If he starts abusing you again, he will be embarrassing himself and his own family.

@nomorepanicattacks I would stand firm on this one!!! I absolutely hate backtrackers so I would also be having words with "d" h! he has to be on your side, not bil's!

Does your husband realise he's sending a very loud message which is that it's OK for you, his wife, to be treated badly and to be left feeling upset, because he'd rather keep the peace with BIL?

Why do you matter less? Why is your husband determined to make your feelings less important than his brother's?

I would say don't invite him. But you say BIL? Are there any other ramifications re: sister and kids also not attending?? If it's just hubby's brother and no other impact to consider I think it's quite clear cut...I would put my foot down...you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable and abused in your own home 👌. Good luck OP 🍀🤞

I wouldn’t invite him to the christening either.
If your husband wants him to be invited the night before the. I’d change it to a venue so he’s not in your home.

I would also stick to my guns and not invite him. If any comments are made by any relatives about him not being there, just bluntly state that he crossed your boundaries, but you're still happy to see him on neutral ground. I doubt anyone would have an issue with that though based on what you've said he is like.

I would 100% not invite him! Or the christening don't let abusive people ruin your life, you are clearly a very forgiving person for even questioning it! I'm the same!! Don't do it!

Not a chance in hell that he’d be welcome in my house after that. And I’d fully expect DH to be on the same page about that - or at the very least support me in that if that’s how I felt.

My own brother is a toxic, abusive person and the minute I left home I cut him off. I’ve seen him 3 times in 15 years - all at family funerals. He met my DS once at a family funeral when DS was 2. He wasn’t invited to my wedding.

Life is too short to deal with people like that - or stress over dealing with them for that matter. Say no and let it go!

This

Nobody who is abusive towards me sets foorlt in my home, end of. Tell your DH he can have "harmony" with his brother or harmony with his wife. Put your foot down.

I feel for you, of course I wouldn’t want them either, but sometimes family gatherings have a habit of allowing people back in when you would have dropped your friends for doing the same. Families don’t often have the same consequences as friends as a whole.

Choose his invitation level, and if it is to come I would address how you will act with this person. A curt nod and ignore him / walk away if he comes near to cement your dissatisfaction. When photos are being taken forget to call him over, maybe have them done when he has gone to the bathroom etc? And / or ask your DH to stipulate rules and if any repeat he has to leave etc as this is your day.

Discuss with DH if he has to come how you will only accept if the following is met.

matter neutralnground is easier than you own home. If he is unreliable hide anything nice and breakable etc.

Harmony? Your husband must be mad! You need to talk to him and get a better answer than that. Is it his brother?

Very disrespectful to put you in that position. No way would I want him in the house.

Don't invite him to any of it. If you do, you are validating his behaviour and he will assume he's been given a free pass to be a tw*at at family occasions because you will put up with it. He needs some reflection time. Banishment and boundaries for a time should help with this. This occasion is to celebrate your child, not worry about a grown up who can't behave properly.

You need to nip this in the bus now, or you'll forever be subject to that abusive man's ranting. People like him have spent their life behaving like animals & habitually being forgiven because 'family'. Said family then start accepting it as normal so the abuser escalates as they've literally been given a mandate to behave that way. Stop enabling & excusing him. Once one person does it, others tend to follow.

If you tolerate this then your children will be next

He's a bulky, and has abused you verbally before I'd be sticking firmly with not inviting him, and wouldn't have him at the christening either. I'd also be seriously thinking about whether, by backing him, your "DH" isn't also a bit of an arsehole. Pair of pricks if you ask me

He's a bully...

No, that’s totally unreasonable for your OH to expect you to be ok with BIL attending after how he spoke to you & created a massive rift the last time. That’s on BIL, not you!! I personally wouldn’t have even invited him to the church, he would have been completely cut off if he had done that to me. You need to create clear boundaries with your OH & tell him the BIL is NOT welcome at your child’s christening & certainly not welcome in your home. The fact you’re already getting anxious & stressed about it shows that you carry a lot of trauma inflicted by the BIL. He sounds like a complete narc. If OH doesn’t like the boundaries you’ve put in place, tell him he’s free to go & stay at his BIL’s home for the day if that’s where his priorities lay. BIL will just keep upsetting & disrespecting you if he’s not put in his place!