To not invite BIL

[nomorepanicattacks]

We will be having a family christening in the spring and inviting anyone who travels for it to a get together at our house the evening before. Last family event ended with BIL being verbally abusive and incredibly insulting to me and bad mouthing me to the rest of the family. He has a history of this behaviour with all members of his family and they always appease him and welcome him back at a later date. He crossed a line with me and I do not want to invite him to my house. He will come to the christening which is fine as he is still part of the family and it is on neutral ground. DH wants to invite him to our home for the get together as he wants harmony with him.. the thought of having him in my house again makes me feel sick and will stress me out no end... After the last event, DH also said he would not be inviting him back. He has now changed his mind. No compromise possible as it is an invite or not invite situation. Should I give in and go along with the invite? The insults and verbal abuse at the time were unfounded......the whole family agrees on that

Since we went with appeasement for an in law for twenty years before drawing the NC boundary as I can say is this situation is lose lose for everyone. Good luck OP your BIL sounds like a nightmare. Families often operate to hide dysfunctional behaviour as their first way of dealing with it but largely that becomes untenable at some stage.

Don’t invite him to any of it.

If he turns up at the church so be it, but absolutely do not allow him into your home. I would expect DH’s backing on this.

It is worth offering a chance for him to apologise. Get your DH to speak to him and suggest a coffee with the three of you at a neutral location. I think if you are just christening a baby your family is young and this is going to come up time and time again. See if you can clear the air and if not at least your hubby will see you tried and hopefully then be more resilient in backing you in future.

Just say NO. If DH insists, threaten to call the whole thing off. Behaviour like that can't be condoned.

No, stand firm ! He’s burnt his bridges . I wouldn’t even speak to him again never mind let him in my home .

If you don't invite him to your house (not saying you should) is there a chance he will kick off at the christening itself?

Your DH is a husband and father now. He needs to prioritise his family not an abusive brother who can't control his mouth. It's no consolation to you that he does it to everyone else; you will not tolerate the abuse, and why should you, even if the others will. Your DH can meet his DB away from the home if he wants to see him. I'd not even invite him to the christening.

This is a difficult one OP - both have crap consequences but I think you need to think of yourself and your DD. Your home is your safe space - you should only invite people into it that you feel safe with and that won’t verbally abuse you. I wouldn’t invite him but I would explain to him/ the relevant parents/ partner why.

If someone else not related to you was abusive to you in your home you wouldn’t invite them back, just because he is family doesn’t give him a pass. No way would I invite him back

Has he even apologised?

Absolutely no way he would be invited to any occasion of mine again!

So he cares more for harmony with someone else than you? Fuck that for a marriage.

When everyone appeases people like this they never change, when one person takes a stand more people feel they can too. Tell you husband to stand up for the person he promised to love and honour.

It's hard as all senarios will upset someone, either him, or you and your family.
Inviting him to the christening would be a suitable compromise as that's a family thing and he can be a part of that as it's about your little one. The get together in your home afterwards is more for you, so I wouldn't invite him to that after his previous behaviour. This may prompt an apology or discussion about what happened though.

Why on earth does he get to be included in the christening? Madness

Exactly if he can't behave like a normal human being then he forfeits any invites to anything you have going on.
I wouldn't have him at the christening either.

Tell your dh your respect for him as dropped slightly... Ask him why he cares more about keeping up appearances than your feelings..
Or tell him he can organise a new venue as bil simply isn't crossing your door...

I assume this is BIL as in your DHs brother rather than the DH of a sister?
If so then I think yanbu and it wouldn't be at all appropriate for him to come. If he's the DH of a sister I would try to talk to the relevant sister about how best to manage.

No he wouldn’t be stepping foot inside my house ever again, and 8n fact he wouldn’t be invited to the christening. OK he could come anyway as it’s 8na church, but if there was a do after he wouldn’t be invited to that

I would also be very upset with my DH here, how dare he allow his wife to be insulted in this way and then expect you to suck it up ‘for harmony’

If DH insisted I would be cancelling any event the night before or if he insists it goes ahead would be going to visit friends and leave him to cope with it all.

this is, for me, one of those situations where both of you have to say "yes"

Your DH wants him in his house, but it is also your house and you don't. Do you think there is any chance, OP, that he could attend if your DH promises to kick him out if he performs again?

Or would you be prepared to take a very firm line if he were allowed to come, would you be able to stand in front of him and tell him to leave?

You already know his character. How he behaves. Everyone agreed his behaviour was very wrong.

You cannot placate a person like this. They don't behave normally, so they won't react how you want them to just because you ask them...Or they wouldn't be like that in the first place.

From what you've said, He's never apologised for his behaviour. He repeats it.
If you ask someone who behaves like him just to the Christening. He will resent it. He will display his resentment. How do you think he is likely to display this as he watches everyone else making their way to the party?

Is he so religious that he will appreciate the solemnity of a Christening? Is he so well disposed towards you OP, the person he's happy to verbally abuse, that he will enjoy the event and be happy for you?

He is not someone who likes or respects you or even wishes you and yours well. WHY would you want him there?
To keep others in the family happy? How will his unpleasant presence achieve that. It will just make you resent the others you've kept happy.
Why is their "happiness" more important than your own? I think their "happiness" is more relief that they don't have to be in the firing line from BIL, that they don't have to be the ones standing up to him. That while he's picking on you, he's not picking on them!!!

You only get one chance to christen your newborn. Its a joyful time, and the people attending should be those who love you and your new baby and want to welcome them into the family. I don't think your BIL fits that description. Don't give him a chance to ruin a key moment in your lives. And you should have no guilt whatsoever about this.

Keep saying NO and take the flak that goes with it.
The push back you get will be from people who don't have the guts to push back with BIL.
Any flak you get will be mild compared to your own upset if he wrecks everything and the stress you will be undergoing in the run up to it, imagining what he could do.

If you want to offer an olive branch say that you will happily be civil to him at the next family gathering ( not at your house) and leave it at that.

Explain to him that if he acts like he did last time at your house that it will be an immediate ejection from the property. The minute he steps a foot wrong, follow through.

He wouldn't be invited to the christening or set foot in my home but my husband would oversee that as he has my back.

Your husband is disrespectful and is siding with his brother over you.

I'm assuming there have been no abject apologies and grovelling so it would be a hard No from me too.

DH needs to get some self respect and stop enabling this abuse and he definitely needs to learn to have some respect for you and his own family.

You could deliberately schedule it for dates you know they will be on holiday for as a way around it but to be honest it sounds like taking a stand would be better.