Is this normal feeling or should I be seeking help?

[Misll]

I don’t know where to turn. In short I am a single parent to a 2.5 year old, his dad sees him frequently but I do 90% of care in the week. It’s just how it is. His work is shift based and mine is not. I do all nursery runs etc. Ex does help out where he can, it’s not about him.

Im just on my knees. I always feel on the cusp of crying. My job is so intense and although I’m well paid I always feel im clinging on. I feel sick with anxiety most nights about absolutely anything and everything:.. worry ds isn’t ok. Worry I will lose my job. Worry I will get unwell. worry about money if I did lose my job.

Life is a pit of anxiety. Ex and I went away for 3 nights after Xmas for ds to have a break and for me to go and see friends and honestly I feel worse for it. It’s like I have had a glimpse of not being non stop for a bit and I feel so sorry for myself. There’s no real answer here as I don’t want to go part time as I earn good money. Ex can’t do more than he does realistically and he has a good job which does benefit ds (he paid for the short break for example). I’m stuck. And constantly stressed. Is this just toddler life? I feel so deeply unhappy.

Last Christmas I told myself I just needed to get through the year and I did. But the idea of doing it again makes me feel so overwhelmed

Hopeful bump

You need to go to the gp lovely and tell them exactly how you’re feeling. I know it’s not easy talking about it but you sound depressed and just taking a course of anti depressants could help. Being a single mum with not much help and holding down a stressful job isn’t easy, you’re not wrong to be stressed.

@Mrswhatsit40 i am scared to take anything as I don’t know what side effects there could be. I just want to run away from everything. I don’t want to go back to nursery runs and rushing around and being stressed 24/7. I can’t cope with it anymore.

The toddler years before school starts are the hardest IMHO so I'm not surprised you are knackered and stressed doing it without much support, things will gradually start to get easier once DS starts school

Is there any chance you could drop to 4 days work instead of FT?

Side effects can be worrisome but, honestly, they won't be any worse than how you currently feel.

Go see your GP. Tell them your concerns. They will help.

@KevinAndTracy i could but it would be hard to go back up to five. I could manage without the income but it would leave me without a buffer which feels scary as a single parent. I feel so upset I honestly think I might break soon. I want everything and everyone to leave me alone

Is there any kind of formal custody arrangement?

Your ex sounds like he cares.

If you were still together what would he do? Reduced hours at work maybe? Or get off in time for school pick up a couple of nights a week?

Can you talk to him? I think he could do more.

The doctor will discuss side affects with you - you may not suffer from any and taking some meds might really help you - surely it’s worth a try?

Put it this way? If your leg was in pain and you couldn’t walk properly and taking some pills could really help - wouldn’t you take them?

Also, I know you say the problem isn’t your ex but I’d disagree - only helping 10% of the time when you both have FT jobs isn’t acceptable. You need to tell him how much you’re struggling to cope alone. Any decent father would step up and help more.

@Mrswhatsit40 @GreyBlackBay he absolutely wouldn’t change his work. He is very successful though and it doesn’t benefit ds. I understand why he wants to stick with it.

I have told him I am struggling. He has said he would pay for a babysitter once a week for 3 hours so I have some time in the week in an evening. He usually takes over care at the weekend which I like but it’s the week that takes its toll with nursery and juggling everything

*it does benefit ds that should say

I'd be tempted to tell him you can't do it any more so want to move to 50/50 custody.

This is HIS child. What he wants doesn't really matter.

I wouldn't exoect to actually move to 50/50 but either significantly more time and support or dough money to pay for additional care or help that it actually makes a difference to you.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. It does get better but understand you are barely hanging on.

Would he pay for someone to do nursery drop offs/picks ups so you’re not having to rush so much?

It sounds like having to be in two places at once is a large part of the problem so you need to think about how you can manage that. A family I know have a home help who is a part time student who does all drop/offs pickups and looks after the dcs until they get in from work. Just working a few hours a day suits some people, would this be something to consider?

@GreyBlackBay he would have to leave the job he was in though. And that would financially impact ds. At the moment he covers his nursery and more. I feel like I can’t win really. I am so burnt out. I feel genuinely unwell. I think I will go to the GP and go from there. It is so hard working with a toddler.

And I agree entirely with this.

Why should he call the shots when you’re at breaking point?

His big grand job may benefit your dd but having a mother suffering a mental breakdown won’t will it?

@Mrswhatsit40 i did mention this to ex and we both sort of concluded that neither of us wanted ds in a car with someone else. I don’t think I would be comfortable with that. I know I’m making life harder for myself saying that. In 6 months he can move to a closer nursery so it will mean a 5 min walk rather than a 20 minute drive. I just don’t know if I can keep going. I feel broken.

@Mrswhatsit40 true but we would struggle to pay for nursery and things would be stressful in another way if he wasn’t in this job.

Does he pay child maintenence? Have you checked if there are any benefits you would be eligible for?

Full-time work as a single parent would have been too much for me. I did three days and that was a struggle. I suppose it depends how well your child sleeps etc though.

Yes, go to the GP, and take the babysitting offer, for eg Wednesday evenings and just take a book to your local pub or go for a swim/join a nice gym with a sauna etc. Have you a friend would be up for regular meetups? Your life sounds quite lonely in some ways at the moment. If it is, do a class, fitness or otherwise instead of an independent swim etc, or hire a PT.

Review in spring.

@sunshine244 yes. He pays the bare minimum but as he is a high earner it covers all DS’s costs at the moment. He will also sent money if there’s something specific and large ds needs (he had a new bed recently for example).

I just feel so sorry for myself and I know that’s a dangerous route to go down as self pity gets you nowhere. I think I just needed to talk it out. I’m so unhappy.

If there was one thing you could change, what would it be?

completely agree with@Bedecked . Take up the help that is available , rather than looking for a single solution. Small things that will make you feel a bit better are better than nothing.
And keep talking to your ex. Just letting him know how you feel, rather than making demands about custody arrangements. He sounds decent and he will realise that its a problem that is his too and wont go away if neither of you changes anything

@Misll I know it won’t be ideal but could you do any of your hours at home in the evening, and/or condense 5 into 4.5 days so you can get an afternoon off mid-week say? I understand that may not necessarily be workable and you may or may not be able to do longer work periods if you can’t be at home - just trying to be creative. I also appreciate that while you say neither you nor ex wants child in someone else’s car - that’s ok for you to say but not really ok for Ex to say because that means he is controlling you to an extent - he won’t change to do one or two drops or collections but he won’t let you get someone else involved? Definitely take the baby sitting offer!

Go to GP, ask him to help, there are good talking therapies available, there are some medications for anxiety that don't have side effects, and ask him to sign you off for a few weeks to sort through your emotions and feelings.

Do you have any close family and friends you can lean on and tell them how you feel.

The talking therapies though really does help