Is this normal feeling or should I be seeking help?

[Misll]

I don’t know where to turn. In short I am a single parent to a 2.5 year old, his dad sees him frequently but I do 90% of care in the week. It’s just how it is. His work is shift based and mine is not. I do all nursery runs etc. Ex does help out where he can, it’s not about him.

Im just on my knees. I always feel on the cusp of crying. My job is so intense and although I’m well paid I always feel im clinging on. I feel sick with anxiety most nights about absolutely anything and everything:.. worry ds isn’t ok. Worry I will lose my job. Worry I will get unwell. worry about money if I did lose my job.

Life is a pit of anxiety. Ex and I went away for 3 nights after Xmas for ds to have a break and for me to go and see friends and honestly I feel worse for it. It’s like I have had a glimpse of not being non stop for a bit and I feel so sorry for myself. There’s no real answer here as I don’t want to go part time as I earn good money. Ex can’t do more than he does realistically and he has a good job which does benefit ds (he paid for the short break for example). I’m stuck. And constantly stressed. Is this just toddler life? I feel so deeply unhappy.

Or her, a GP can be a her too 😁

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re doing anything wrong.

The toddler stage is just very hard for some people regardless of whether you’re working/not working/working part time, and whether you’re single-parenting/lone-parenting/cohabiting. I was hugely overwhelmed by parenthood at that stage and I was a SAHM with a supportive (and genuinely useful/effective) husband, although I had two quite close together, eldest was high-needs and we were overseas so no friends/family. I can recognise a lot of what you are saying - you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you have no time to just ‘be’ and you’re always needing to be doing something, but there isn’t anything you feel you can change and not just make new problems/things to worry about. This stage does pass - I know you said that to yourself last year and can’t face doing it again, but it’s true. Each day at a time, one foot in front of the other, is the only way. Be kind to yourself - don’t set unrealistic expectations of what needs to be done each day, beyond the bare minimum of care and love for your son. It’s still hard doing school runs and so on, but in general, it is less exhausting in the other ways and you can enjoy time together without the relentlessness of toddler parenting. Grab the babysitting offer with both hands. Get his dad to have him for at least a long weekend (or could he take a week of parental leave/reduced hours so he can do the nursery drop offs) and give yourself a proper break - whatever that looks like for you (go away with a friend, stay home and vegetate, do a hobby you don’t have time for at the moment).

"Side effects can be worrisome but, honestly, they won't be any worse than how you currently feel."

That's not true at all and dangerous advice to give.

You can go to the doctors and try anti depressants or you can just carry on as you are for the next 16 years until ds is grown , the ball is entirely in your court

I don’t think you need pills. I think you need help and need a break. You sound utterly overwhelmed. Your schedule and workload sounds exhausting. The pre-school years are the hardest by miles. My heart goes out to you. Sorry I can’t be of any help, except to recommend you get some support and someone to help lighten the load for you.

Lone parent here.

The early years are really hard, relentless.

What does he do for work that means he can't do more in the week? He's on the scene at least so not sure why he's not doing more. You say he would have to give up working??

I would love to be off work for a month but I only get paid for four weeks a year so it would put me in a worrying situation. I’ve never even had a day off sick since 2015, I just feel I’m not coping, such a failure

You are not a failure, you are tired and overwhelmed. I would see the gp, take meds or just talk things through. You are right in the thick of it now. Give yourself a mental break by not putting yourself down. You are doing the best you can.

Are you generally a perfectionist/high achiever, OP? It sounds like you generally hold yourself to a very high standard, which is usually a good thing but when you’re parenting, especially single-parenting, it can be disastrous. You’re allowed a day off sick - in fact you’re allowed several before you even need a sick note. Don’t push yourself until you have a breakdown - that will be much, much worse than just taking some time off now. You are not a failure, you just need a break and your health is suffering.

As others have suggested see the GP if you can. Other than that, I’d say it’s being single parent to a toddler, which is what you are. You’re doing 90% of the parenting whilst working full time, and you’re en route to burn out. The other suggestion is to tell your ex, and maybe he will do more to support you.

Hi, I'm a single mum in a stressful job and I get it.

I went 4 days a week. I can't afford it, but I frame it as I can't afford NOT to. I have so much catching up to do on that day that it's not exactly a holiday, but it gives me the breathing room I need to not entirely combust. My kid is at school now and I've very much stayed four days. It's only six hours a week "to myself" but it's six hours to put a wash on, go to the post office, catch up on work, whatever.

Have you looked at the impact on your net take home pay if you reduce your hours? - even if temporarily reducing to four days if the new nursery in six months is going to make a difference. You could do this by taking unpaid parental leave, rather than a permanent reduction.

If you're repaying a student loan and higher rate tax, it may not be as much as you think.

Unpaid parental leave: Overview - GOV.UK
ListenToTaxman - UK Tax Calculator Salary Wages PAYE Income Taxes 2023 - 2024

Also, if you see your GP about your stress and anxiety, they may sign you off for a bit anyway, until antidepressants kick in.

In short - while toddlers are hard work, no it’s not normal to feel like this.

Go to your GP, you sound like you have anxiety and depression and are paralysed for any decision making - been there and it’s not good, but you will get better.

Side effects of meds are typically short lived (I had none) but compare to how you feel now, it may still be better.

I’m a bit confused - you said Ex paid for a few days away - with you do you mean? Or he had ds and you went away? As if you went together I wonder if that isn’t helping, you’re half stuck in a relationship with him?

I remember just wanting to do nothing but stare at a blank wall at times with a demanding job and small children and DH working away in the week. I think your feelings are telling you that things are not working and need to change before you damage your health.

The reducing hours temporarily via parental leave is a good call so you can try it out, and maybe there are some hours you can do at home one evening to make shorter days. Take all the help you can get, and I agree think about pick up and/or drop off help. Is it really too far to walk if someone pushed him in a buggy who liked walking (if you’re rural etc i know this might be the case) Is there anything else that can change that can help you get through until the change in nursery? Can that be brought forward?

I just feel so sorry for myself and I know that’s a dangerous route to go down as self pity gets you nowhere. I think I just needed to talk it out. I’m so unhappy.

I mean this in the nicest way, but I agree, you are in a self pity fest!

You have ONE child (in nursery), a good career, financial security and breaks every weekend. Get over yourself.

There are many sp's on here bringing up two/three without anything like your resources and support - and doing a fantastic job too!

Take a long weekend off, think about all the pluses you have, be grateful. Then reset and start again (making life as easy as possible for yourself at every opportunity).

Thanks. I know I’m being self pitying and I know people have it worse. I think I just feel on the cusp of tears so often that I’m sometimes just too fragile to function properly. I’ve come off calls at work and cried, I am quick to anger and just feel hopeless a lot of the time. Life feels stuck in this horrible cycle I can’t escape

Can you use parental leave for a couple of weeks? Or annual leave, instead of going off sick?

Can you speak to work, and condense your hours - e.g. three long days, two short? Or work four long days and have a day off, with work being done from home?

Can his family help in any way at all? Doing nursery runs, taking him of an evening, having him for a sleepover once a week?

Paying for a babysitter for 3 hours a week won't do much. Can your ex not have him at least one night a week, pick him up from nursery or drop him off on the days his shifts allow it? Yes you'd be finding out on a weekly/fortnightly/monthly basis, but it sounds like he doesn't do any work. I'd be taking time off sick, putting your foot down and telling him that non-work days/times he's not working during the nursery run, it's his turn to do it.

Sad that people jump to medicate a young mum as thought there's something "wrong" with you. There isn't - you're experiencing a very understandable reaction to stressful life events. You don't needs drugs and a diagnosis - you need practical solutions and support.

Your DS is also at a shitty age. You will feel much better when he starts school. Until then something has to give OP. Drop/compress your hours, make his dad do more, ask family/friends for help one day a week or failing any of that pay for someone to reduce your burden. Those are the things that will make a difference while you get through this hectic period.

Being a single parent is very difficult, it just is. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. You simply need to be proactive in making it a bit easier for yourself in any way you can.

💐

Agree with others saying you don't need the GP, you need a break..going down to 4 days would create a buffer to get some jobs done and feel less stressed. Sounds like your ex would be willing to step up the financial support to bridge the further disparity as you do most of the care.

Wishing you strength.

I agree. DB has been on ADs for over 2 decades now and just cannot get off them.

im not saying it’s not necessary or right for some people but once on them it’s very very hard for some to get off them.

You need a break OP. You need some time to yourself. You can’t drink from an empty cup. I agree with other posters, 4 days a week and more financial support from ex is needed. On that day off if you do cut down put your DC in nursery for the whole day and you have that day off for yourself to recharge.

what difference would that make?

You so badly need this. This age is truly grim. I hated it. Once they start school it gets a bit easier somehow.

Got to your GP and ask for a full blood panel to rule out anything physical, or book it privately if that is more straightforward. Yes, life is really exhausting right now, but don't be fobbed off with anti depressants when it could be a physical problem.

The other thing that occurs to me is how healthy is it for you to be so closely entwined with your ex? Obviously he is the father of your child so has a financial and practical responsibility, but he seems to be more than typically part of your life and this may be emotionally very hard work and take a lot of your energy.

I could've written this and fully sympathise OP. I am working full time in a demanding and intense job, have my DC most of the time. Do all the mental and physical load. Most days I'm exhausted. Co-parenting and we have a good friendship now after almost 4 years since separating.

I fully understand the worries you have about side effects from medication. I think honestly if it isn't for you then look at other things like the practical things that might lessen the load. Your Ex sounds like he is reasonable and may be able to take on more. If he is covering your DS costs could you temporarily cut your hours, I know having the money is great but you need to pace yourself before you burn out completely.

Do you have any family support around you who could do some childcare (drop offs & picks ups etc) during the week? Or perhaps friends? There's also a charity called home start who assist struggling parents - we've never used them but I've heard about them.

I get your worry about any potential side effects of antidepressants. I had a mental health breakdown in lockdown (anxiety) and even though the GP reassured me I wouldn't have any significant side effects they did make me feel worse before making me feel better. For example, I didn't have any strength at all to get out of bed for the first week... I don't think they helped long term either, but therapy did and so did some self-care.

I get it can be hard and relentless , it will get easier with time but for now you need to find a way and support to manage x

Thank you. I’ve been reading all these. It’s strange because I have moments where I feel much better, when I’ve eaten properly or slept and ds has been less hard work. Those days are ok. But they are infrequent and the mental stamina of giving up every moment to be there for ds when his dad isn’t is very hard.

I think the nub of it is that I’m always ‘on.’ Even when he’s in nursery it’s me who needs their phone on in case he needs picking up (ex too far to get there). It’s all on me all the time.

Thinking about these posts I recognise I need to force myself to take breaks in the same way I force myself to keep going. I’m going to stop saving annual leave for moments when ds may need picking up etc and just take the financial hit if I run out of leave and then have to take unpaid time off for child related issues. I think part of the problem is I have literally not had one day to myself since he was born. i wish I hadn’t got myself into this state. I feel like a lot of damage has been done to my well-being and now it’s hard to unravel

I’m also in the sort of job where it is seen as very weak to be off especially for simply not coping. Of course I am able to do it and on the face of it it’s deemed acceptable but in reality you’re seen differently at work.

Taking anti-depressants does mean that there that is anything 'wrong' with someone. It means that someone needs a bit of help. They give you a break from thoughts constantly going around and around without resolution, and lift your mood and give you a bit more energy. My GP says she tends to prescribe Sertraline to the mums as it's quite gentle and doesn't have many side side effects and doesn't make you feel ill to start with.