Mother in law visits. Calling the Mumsnet jury.

[Swedes]

MIL comes to us every Sunday for lunch - staying about 5-6 hours (less in the winter as she doesn't like driving in the dark). We no longer invite her, she just assumes and comes. If we cancel, she comes on a Monday instead - she self invites saying I'll come on Monday instead. DP has Mondays off - it was meant for us to be able to spend more time together, play tennis that sort of thing. I like her very much even though she is sometimes imperious and demanding. But I do get a bit cross about her coming every Sunday especially as she stays so long. It is the only day off we have as a family as my big sons play school sport on Saturdays.

She is not my two big sons' grandmother. She can't help but make a fuss of the little ones (her grandchildren) and this makes me feel bad for my big sons although I don't think they notice in all fairness. I just think it would be nicer if she wasn't ever present on our only day off as a whole family.

I've mentioned this to DP a few times (let's say 4 times over the past 6 months) but he buries his head in the sand.

What would be a good compromise and AIBU?

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Only you know how assertive you can be with her! It's a unique nightmare - the presumptious inlaw.

Something needs to break thte presumption and the cycle. Could you make a few family days out doing things that by definition she could not join in with? And then when you explain you can say well it is our ONLY day as a family.
And then replace her huge stay with a shorter w/end supper, How about a Saturday supper? Just mix it up a bit so she has tso check with you, so you get tyo choose.

Every week!! . YANBU
Is she on her own though? You will have to be busy I think on Sun and Mon and invite her on specific Sundays in the future...Good Luck.
I like my MIL very much too and she is the easiest house guest but she would drive me potty if we saw her every week.....

Yes, she is on her own.

I can't be assertive with her. She says see you next Sunday and I squeak OK.

I agree, you need to take back the initiative and then you can say, we are busy but just check with me and I can let you know when will be good for us.

No other siblings to help I assume?

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You could try to get it down to every second Sunday. Start off planning some Sunday trips/activities and then in time once a fortnight might become the new norm.

Also Swedes, I have a gf who had an onerous mil and it ended up really damaging her relationship with her partner.

You may be just swallowing so much resentment that it will inevitably have to be taken out on your dp. Really, it's healthy to be assertive, it really is unfair of her to come every week, she needs to get a life. We'll all need to learn that some time in our lives!

Sorry, I meant to add, said gf put her foot down and there was a little sulking but mil has learned proper respect for their privacy and boundaries.
Every Sunday = NOT ACCEPTABLE!

DP has a brother who pops in to see his mother for about half an hour every week or so. Mostly on his own as his wife doesn't get on with MIL.

Cod -

justabout - Where did you get national newspaper from?

It is damaging. I feel he should sort it out because she's his mother. Besides, I don't want to upset an old lady.

Justabout - Daily

if he wont sort it you need to break the cycle. tell her sundays and mondays you have plans from now on, you will call her about when you will see her. then go to her house instead of yours.

Blimey Swedes, YANB at all U. But you MUST get dh to negotiate with his mother - pointing out Sunday is the only family day you have. Maybe suggest every other week as a starter and see if you can negotiate an even better deal in future?

break the cycle!

Not worth poisoning your relationship.

These selfish old Birds

need
to
learn!!!!

Then I would say....

'we cannot do next week as we are going to ....... on Sunday and DH is taking us out on Monday so we will see you in a fortnight.'

and smile.

You need to go out on Sunday as a family wihtout her - and then you go out on Monday and leave DH to deal with his mother .

Poor woman - she prob doesn't even know you feel like this so tell your dh you are out for the next 6 months of sundays and mndays unless he discusses it with her.

Yes Swedes, I think that if DP doesn't actually raise it with her then you will be making excuses till Kingdom Come.

Something Must Be Done.

However: I think there is a danger that she will get very hurt and start feeling unwelcome at any time.

So, he should say s/t like - Ma, would you mind terribly if we made visiting a little more casual, rather than every week without fail? We don't have a huge amount of time together just the six of us, and it would be great to be able to go off on the spur of the moment. How about every couple of weeks or so?"

Then gradually reduce to every 3 weeks.

Then again, there is a reason that I didn't choose themistressofdiplomacy as my MN name.
And am probably talking shite.

I agree with collision

or invite other people round

your big boys' friends

or your mum

actually that is a good idea
invite more people
do that every sunday for 6 weeks
then tell her that it's all been a bit exhasuting and your not 'doing' Sunday this week, but you'll give her a bell to confirm next week.

signed
themistressofdiplomacy