Mother in law visits. Calling the Mumsnet jury.

[Swedes]

MIL comes to us every Sunday for lunch - staying about 5-6 hours (less in the winter as she doesn't like driving in the dark). We no longer invite her, she just assumes and comes. If we cancel, she comes on a Monday instead - she self invites saying I'll come on Monday instead. DP has Mondays off - it was meant for us to be able to spend more time together, play tennis that sort of thing. I like her very much even though she is sometimes imperious and demanding. But I do get a bit cross about her coming every Sunday especially as she stays so long. It is the only day off we have as a family as my big sons play school sport on Saturdays.

She is not my two big sons' grandmother. She can't help but make a fuss of the little ones (her grandchildren) and this makes me feel bad for my big sons although I don't think they notice in all fairness. I just think it would be nicer if she wasn't ever present on our only day off as a whole family.

I've mentioned this to DP a few times (let's say 4 times over the past 6 months) but he buries his head in the sand.

What would be a good compromise and AIBU?

have thought about counselling as well. Have tried to reinforce the same boundaries twice monthly visits with me there at 1.

peacelily, it's because no-one knows what it is like until they are in that type of situation. Dealing with subtle, underhand snide comments is really draining and used to leave me reeling for days on end as to what I should have said back to her. In the end I decided that I just wasn't going to engage with her and should just withdraw for the sake of my DH and her gc, but the only effective way of doing this is just not to be in her company as she can upset me within about 20 minutes of us being together.

Again a true reflection of my situation, after just a few minutes I can feel my hackles rising and like you say it's not pleasant for anyone if I stay around so I either have "stuff" to do upstairs or things to do outside the home. some people don't realise that to be too long with them is intolerable for everyone because of the awful dynamics.

And I'm a fairly tolerant person I'm a therapist FFS! Her piling in of us is TOTALLY for her own needs not because she "wants to help" etc etc.

Could you sit her down one sunday / phone her up and say that the kids social diary is taking off a bit more and the days have gone all higgledy piggledy and you need to work them and some family time in and it's all gone to pot (stress stress flap flap) and that you love her visits and want to get dates for the next month in to the diary and can she do x,y and z (pick one night or lunch per week at this stage but make sure only half are on the usual sunday/monday and the other dates are completely differert). Phew long sentence sorry! Then for the next month, winkle it down to 3 dates, then next 3 or 4, the next 2 and then keep it at that?!?!?

Threads like this make me appreciate living in a different country to extended family! Though I do wish my dcs could see more of their gps - don't feel they have a close relationship with them or do things with them without us - eg nephew is going to a football match with his grandfather for the first time soon... feel sad/jealous that my boys won't ever get to do that..

But back to your problem Swedes - how far away does MIL live Swedes? Just thinking of the fact that you say she is 80 and still driving..... if she is local it should be easier to mix it up a bit and have her around for dinner during the week rather than the weekend when it suits you. If she lives further away surely she won't/shouldn't be driving for much longer so that fact might reduce the frequency of visits in the future anyway (even if she lives to be a 100!)

Wow. Thank you. I'm so grateful for all your suggestions and stories. I'm going to go back and have a really good read. I suppose the truth is I think my family are more kindly, warmer, more helpful, easier, wittier than my in laws. I suspect most people think that.

How do I ask DP on board without coming across as a nag or a meanie?

Put the situation to him the other way around, Swedes? Imagine my mother was coming for 6 hours every week? Love her and all but most families don't live like this.