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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law visits. Calling the Mumsnet jury.

57 replies

Swedes · 02/05/2008 17:04

MIL comes to us every Sunday for lunch - staying about 5-6 hours (less in the winter as she doesn't like driving in the dark). We no longer invite her, she just assumes and comes. If we cancel, she comes on a Monday instead - she self invites saying I'll come on Monday instead. DP has Mondays off - it was meant for us to be able to spend more time together, play tennis that sort of thing. I like her very much even though she is sometimes imperious and demanding. But I do get a bit cross about her coming every Sunday especially as she stays so long. It is the only day off we have as a family as my big sons play school sport on Saturdays.

She is not my two big sons' grandmother. She can't help but make a fuss of the little ones (her grandchildren) and this makes me feel bad for my big sons although I don't think they notice in all fairness. I just think it would be nicer if she wasn't ever present on our only day off as a whole family.

I've mentioned this to DP a few times (let's say 4 times over the past 6 months) but he buries his head in the sand.

What would be a good compromise and AIBU?

OP posts:
justaboutisfeelingrelieved · 02/05/2008 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosella · 02/05/2008 19:27

I would be subtle. Gradually make plans without her every other Sunday (being really nice and giving explanations at first as to why she's not included) and eventually it will turn into a fortnightly visit, which will be better for everyone as you will probably feel well disposed towards her and she still feels a regular part of your lives. This really depends on the attitude of your partner, of course, as it what I have been hoping to achieve with my MIL whereas my DH tries to force her on me twice a week and all family holidays. Not good for anyone.

peacelily · 02/05/2008 19:48

YANBU the same issue has caused lot's of upset and resentment between me and dh. His Mum he sorts it is my view.

It sounds like the reason she's coming is because it's meeting her needs. Not to dismiss them out of hand but the needs of your family must come first. I'd say once to twice a month max. It's hard when they're on their own you feel like a bitch but family time is essential.

Despite mysfl and dh trying to beassertive with my MiL she still tries to come more often than we'd like and we end up having to turn her down flat and make stupid excuses. Drives me mad. She asks dh in front of me if she can come over and thinks I won't have the guts to say no actually we're busy, but a few times I've had to.

Original poster
Swedes · 02/05/2008 19:51

Gawd, it's complicated isn't it? We are often a big gathering for Sunday lunch - she is very happy to join in. In fact she loves it - the more the merrier. But sometimes it would be nice to see my friends and family without her always there. Especially friends that I don't get round to seeing very often - the conversation is altered to be inclusive to an 80 year old lady, quite rightly but annoying all the same. I'm having a drinks party for about 40-odd people next Sunday and she will expect to come - she will self invite.

By best friend came for Sunday lunch a few sundays ago and MIL was really a bit rude to friend's husband and very rude about the husband when they'd gone.

At what point, I wonder, did an invite to come for Sunday lunch become an entitlement to impose yourself not only for Sunday lunch but for the whole day. It happened without me noticing.

Am going to re-read all your helpful posts now.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 02/05/2008 19:56

YIKES! YANBU. Could you use the summer as an excuse eg. 'now the beter weather is coming(HAHAHA)we ARE going to go out more as a family. I'LL give you a ring for visiting.'

Did you noyice the key words?

Oh and make your dp tell her.

cocolepew · 02/05/2008 19:57

sigh NOTICE
My fingers have got coditise tonight.

CarGirl · 02/05/2008 19:59

I guess now summer is going you could perhaps do the "we can't do this Sunay but how about Wed/Thur (whatever) for tea/dinner" that way she will see you all and it won't impose into a whole Sunday afternoon/evening.

Original poster
Swedes · 02/05/2008 20:01

cocolepew - codititis = really shite typing

OP posts:
Original poster
Swedes · 02/05/2008 20:03

I know you all think I'm a bit of a wimp, but this woman is a matriarchal Austrian who's had 80 years of calling the shots.

OP posts:
gagarin · 02/05/2008 20:35

But it's not your job to tell her what for - it's her son who needs to do the telling!

If he doesn't - go out!

SmugColditz · 02/05/2008 20:41

Doesn't matter. What, when you get right down to it, is she going to do to you if you don't fall in line?

hacve her for dinner on a Wednesday, every Wednesday, instead.At 80 she's probably just in a routine, and you need to replace it.

Oh, and be BUSY

I'm sorry, we're BUSY Sunday and Monday but it would be lovely to see you on WEDNESDAY.

Just because she WAS a matriarch doesn't mean she's THE Matriarch ... in your house, my dear, The Matriarch is you.

IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 02/05/2008 20:44

Oh she sounds sweet but a bit oblivious. YANBU but I doubt very much that she realises SIBU IYSWIM

I think you really have to get your DP to take note, because he has to be on side whatever you do about this. If he wants her there every week you'll have an uphill struggle.

How about you arrange for you all to do something special some Sunday that she obviously won't be doing - for example, abseiling, or perhaps Have A Go motocross - and make it known that it's a mum, dad and the kids thing. So when she says 'See you next week' you your DP says "Actually, next week's we've got X booked, what about the week after?" thereby breaking the deadlock and the habit.

Unless these hardcore Austrian grannies are into extreme sports of course.

CarGirl · 02/05/2008 20:44

can you get your friends to invite you to their houses alternate weeks for a while, you will not be home therefore she CANNOT come and then you suggest the alternative that best suits you.

Be strong, worst that happens is she gets the hump and stops coming?????

justaboutisfeelingrelieved · 02/05/2008 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Swedes · 02/05/2008 21:03

Yes, I like the idea of Wednesdays. What would she do all weekend though? It would make me feel a bit mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swedes · 02/05/2008 21:05

Rosella - Twice a week, for how long?

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 02/05/2008 21:05

Have her for Sunday every 3rd week or something.

justaboutisfeelingrelieved · 02/05/2008 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Swedes · 02/05/2008 21:24

She goes to church first - then here straight from church.

OP posts:
justaboutisfeelingrelieved · 02/05/2008 21:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janni · 02/05/2008 21:33

Maybe she thinks this is what grandmas are supposed to do. Maybe she'll be delighted to finally get a Sunday to herself without having to visit all those pesky kids

Families with your number of children usually have tons of activities over the weekend. We certainly wouldn't be home every Sunday to have guests and there's no way I would give up precious quality time with DH to entertain his mum.

Your DH needs to tell her, clearly and you need to work out between you what is manageable. It will improve the visits because if you feel resentful it MUST show on your face over a five hour period, however good an actress you are.

peacelily · 02/05/2008 21:42

Agree with Gargarin, when this situation occurs in my house (ie when she turns up 2 weeks consecutively despite me insisting every other week max) I go out. For the duration.

If I feel she's stealing all our weekened time to be with dd herself I insist dh says something but IME men are crap in this situation and do do the ostrich bit. They can't seem to stand up to them.

LittleMissMuffett · 02/05/2008 21:43

I suggest you plan a few Sundays / Mondays away on holiday, so you will not be home to receive her. God I hate mine! Never help always provide lip service, don't want stress of looking after their own dgd.

Rosella · 02/05/2008 21:57

I like peacelily's post. My DH is a classic ostrich. Also the fact that it is ok to just "go out". I have now started doing this and am getting feedback from my DH that his family think it is incredibly rude (but it's been ok for her to have been incredibly rude to me for the last 10 years of course).

Swedes, I have spent a ridiculous amount of time with my MIL since I have known my DH. She used to have a regular session coming down here once a week to "help out", and they would also descend at the weekend and quite often stay over. All annual holidays too.

I predicted about 5 years ago to my DH that if we didn't pull back and cut out some of the contact that one day we would have almightly all out rows and end up not on speaking terms. We have more or less reached this point, but not fully because of the gc. I just can't bear her for lots of reasons, but the main problem is that she just lets loose a load of barbed, snidey comments in my direction the whole time.

In the end, I took my DH off to counselling about this very issue. Counsellor listened to both sides and told DH that I was being reasonable. She agreed with my suggestion that we should see his parents once a fortnight, with me around only once a month. DH still tries to resist and sneak in more visits though. Drives me mad. Pull back and set some boundaries before you have all out rows.

It sounds like you a mum of boys (like me) so I'm sure you are trying to be reasonable and as accommodating as you can. You have also been quite nice about her as well.

Good luck (sorry to go on).

peacelily · 02/05/2008 22:02

Oh my God Rosella you are me!!! I've had this EXACT same set of issues for the last 10 years, snidey comments (that dh doesn't think are grrrr!), sneaking visits in etc. etc. Good to know I'm not the only one, when I talk to others about this they think I'm being a total bitch.