AIBU to be finding right now really tough and just want to be alone?

[Lolabear38]

I’ll preface this by saying that love my children and husband very much, I can’t imagine my life without them, that’s not what this is about.

Also, apologies for the length.

DC are 6 and 3, DH works a very full on job with very long hours and I work part time around the kids. I’m either at work or with children - literally never on my own.

I just really miss my life before marriage and kids right now. I think perhaps it’s this strange time between Christmas and new year and to be honest, I’m fucking exhausted. We’ve been hosting family (lovely) and we had a house full on Christmas Day, plus I take on the bulk of the Christmas organization - like a lot of mums, really. The Christmas adrenaline has finally worn off and I’m overwhelmed and bone tired.

Things I really miss right now about my pre-wife & mum life:

• time to myself. I literally never get a minute in the day to myself. I’m massively overstimulated- touched out, too much noise, so many times hearing ‘mummyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ . My kids will literally walk past every other adult in the house to ask me to get them a snack etc. We are also in the season of ‘mummy, look at THIS!!!’ CONSTANTLY.
• Peaceful mornings - I love a slow, peaceful morning. Getting up early, a quiet cup of tea, read some of my book or catch up on news before the day gets started etc. Now the second I wake up and move one of the kids is up demanding things from me. It feels relentless until the second I go to bed, I’m exhausted.
• anything of my own really - I got some lovely smellies for Christmas only to get in the shower this morning to find dd (6) had been doing ‘science experiments’ in there last night when DH had been in charge of bath/ shower time and she has used half of them up. I believe him when he said he didn’t realise what she was doing as she was getting on with washing herself etc.
• eating a meal without a child either sitting on my lap, whining to sit on my lap or asking me to go and fetch them something. DH always manages to eat without being bothered. He half heartedly will try and step in but invariably gets the ‘no! I want MUMMY!’ response.
• being able to watch something I want to watch on tv without the cry of ’oh but I want Fireman Saaaaaaaaaam!!!!!!’ as soon as the kids are in bed DH wants to talk or watch something together. It’s lovely but we have totally different taste in tv so I hardly ever get to watch things I want to.
• Being able to have a nice, leisurely walk around the shops on my own.
• not being touched constantly. I’m not sure if I’ve always had a sensitivity to it or if it’s something that’s developed since having my children.
• Not just feeling totally overwhelmed by mess, noise and clutter. I tidy constantly and my house always seems a mess.

My absolute favourite fantasy is going away on my own for a full weekend. I have it perfectly planned out in my head - a lovely cottage, new pyjamas, books, wine and snacks, and absolutely nobody else there at all.

I don’t want my marriage to end or to not have my children. We have so many joyful, loving and fun times and they’re all amazing. Just right now, 4 days after Christmas with no end to the school holidays in sight, I’d really just like some fuc**ng time alone.

I think I just maybe needed to vent, sorry.

I know this is hard but you need to set some boundaries. You need to ring fence some you time when your DH takes over with the kids and let him build his relationship with them. Book something in for Saturday morning and tell him you're going out. Plan a shopping morning that includes an hour in a cafe with a book.

And set some boundaries with your children. They don't need to sit on your knee for meals now. They need to sit at their own places.

Train the children now to tidy up. When it's time to stop playing give them manageable tidy up jobs to do while you're in the room doing another tidy up job.

Don't set yourself up to be a martyr for years to come.

OP - I used to have that same fantasy. I would have fever-dreams about a clean white bed to myself and a locked door. I remember.

You are in the trenches right now. It is really really tough, but I promise you this will pass. This is your life right now, not your life forever. It gets better.

Is there anything you can do to make right now more bearable? I took up running at that point in parenting because I literally needed to run away; I would wait for dh to get home from work, shove the children into his arms and run out of the door. It kept me sane.

It will get better. I now have gorgeous teenagers who are great company. I still go running, but my lovely 17-year-old son often comes with me now! And I relish his company.

Repeat like a mantra: this too shall pass.

Sounds like you are really in the thick of it OP, you have my sympathy

regarding Christmas, next year don’t host if you feel like this. I made that decision this year and it was so lovely. It was just our little family that I essentially had to cook a roast for, no deep cleaning panic days leading up to it. Please start putting yourself first with stuff like this, life is manic enough and you don’t need to be hosting another load of people

is your dream weekend away not doable? Could your husband not carve out some time for you to have a much needed break? You absolutely deserve it and it’ll benefit your family and sanity if you can have that

as I say you are in the thick of it and it does get easier. My DD is 14 and of course needs help in other ways but I’m not overstimulated or over touched. I won’t tell you “you’ll miss these days” because that warrants a punch in the face when you feel how you do but please know that it does pass

talk to your partner and see how/when you can have a spec of alone time, you really need it xx

I’m not as far gone down that path as you right now, but I’ve been pretty vocal to my DP that for my next present I want a night in a hotel in the city we live in on my own. Your fantasy sounds delightful and with some planning should be achievable. Have you asked for it? Does DH know how you’re feeling?

What on earth is your DH doing at weekends? Does he literally never have time on his own with the kids? Doesn't matter how full on his job is, he is a parent too.

Thank you so much for these replies. I’m actually quite emotional reading them. I needed to hear this.

I think perhaps the weekend away (or night, at least) is maybe doable in a few months when we have recovered from the cost of Christmas 😂 I’m going to talk to DH about it in a few weeks.

In truth, the hosting has been mostly lovely. We live very far from family and they have traveled to see us which I’m so grateful for. We likely won’t see them next Christmas so I won’t have to do this again. It’s been both a blessing and a burden (mainly a blessing, I just mean I’m feeling it now).

I definitely need to take this advice and set boundaries, and carve out some time for myself. I miss the person I was before I became a wife and a mum but there’s no reason I can’t get at least some of her back. I think many of you will understand that it’s often the mum’s plans that get shelved first! But I don’t think I can carry on like this. It’s not good for any of us.

I’m going to start by going to the cinema one evening when the kids are in bed I think. It’s something small but something I can do for myself.

Honestly, thank you for these replies x

He’s a lovely guy but no, he hardly ever takes the kids on his own. He will never initiate taking them on his own either. It’s always me doing things with them or me asking him to take them. This is both of our faults - his for not making enough effort and honestly mine for not setting boundaries before now. I don’t even know how we got here really, I was a SAHM for a couple of years before going back to work and I think I felt like it was my duty 🤦🏻‍♀️

God I know the feeling, 6&4 year olds here. 4 yr old starts school in Sept & while I am not wishing the time away I certainly won’t be going back ft straightaway!
Doesn’t help that I find kids are not at their best right now.
Can you arrange that you and DH each have 2 hours alone time today, or is he back at work already?

Don’t just dream it do it. Get your dh to take 3 days holiday and you go away for 2 nights. Champneys, a travel lodge, a retreat, a cottage. Anywhere. Do what you want for a few days and you’ll have a renewed energy to set some boundaries.

Why on earth do you and your husband not take it in turns choosing what you want to watch? It sounds as though he needs to step up a bit, appreciate all that you do, and stop being so self centred. It often seems to go that way when the man has the "big job". He starts to feel the world revolves around him and undervalue what his partner is doing. I'd nip that in the bud very quickly if I were you.

I really need to do this. If would bring it up tonight if it weren’t for the fact we had a chat just this evening about how we need to rein in the spending a bit after Christmas 😂

I haven’t talked to him about it because I’m not sure he would get where I’m coming from. He works such long hours I’m sure he’s feeling it too.

His first choice of tv watching would always be sport. Mine would be something trashy or reality based (don’t judge me 😂). We usually end up watching something in the middle - so a compromise which actually is a bit stupid because it’s usually something that neither of us particularly wants to watch 😂

My kids are definitely not at their best right now!

I will suggest this, definitely. It’s all just got a bit much tonight I think! I sat in the garden while the kids played this afternoon and thought I’d try and read some of my book - I think I re read the same paragraph about 6 times - being interrupted each time - before giving it up as a bad job and it’s just really made me think!

I want to add - when my kids were small I wasn't working. Dh had a really full-on job. But the minute he stepped though the door he was on dad duty. He fully understood that while we both had tough days, it was different. He got to have a coffee at work, or lunch with a client, or pop to the pharmacy in his lunchbreak. He worked bloody hard all day AND he stepped up as soon as he got home - for us that usually meant him taking the kids on and either taking them for a swim, or doing bath time or stories, and me doing dinner. It was a tough time for both of us, but it was completely understood that the answer was not for me to do MORE of my day job while he got down time.

Looking back I can see that it was hard for me in my hormonal, overtired haze to see him doing it 'wrong' sometimes, but in the long run it's better for the whole family.

I also remember once yelling and crying that "I have been a parent for exactly the same amount of time you have!!" in response to some innocuous question about how to do something. Gosh, those days were hard.

You don't need to wait till the kids are in bed to go to the cinema. Their dad can do bedtime. Go out in the car for an hour park somewhere read your book. My DGM told me that you have to show people how to treat you. Start looking after yourself.

OP can you take up a hobby? When my youngest was 4 I joined a female sports team. Was so good for me to have something just for me and to meet new friends.

I can't always make training because my husband works very long hours but I make most weeks as do try to prioritise this.

Has helped me immensely.

My youngest has since started school and I've remained part time. I've joined a gym and have time to enjoy the housework, meet friends etc. Feels like a reward for all the years in the trenches.

I work part time nights including some weekends - it means there are two or three days each week in term time when the kids are at school and I am at home alone.

If you are a professional this might not be possible but if you could do some of your part time hours in the evening/night or weekend (in care/hospitality or retail that should be easy) while your partner has the kids you will get downtime when they are at school.

Alternatively if you work 5 days can you afford work 4 or 3 to get a couple of days alone?

you’re not a single parent so most of the things you crave you can make happen. You need to leave the kids with their dad more so he learns to step up and it doesn’t all fall to you constantly. Take up a hobby, arrange to meet friends, you don’t have to sit in night after night. These tough days of parenting will pass, we are now at university stage where you don’t see them for months, but no, I don’t miss those days of young kids and no time for yourself (I was a single mum and their dad worked overseas a lot, so it wasn’t possible for me to carve out anytime, so making up for it now).

You don't have to jump to it every time one of your dc ask you to. They need to learn to wait. It's up to you as a parent to impose boundaries. And be firmer if you say dad will.do it, stick to that.

Why do kids that age need to sit on your lap at mealtimes??

I would start with this. He needs to start taking the children out for an hour or two on the weekends. This gives you a much needed break and dc will develop a closer relationship with him. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If he is truly lovely he will not have an issue doing it.

Is there any reason you can't book a hotel Fri-sun one weekend and take a bit of time to yourself? Jan is probably the cheapest time to do it. Don't forget to pack your posh shower gel and recharge!

And you need your OH to notice when the children aren’t giving you space and he needs to intervene. For a long time we had a period where my OH would say to the children why did you ask mum for xyz when I was just here. It was really odd how default ‘mum’ was for them and we had to actively stop it as it was just too much.

Totally get the notion of being touched out/ sensory overload too - somethings got to change so small steps. Firstly get your OH to become more aware and involved in relieving this overload on you, and then take time out in the house and as part of your routine so that the children begin to understand that mum is not always available. We used to have specific days when the children were small where we had our own evenings in the spare room to read, self care and escape - but actually looking back it was also great for the children to know that at times one of us was having a rest and couldn’t be disturbed.

I am also an over stimulated mum to a 5 and 2 year old however I agree with PP that some boundaries need to be set.
Don't use my nice smellies and DP needs to police that if he's on shower duty.
Get up an hour earlier for your coffee and book in peace.
Say no when the kids request their crap on the tv all the time. Stick them in another room for 10 mins and try and enforce quiet time.

I know it's hard.