AIBU to be finding right now really tough and just want to be alone?

[Lolabear38]

I’ll preface this by saying that love my children and husband very much, I can’t imagine my life without them, that’s not what this is about.

Also, apologies for the length.

DC are 6 and 3, DH works a very full on job with very long hours and I work part time around the kids. I’m either at work or with children - literally never on my own.

I just really miss my life before marriage and kids right now. I think perhaps it’s this strange time between Christmas and new year and to be honest, I’m fucking exhausted. We’ve been hosting family (lovely) and we had a house full on Christmas Day, plus I take on the bulk of the Christmas organization - like a lot of mums, really. The Christmas adrenaline has finally worn off and I’m overwhelmed and bone tired.

Things I really miss right now about my pre-wife & mum life:

• time to myself. I literally never get a minute in the day to myself. I’m massively overstimulated- touched out, too much noise, so many times hearing ‘mummyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ . My kids will literally walk past every other adult in the house to ask me to get them a snack etc. We are also in the season of ‘mummy, look at THIS!!!’ CONSTANTLY.
• Peaceful mornings - I love a slow, peaceful morning. Getting up early, a quiet cup of tea, read some of my book or catch up on news before the day gets started etc. Now the second I wake up and move one of the kids is up demanding things from me. It feels relentless until the second I go to bed, I’m exhausted.
• anything of my own really - I got some lovely smellies for Christmas only to get in the shower this morning to find dd (6) had been doing ‘science experiments’ in there last night when DH had been in charge of bath/ shower time and she has used half of them up. I believe him when he said he didn’t realise what she was doing as she was getting on with washing herself etc.
• eating a meal without a child either sitting on my lap, whining to sit on my lap or asking me to go and fetch them something. DH always manages to eat without being bothered. He half heartedly will try and step in but invariably gets the ‘no! I want MUMMY!’ response.
• being able to watch something I want to watch on tv without the cry of ’oh but I want Fireman Saaaaaaaaaam!!!!!!’ as soon as the kids are in bed DH wants to talk or watch something together. It’s lovely but we have totally different taste in tv so I hardly ever get to watch things I want to.
• Being able to have a nice, leisurely walk around the shops on my own.
• not being touched constantly. I’m not sure if I’ve always had a sensitivity to it or if it’s something that’s developed since having my children.
• Not just feeling totally overwhelmed by mess, noise and clutter. I tidy constantly and my house always seems a mess.

My absolute favourite fantasy is going away on my own for a full weekend. I have it perfectly planned out in my head - a lovely cottage, new pyjamas, books, wine and snacks, and absolutely nobody else there at all.

I don’t want my marriage to end or to not have my children. We have so many joyful, loving and fun times and they’re all amazing. Just right now, 4 days after Christmas with no end to the school holidays in sight, I’d really just like some fuc**ng time alone.

I think I just maybe needed to vent, sorry.

I absolutely agree with others that you need to start clawing back some time now, don’t wait for the chance to book a full weekend. I’d suggest:

• one weeknight you get to do a hobby, like swimming, dance class, gym, book club, etc. DH gets home by 7 and takes over immediately. Book and pay for it.
• DH gets to do the same for one night a week.
• you alternate weekend lie ins, so you get one day he gets the other. Make yourself a tea and go back to bed. Get DH to put a film on or better still take the kids out. Make it clear to him and the kids that if he lets the kids bother you constantly you’ll take his lie in too.
• Start the kids on hobbies which become their thing with dad. Things like swimming, football, climbing wall etc. After he’s done it a few times it will become like habit.
• Get another TV and put it somewhere you can watch it on your own once the kids are in bed. Don’t feel guilty about doing that 1/2 nights a week.
• Block out time when you’re working for a decent lunch.
• Start the process of getting the kids to leave you alone at mealtimes- they are old enough to not need to sit on you. Get new chairs, grown up plates/ glasses, make it comfy and/ or fun but be clear that if they get up/ start wandering about or bothering you they get put back in their own seat and eventually the food gets taken away.

Book a day off where dh takes them out for the day. He also gets one. Yours come first. He has to take them out the house for at least six hours, leaving at 9am after he has given them breakfast and tidied it up. You can help him plan the activities before but the rule is they stay out of the house.

This.

They're not babies anymore. You can move onto the next phase of parenting which is the start of teaching them to be reasonable humans. It's ok to have boundaries and not be 100% available. Leave them with DH on a Sunday morning. Go shopping/coffee/library. Get a tablet & headphones for your programmes.

Also - get them into drop & leave type clubs. Things like Beavers / Gymnastics etc where parents never stay & watch. That buys you an hour of peace at first & scouting things builds up to whole weekends away by age 8 or so.

I fully relate. You need to take the time, no one will make it for you. Plan to go out and go. Book, cafe, walk etc just go.

it does get easier 6 and 3 is hard but 6 and 9 is much much easier.

Watch this mother manage her puppies, be like her!

We have all been there! I also won’t tell you to soak in every moment as you’ll miss it, because I never did!! Mine are 8 and 11 now and I do not miss the small years even one tiny bit. It will get better too; eventually you’ll be able to drink coffee in peace and eat dinner with everyone in their own place. For now though, I second the idea of trying to make your weekend away happen. You also need to carve time out for yourself regularly. This is very important for your children’s relationship with their dad, which ultimately will give you more freedom.

do you have any mates who would take the kids for a weekend to give you a break?
i dont have kids, and i often just move in for a weekend to let my mate go to a spa or just do a house swap so she can have a bath and a free house to chill out in?

She has a husband who can do this.

Yes, what? Why should the child-free mates step in? It's not their problem.

My absolute favourite fantasy is going away on my own for a full weekend. I have it perfectly planned out in my head - a lovely cottage, new pyjamas, books, wine and snacks, and absolutely nobody else there at all.

Can't you do that? Last year DH took our 3 kids away for the weekend so I had the house to myself. OMG it was great. Obviously felt like I didn't make the most of my alone time, and it's never enough, but it was better than nothing! In my own house, alone! That never happens!! Got to engineer it.

sorry, i wasn't making any kind of a statement with this!

i know it can be hard to be parents, so i occasionally do this for my mate and her husband to have some time together

i'm not saying it's a friends obligation, more that there might be friends (like me) who quite enjoy having a weekend with the kids and would enjoy it?

I am not a dog person but that video is amazing! They are literally trying to swamp her but she subdues them through sheer force of personality.

I think in times of feeling absolutely burnt out on family life like OP, having time with your husband when you don't necessarily like the same downtime activities is less important than actual proper alone time, pleasing nobody but yourself. Ideally longer term you'd have both of course. I think if my friend had to come and do this for me when DH should be able to, I'd just feel guilty!

Indeed, she's clearly a loving mum but isn't allowing them to swamp her.

Totally agree with others.

Set boundaries. Your children are not babies. They can be told no. They can be told wait. They can be told get dad to help/do it.

As regards your nice smellies. Tell them off. Tell them no. Maybe keep in your bedroom and take in as you use them if they really will not respect your wishes and obey you.

As regards your husband - boundaries there too. Tell him he needs to step up and step in too. The burden is not yours alone. And you don't have to defer to his TV choices.

absolutely fair enough, it wouldn't be right for everyone

ive got a massive family so i'm very used to babysitting cousins/nephews etc regularly over weekends when i was younger and the "grown ups" had social plans, so it seems very normal to me to offer but i get it might be weird for others who haven't got that same background

@sadmillenial I think you are a very rare and good friend. It's nice that you enjoy it. I think many child-free people would hate it,though, so OP might find it hard to find willing sitters.

Oh gosh, let me start by saying your feelings are completely 100% NORMAL and understandable.
I really, really think you must book that weekend away. It is not too much to ask and very much needed/deserved.
I'd go nuts without time to myself.

All of this. Be firm by the way, you’re allowed to have space and time to do things. I have three children, the youngest is 6 and I have worked hard to carve out time for myself which i did by being firm about it. My husband does bedtime every night unless he’s out and he’s taking them out today. Please tell your husband how you feel.

Yeah, some tough love from me too:

1. Your kids are CRYING OUT for some boundaries. Right now, stop the sitting on you at mealtimes. Daddy can get their snacks or brush their hair or whatever just as well as you can.
2. At least one evening a week, go out. Even if all you do is sit in a drive thru car park with a hot chocolate and a book! Do not stay home.
3. Alternate time out at weekends. You get one morning, he gets the other. Use it to sleep, run, whatever but DO NOT stay home and be available.
4. Stop being a martyr. Why on earth did you take on Christmas hosting feeling like this?

I think (given you already made your choices),
that you would benefit from not spreading yourself so thin and being constantly available to others.
I cannot imagine living like that, sorry.
Your husband will have to step up (I suppose he wanted a family) and you just retreat to make these things happen.
Your kids will survive, even if not constantly attached to their mum.
Edited, lost a word.
🙄

You're acting like a single parent. You're not. Boundaries and delegation.

Is half a day in a holiday club an option? There’s a tennis one (but does a bit of tennis and crafts, games etc) that does free places for children on free school meals and is £15 for those who pay and it runs 10-2. I see it as a Christmas present to myself.

Ah op l feel for you.
My dd is 13 and after a mental Christmas, today l finally have some time to myself. DH is back at work, DD has gone to a friend's for the day and all the family have gone home.

It's overwhelming when they are little and pretty sad that a trip to the supermarket on your is considered a treat.

You need to speak to your dh and retrain your children to start going to him too.

Ps Premier lnn do rooms for £45 so doesn't have to be expensive. Make sure you switch your phone off!

I hear you OP. Many of my friends have parents (so grandparents) who can help, take the kids from time to time; but we've got no one, and no money for sitter/cleaner/anything. It's relentless. The only thing I think of is that one day the house will be empty and I will have spare time...and I know I will desperately miss these busy days with my child