AIBU to be finding right now really tough and just want to be alone?

[Lolabear38]

I’ll preface this by saying that love my children and husband very much, I can’t imagine my life without them, that’s not what this is about.

Also, apologies for the length.

DC are 6 and 3, DH works a very full on job with very long hours and I work part time around the kids. I’m either at work or with children - literally never on my own.

I just really miss my life before marriage and kids right now. I think perhaps it’s this strange time between Christmas and new year and to be honest, I’m fucking exhausted. We’ve been hosting family (lovely) and we had a house full on Christmas Day, plus I take on the bulk of the Christmas organization - like a lot of mums, really. The Christmas adrenaline has finally worn off and I’m overwhelmed and bone tired.

Things I really miss right now about my pre-wife & mum life:

• time to myself. I literally never get a minute in the day to myself. I’m massively overstimulated- touched out, too much noise, so many times hearing ‘mummyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ . My kids will literally walk past every other adult in the house to ask me to get them a snack etc. We are also in the season of ‘mummy, look at THIS!!!’ CONSTANTLY.
• Peaceful mornings - I love a slow, peaceful morning. Getting up early, a quiet cup of tea, read some of my book or catch up on news before the day gets started etc. Now the second I wake up and move one of the kids is up demanding things from me. It feels relentless until the second I go to bed, I’m exhausted.
• anything of my own really - I got some lovely smellies for Christmas only to get in the shower this morning to find dd (6) had been doing ‘science experiments’ in there last night when DH had been in charge of bath/ shower time and she has used half of them up. I believe him when he said he didn’t realise what she was doing as she was getting on with washing herself etc.
• eating a meal without a child either sitting on my lap, whining to sit on my lap or asking me to go and fetch them something. DH always manages to eat without being bothered. He half heartedly will try and step in but invariably gets the ‘no! I want MUMMY!’ response.
• being able to watch something I want to watch on tv without the cry of ’oh but I want Fireman Saaaaaaaaaam!!!!!!’ as soon as the kids are in bed DH wants to talk or watch something together. It’s lovely but we have totally different taste in tv so I hardly ever get to watch things I want to.
• Being able to have a nice, leisurely walk around the shops on my own.
• not being touched constantly. I’m not sure if I’ve always had a sensitivity to it or if it’s something that’s developed since having my children.
• Not just feeling totally overwhelmed by mess, noise and clutter. I tidy constantly and my house always seems a mess.

My absolute favourite fantasy is going away on my own for a full weekend. I have it perfectly planned out in my head - a lovely cottage, new pyjamas, books, wine and snacks, and absolutely nobody else there at all.

I don’t want my marriage to end or to not have my children. We have so many joyful, loving and fun times and they’re all amazing. Just right now, 4 days after Christmas with no end to the school holidays in sight, I’d really just like some fuc**ng time alone.

I think I just maybe needed to vent, sorry.

I totally get it, it is utterly exhausting when you have little children, and with the excitement of Christmas and usual routines being interrupted it creates more work. I can remember this stage, my boys always wanted my attention. It will get easier OP.

You need to walk out the door and leave your supposedly lovely husband to it. Go to a coffee shop. He can mind them for an hour. If you dont do this you will have a breakdown and be no good to anyone.

Your husband needs to step up a lot, don’t just settle for what’s happening now. I remember working part time around school hours for a year when DD2 was just born. I would do drop off, go to work, pick up after so I had no time to myself. Then take the kids to activities, cook dinner, etc dh will now get home and only do bedtime for a child whilst I still do the other. My life was just as you described and I hated the job as well.
I immediately went back to working full time in my career and everything became better instantly. We were paying more childcare but had more money too. Everything became shared, we got a cleaner, etc. We now have a third child and things are easier for me now than when we had 2 with your type of set up.
We also don’t spend all our annual leave on school holidays, we pay for holiday/sports clubs that the children like so we still have some annual leave we can take when we want as well so we have a week day every now and again where the children are in school and nursery and I’m just chilling or out doing my own thing. I also now have a hobby just like everyone else so I don’t feel left out. You need to put you first as well.

I agree with PP that you don't have to wait until after bedtime to have your alone time. And in fact, I think things run smoother for "Dad time" when they are by themselves and there's no Mum around for the default tasks / questions to fall to. Dad might do things a bit differently to how you'd do them, but that's fine and he needs to learn his way. Yesterday I went out at 3.30pm, took my laptop, drove into my local city and sat in a lovely coffee house and did an online food shop and some meal planning in peace and quiet. Then I read my book for a bit. I met some friends for an early dinner and then I came home. It was wonderful and recharged my soul.

In my absence DP had made chicken goujons, oven chips and beans for him and DD (not winning any nutrition awards there, but thats fine - it was a meal I didn't have to think about) and they had a good time together. He put the dishwasher on after. DD likes doing things with her Dad that I'm not that bothered about (e.g. he can sit and spend ages drawing / colouring with her) and they watch a certain TV show together thats special for them, and he does bath time in a slightly different way than I do, but its all fine - and in fact I think its good we do things differently. Good for Dad to find their own way and its a bit of variety for the child.

If you are feeling like this I urge you to take some time out just for yourself. Even if you just start small - put headphones in and go for a walk around the town for an hour, then come back. Extend this time as Dad finds his confidence with the kids.

And alternate your TV choices! We tend to have 2 hours of tv in evening and choose an hour each.

All good advice. Let go. Let him get on with it. And push your DC off your lap!

Sounds like you need a break

Boundaries.

Plus watch what you want in your bed a few nights a week. What is the point of sitting together watching something you don't want to? You should get at least one lie in at the weekend. Be strict about it.

At 6 and 4 they shouldn't sit on your lap at mealtimes. Be strict. Or eat later.

My advice is when this happens:

"My kids will literally walk past every other adult in the house to ask me to get them a snack etc."

Turn them round and tell them to ask daddy/grandma/Uncle Bill because you're not the chief snack chef/channel changer/bum wiper. I have to do this with DS6.

And go out! DH and I have unlimited cinema memberships so switch out going. I bloody love a Sunday afternoon film with a coffee and a bag of sweets.

Many of us feel just like you OP. I have 4dc and really miss those days from years ago. Lying in bed in peace is like a dream now. It feels unachievable.

Hopefully you find time each week to have time to yourself. Or a weekend away at a hotel with a spa. Sounds bliss😊

Of course many of us understand wanting to just hide away for a bit and I hope you get the chance! But it won't really fix anything if you come home to the same life after.

Your kids and DH aren't going to figure out your boundaries themselves - you need to tell them. And tell them again. There's no reason your kids should get to choose the telly programme all the time, sit on your lap every time, or demand you every time. You've fallen into some habits that aren't working for you and you need to draw some lines around yourself.

Also agree that it might actually suit to work more instead of this constant juggle. I've always worked full time so my husband and I split the home responsibilities and I have plenty of time away from the house. And sometimes I take a guilt free day of annual leave and just potter around the house allll alone.

And yes - go to the cinema for sure but not after bedtime. At bedtime so you can skip it for a night. I remember it was hard for my kids the first time I went out without them after lockdown - they were used to having us there every single night. But it was good for them - and me - and they quickly learned to just wave me off when I go out to meet friends etc. But they had to learn how to

You have a DH problem. It's amazing on MN, all these men with big important jobs that mean they're excused from having to lift a finger at home. This tactic may have worked back in the day, but most mothers work now too, many with big important jobs, and they don't get to abdicate responsible at home.

I used to work in a very male dominated corporate job, and while I had to dash off at the end of the day to collect kids, do afterschool running around, cook dinner etc., many of the men hung around the office to avoid going home, where they might have to engage with domestic drudgery. So excuse me for rolling my eyes when I read posts about husbands with big important jobs.

Your husband needs to step up. We teach people how to treat us, and youve taught him that you come at the bottom of the list. You need to change that.

Absolutely none of your requests are unreasonable.
First things first, DH needs to replace the toiletries and you need to lock them away from the main bathroom. And he needs to be a more active parent.

Book a night away, a Travelodge or Premier Inn if funds are tight. Sunday and Monday nights are often cheapest and the hotels quietest. Some older Travelodges still have baths which is my idea of bliss!

Pack a picnic of nice foods, some wine, all your pamper stuff and a book and put your phone on silent. You could have a night away for less than £50 and you'd feel so much better for it! Then, when you get back, book another for a few moths time so you always have one to look forward to xx

Could have written this myself. Same aged children and it's SO tough. Hope things become less intense as they get a bit older/more independent.

Get a tv in your bedroom and live your weekend fantasy every Friday evening, after kids gone to bed (DH does the bedtime). Life changing!

Wow, we’re literally living mirrored lives. In addition to everything you’ve already said, especially being “touched out”, I cannot bear all the conflicting noise - the TV on, my husband watching a video on his phone, music on in the kitchen and various toys playing music at the same time. It makes me feel like I’m actually going mad and I want to scream!

Prior to having children, I used to be a massive bookworm and read at least 2-3 books a month for most of my teen-adult life. I’ve got incredible new books from 2023/2024 newly collecting dust on the shelves because I don’t even have one minute to myself.

Even once the kids go to bed, I’m so exhausted I just sit and stare into space feeling dead.

I have two aged 3 and 6 too and they'd choose mummy over daddy every time for a snack, a hug, playing a game but I make sure I have a similar amount of downtime to my husband and will point out to them I am not the only parent in the room. How does your husband not see what is happening? You need to tell him if he's oblivious.

I think we all have a fantasy where our DH/DP will independently bundle up the DC and take them off by himself but, IME, it rarely seems to happen. You have to be clearer about what you want and need. It is always going to be easier for him if he sticks to the status quo (and who likes stepping out of their comfort zone?) so you have to make him. Controversially, perhaps, I would ask whether he gets any time home alone without the DC or whether he also feels he is doing nothing but working (and you say its long hours) or at home with the DC.
What is most important to you? Is it having a couple of hours home alone at the weekend? If so, get your DH to take them swimming, to the park or to soft play. They're at an age now where, unless there are any additional needs, they've got an element of independence and probably get on well (most of the time!) so he doesn't need to be completely hands on with them. If you want to stretch it out a bit longer and avoid the chaos and demands of lunch, they can go to McDs or a cafe or something afterwards. Or do you want a weekend afternoon spent wondering around the shops or meeting up with a friend or something? If so, book it in and tell your DH it's happening. I always felt it was more justifiable if it was meeting a friend but that was just my mummy guilt!
As others have said, you also need to put some boundaries in place. This involves sometimes pointing out to your DH that he can do something or pointing out to your DC that they can ask Daddy to do something. And remember weaponised incompetence works both ways - as far as my now teen DC are concerned, I have no clue about anything to do with their devices etc so they always go to DH with questions about that. I could probably sort it out, I just choose not to.

You need some much firmer, much clearer, boundaries with clear consequences.

neither child is too young to learn and nor is the rest of your family.

get more school clubs, before and after school. Get a cleaner a couple of hours a week.

but very specifically and clearly start saying NO way, way more often.

you want a lay in? Say you’re having one. You do t want to do everything for the kids? Stop.

you’re in control. You’re not a victim. You have agency. Take it.

I have a DH with a big important job and I used to be an SAHM, so did most of the parenting. I had two kids about 4 years apart. Nevertheless, DH used to be able to handle them in the evenings or weekends because I bloody well insisted.

At that age, it's not that hard.

He’s a lovely guy but no, he hardly ever takes the kids on his own. He will never initiate taking them on his own either.

This is such a shame. I’m over 60 and still remember the innumerable days out my father took me and my sibling on when we were children. Not once in a while but often. Such a variety of things too - zoos and museums but also craft workshops, gymkhanas, the cinema, plays, galleries, concerts, historical re-enactments, a silk farm, lectures, shopping (household and clothes) as well as visiting friends. It was only as an adult that I understood that he did this not just for his and our enjoyment but also to give my mother time and peace for herself. (Of course we also went out all together as well.)

But truly @Lolabear38, you’re married, so a night or weekend alone - either at home or away from home - should not be a distant fantasy. Your husband should be actively encouraging and supporting you in making this happen.

When my dp asks what I want for my birthday, my answer is always a couple of nights camping in the mountains by myself. He thought I was joking to start with, but I’ve done it every year since my youngest was about 6 and it’s honestly the high point of my year. I take a good book and nice food and just spend a couple of days hiking without anyone complaining/demanding snacks/asking if we’re there yet. He would far rather order something from Amazon but I do all the hard work of childcare all year round and they always survive (and appreciate me more when I get back). You need to look after yourself to be able to look after everyone else, and if some alone time is what you need then find a way to get some. Now my kids are older and not waking up at 5am, I get up early and enjoy my first coffee in peace and it’s lovely to have that time. I hope you can find a way to get a break!

Do it. Go away with a friend or sister. Husband will manage.

I think with the state the OP is in, and given they need to cut back, a weekend away will be too ambitious and may never happen. But two hours on a weekend in a coffee shop is extremely doable.

Woah, you need to be a bit stricter with your children! Did your six-year-old get a reprimand and apologise to you for wrecking your special present?

I was previously a KS1 teacher and a six-year-old is more than capable of knowing that some items are off-limits and to apologise if they do something that they shouldn’t. That would be completely expected in a school environment.

Likewise with clambering on your lap during meals. Do you honestly think that she is eating lunch on her teacher’s lap at school? ‘No lap time until Mummy has finished eating.’

Set up a clearer arrangement for snacks and stick to it.

You are the mum of the house! You are the boss! Make a few rules and enforce them fairly. This will make your life easier and they will also love knowing exactly where they stand.

Oh and go out for a few hours. Today!