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Original poster

Can men be content without children

96 replies

Anyoneorderachinese · 29/12/2024 21:02

Hi all
Long term user but have NC as quite identifying alongside my other posts.
Just wanted some thoughts on this as I'm in turmoil about it.
I am 40 and have one child with my XH. Very difficult birth with DD and complications (she needed complex surgery when born) which made the following few years very challenging. We came through the other side and she's now a happy and healthy pre teen. Relationship with XH broke down and we have been divorced for over 5 years.
2 years ago I met a new partner who is amazing. It's the most loving, calmest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. He's 10 years younger.
From the start I made clear I do not wish to have any more children and he has consistently said he understands and is fine with this.
The worry rears it's head now and again that down the line he will change his mind and want children. At which point it will be too late for me.
Just trying to process this as it keeps rearing it's head.

OP posts:
samedifferent · 29/12/2024 21:05

Reading Mumsnet over the years has convinced me that men who genuinely want dc spare prepared to co-parent equally are in the minority.
I wouldn't worry OP your DP has made his choice.

MyPithyPoster · 29/12/2024 21:05

I’ve never met one who is content with children so I may be biased but yes, of course. If he says he’s fine with it, he probably is fine with it.

UndermyShoeJoe · 29/12/2024 21:07

50/50 some men genuinely don’t want or are just happy not to have children.

Some want asap. Some realise like women at one point oh shit I want a child.

It’s a gamble. Unless his had a vasectomy and even then some men reverse it I’d say his not totally shut down the idea of children with someone one day.

Cinnamorolls · 29/12/2024 21:08

Well according to mn most men don’t actually want children and just go along with it for the woman.

Mrswhatsit40 · 29/12/2024 21:09

My dh only felt ready for dcs mid 30’s, which I think is the case for a lot of men.

Id be worried he’d regret not having them later on and find someone younger to have them with. But, life is a game of chances so there’s every possibility he will be content with you and having no children of his own.

My db doesn’t have them and doesn’t want them and he’s in his 50’s now - I don’t think he has any regrets.

Cynic17 · 29/12/2024 21:10

Yes, of course they can. Just as many women are content without children.
Loots of people really aren't fussed.

JMSA · 29/12/2024 21:11

Enjoy your relationship and stop worrying until the issue arises. Chances are, it probably won't!

MrsApplepants · 29/12/2024 21:11

I think the majority of men aren’t bothered about kids so I’d say you’ll be fine

Simonjt · 29/12/2024 21:11

I wouldn’t be willing to have missed out on having them, but thats exactly why I didn’t date people who didn’t want children. Lots of people don’t want children, so don’t let your worry damage your relationship.

Brombat · 29/12/2024 21:12

Just asked DH, nope from him, quite happy.

Original poster
Anyoneorderachinese · 29/12/2024 21:15

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

I knew DP through mutual friends before we got together and know his character, I trust what he says now but I guess it's a case of not knowing what the future will hold.
We don't live together at the moment but possibly looking to do so in the next 12 months or so. This is something I need to get straight in my head I think, before we make further commitments. He's an amazing man.

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 29/12/2024 21:23

Hmm. I think men more then women feel meh about children. They have the luxury of time and some will assume it will happen one day but what's the rush. Women have a time limit and also generally carry the bulk of consequences of they choose wrong (wrong time, wrong person etc) so like pp says, I think men will have their 'oh shit' moment later then a woman might.

However this is as likely to happen with a 45yo then a 30yo so unless you want to only date older men with children you have to take the chance on someone.

I think the mature thing to do is to have the conversation with him. Say that you won't be having or considering having children after x age. (Or not at all) It likely won't even be possible etc. tell him to really consider it and that it would ease your mind that you are fully honest with him about the future.

Original poster
Anyoneorderachinese · 29/12/2024 22:42

@Cerialkiller this is great advice, thank you

OP posts:
Endofyear · 29/12/2024 23:10

Well he might change his mind in the future - it's a possibility. It's also possible that he won't want children. You have made it clear how you feel so he's not being deceived. Talk to him about your worries, he'll probably be able to reassure you. Ultimately though, you can't know for 100% certainty what he will feel in 10 years time.

ClareBaldingsChinWhiskers · 29/12/2024 23:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ChicaChow · 29/12/2024 23:27

I think he's as likely to change his mind and want kids as he is as wanting to move to Australia, change careers and become a marine biologist or decide to become a Mormon.
Possible? Sure, but not a guarantee as much as anything else is in this world.

Look at the amount of men there are who actively want kids and then do the bare minimum and then hardly see them when they split with the mum.

The fact he doesn't have the burning desire to be a dad means he'd probably fall into the camp many men do of going along with whatever the woman he loves at the time wants without any strong feelings either way. They also tend to not make great hands on 50/50 dad's as they only went along with having them passively so it's usually better they end up with woman who don't want kids anyway.

Your good.

rustlerwaiter · 29/12/2024 23:58

I have quite a few friends who are also male, ages from 40s to 50s, who don't have kids.

You can only take what your DP says at face value but there are certainly men who are happy enough in their relationship and with their own DPs to put those things first.

Ooral · 30/12/2024 00:13

I think the majority of men are happy without kids, and an awful lot prefer it. Just from my own friends / family.

I would believe him.

Firefly1987 · 30/12/2024 00:14

I don't think most men want kids so you'll be fine. I have brothers and out of them and all their friends only about one actively wanted kids. The rest went along with it for their partner and only really agreed to one or two, after they all had "accidents" they went out and got vasectomies. I'm sure a lot of men are glad they had kids but they don't want them like most women do.

Sosayallofus · 30/12/2024 00:15

Some men can, some men can't. Just like women.

doodleschnoodle · 30/12/2024 00:16

My husband would happily not have had kids if I hadn't wanted them. Obviously he loves them to pieces now we do have them, etc. He's a great dad. But if I'd said I didn't want them he'd have been perfectly fine with that.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 30/12/2024 00:27

I know plenty of men with kids who did it because they didn’t NOT want kids and their wives did, so they did. I also know plenty of men who DID desperately want to be fathers. I think it just takes them a bit longer (35+ IME and when friends and family are all having families around them) to put voice to the desire to have a family.
You can’t speculate which your DP is without having a very open and frank conversation about it, and also respecting it if he does eventually change his mind (it happens!) which could spell the end of your relationship further down the line. I don’t think this is unique to your relationship or the age gap, the decision to have or not have children is a big decision all couples of a certain age have to navigate.

BruFord · 30/12/2024 00:31

@Cerialkiller has great advice, have an honest conversation with him and take it from there.

HeddaGarbled · 30/12/2024 00:39

He’s 30, you’re 40?

I don’t think the statistics are with you and having children or not is only one factor.

Everyone will pile on now and tell you about their amazing age-gap relationships, and of course, there are always exceptions to the rule.

poemsandwine · 30/12/2024 00:43

Of course they can, as can many women. Believe him.