Can men be content without children

[Anyoneorderachinese]

Hi all
Long term user but have NC as quite identifying alongside my other posts.
Just wanted some thoughts on this as I'm in turmoil about it.
I am 40 and have one child with my XH. Very difficult birth with DD and complications (she needed complex surgery when born) which made the following few years very challenging. We came through the other side and she's now a happy and healthy pre teen. Relationship with XH broke down and we have been divorced for over 5 years.
2 years ago I met a new partner who is amazing. It's the most loving, calmest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. He's 10 years younger.
From the start I made clear I do not wish to have any more children and he has consistently said he understands and is fine with this.
The worry rears it's head now and again that down the line he will change his mind and want children. At which point it will be too late for me.
Just trying to process this as it keeps rearing it's head.

My DH and I have been married 30 years, together for 40. Neither of us have ever wanted children.

It's not so much that this is a priority for me. It's THIS man I'm interested in, for all his other qualities rather than being in a relationship per se. I would be okay on my own, and didn't actively seek this out (would never be arsed with OLD etc) it was something that developed naturally.

He is very kind, integral, calm, emotionally intelligent, fun to be with. Also understands my job which is something my marriage lacked.
He says he's never had a burning desire for children and would rather be with the right person. He has been consistent with this. I guess I would be mad to throw this away over this issue and do need to count my blessings.

Reading this thread has made me realize that I’ve hardly spoken about whether or not we want children with anyone, not my closest friends and only one family member (see below). Do ppl really talk about it with anyone other than a long term partner? With friends/siblings they either announced a pregnancy or never did, iyswim.

DH’s siblings are childfree, but he has no idea whether it was intentional or not.

The only person I’ve ever talked about this with is DH’s older sister. She told me that before they married, her DH said that he wanted children and she agreed, but she changed her mind in her late 30’s so they didn’t. I think that must be hard if one partner changes their mind, but he must’ve accepted her decision as they’re still together.

Edit: I’ve remembered that I did discuss children with one bf prior to meeting DH. 😳

I think most men are happier without children.

Yes, you would be mad to throw away a relationship over this issue, because the issue is all in your head.

He's told you he's not bothered about having kids. Believe him.

Most men I know are genuinely not bothered.

@Littlemisscapable Do they tell you that? I’ve just never had that conversation with any friend, male or female. I’m genuinely surprised that ppl on this thread do talk about it.

I've talked about it with friends. Males and females. The women who have children all wanted them, but fewer than they would have liked. Their partners (and ex-partners) either didn't care or they liked the idea of it "I can't wait to have mini me to play football with!" rather than the reality of it. The ones who don't have children didn't want them. But they also don't date people with children because that kind of defeats the purpose of being childfree.

I don't understand the question really...of course there are men who don't want kids, the same as there are women who don't want kids... whether the man you're with truly doesn't want kids - how are we supposed to know if you don't?! If you've been clear about how you feel, that's all you can do really, he could change his mind about this (or any other number of things) just like any other human!

I don't want children so when I did online dating I had that on my profile and I had countless men tell me they 'technically' had children but they didn't want them their ex did so they didn't see them and were 'basically' childfree.

My husband also doesn't want children and when men with children find out they tell him how lucky he is because they had to have them 'for the missus' and ask how he got away with it and stuff like that and men without children ask him how he convinced me not to have children because they're being 'nagged' about it.

So from my/my husband's experience we don't really talk about it but people ask if you have kids and the follow on from that would give us both the impression that men don't want children.

Add on to that the amount of men who are absent fathers and my first instinct is to say most men don't want to be dads.

However, lots of men are great dads and everyone is an individual so my/my husband's experience isn't fact, just our experience so I wouldn't answer OPs question with anything other than 'some men are content without children, some aren't' which isn't very helpful of me so I won't 😂

Has he met your child?
I'd be more concerned about the 10 year age gap full stop. That's a big difference whether children (existig or otherwise), especially when peri/menopause kicks in; someone 10 years younger less likely to understand brain-fog, vaginal dryness and wrinkles.
I speak from experience- myself and a couple of friends

@AsTheLightFades he has yes. We were dating for year or so before they met.
A 10 year gap isn't something I thought I would go for myself, but we clicked. He is a lot more more mature and more grounded than other men my own age or older, xh included. We have a lot in common and communication with him is just easy.
I'm not experiencing any significant peri symptoms yet but I do take your point and this is a concern about how it may affect me in future.

I do see examples with friends and family which would suggest this. I don't know many men who are actively involved in parenting to anywhere near the extent of the mothers.
Xh was apparently desperate for a child before we had one. He was a let down as a parent (and husband) now sees dc fortnightly having moved out of the area. I think he wanted to HAVE a child rather than to actually be a dad, and that's the difference. Not saying all men are like this of course, and I appreciate the thread title is overly general. I suppose it should say, is it possible for men to be content without children. Which it stands to reason that for some it is.

I just fell for him I guess.
I also think dating a man with kids could potentially add complications in a different way, with step siblings, blending etc which isn't an issue here.
There are lots of variables.
Reality is I just don't meet many men who I find attractive or worth entertaining 😅
This one is.

It sounds like your DC is still quite young. I’d be concerned that someone content to be childfree might not be content to be a step parent, should the relationship progress to living together.

Ok this might be a bit of a merail but I hope useful.

My DB is married to a woman quite a bit older than him. Her DC were 10 and older when they met. He is not old enough to be their dad and they have and have always had an involved present dad already. There was never any question DB and his DW would have DC together or the he would be the dad to her DC, and he was fine with that. He has never wavered in his commitment to his DW, but DW at one point broke it off because she thought like you that he'd want DC, he didn't and after several years they got back together. Last year one of the (now adult) DC was killed in an accident on holiday, DB and all of us were devastated, DB had months off work sick with grief. DC was not his DC, he was never in a dad position to them, but he loved them and misses them dearly.

If this man is saying he wants the life you've got together, either you believe him or you don't, but my DB and his DW were apart for some years for no reason because she thought what you're thinking now, and she was wrong about that.

Wow. This is so useful thank you for sharing this.
What is the age gap between your Db and his partner?
So sorry for their loss💔
I feel DP has the potential to commit in this way, I really do and to be a close friend/good male influence in dc's like without being in the father role as such. My dc likes him (would not be shy about telling me if this wasn't the case!)

in that scenario though would he live with you? If so he’d be a step parent, with different options for how to approach that, but none easy.

DBs wife is 16 years older than him. I'm not saying things have always been plain sailing because things never are. But they work, his relationship with her DC works, it can be done.

Of course there will be men out there who dont want kids and men who aren't fussed either way. To be honest, the vast majority of the men I spend time with are very loving and involved parents, it's hard to imagine them being content without children. I also know men in their 30's and early 40's who are actively looking to settle down because they very much want to be parents. Some of these men have always known they wanted kids, some have changed their minds as they've gotten older. But since none of these men are your boyfriend it's not particularly relevant.

The reality is that no-one can give you any guarantees that he won't change his mind, including him. You could argue that as he's only 30, not married, and not even living with a partner yet it's not surprising that kids aren't on his agenda at the moment. Until you live together you don't even know for sure how he'll cope with being a step parent. The 10 year age gap may also become problematic down the line, or it might not, again no one can give you any guarantees about this. Every relationship is a leap of faith, isn't it? Because no one can say for sure how they'll feel in 5, 10, 20 years time regardless of the circumstances. That said, I do think you're right to be cautious given the age gap, it would be naive to think that because it doesn't seem to matter now it won't ever become an issue further down the line, and you have your own child to think of.

DH and I are childless - I’m infertile now past it anyway. We discussed it in the past before we knew for definite I couldn’t and he said he married me not any hypothetical children we might have had. I genuinely believe he’s happier that we didn’t have children. However that’s because I know him & his issues about family extremely well

at the end of the day, there are no guarantees, all you can do is trust him to be honest with wth you

Of course. Many women can too. Whether your partner is one of them no one can tell. Not even him in all honesty as people change their minds. However, given the poor rate of success of relationships in general, if he's telling you it's not an issue now, then you haven't anything to lose by going ahead based on this. If he changes his mind he will have the choice to leave. But as I said, relationships end all the time for multiple reasons, so you're taking no more if a gamble than anyone else.

You're looking for a one-size-fits-all rule when there just isn't one. Some men actively want to be child-free, just as some women do. Some men actively want to be parents, just as some women do. And many people are somewhere in the middle, where they don't necessarily mind and would rather have a good relationship.

Some people also change their minds, and that goes both ways. And a lot of people don't change their minds. You can't predict or control that.

He says he's never had a burning desire for children and would rather be with the right person. He has been consistent with this.

All you can do is actually believe what someone you love tells you. That's kind of a prerequisite for being in a relationship with them. I'm child-free and would have honestly found it quite wearing if, when we met, DP refused to believe me and refused to commit because he thought I'd change my mind.

My DH and l went through 13 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages before we had our two girls .
We had given up trying tbh and both of us reached a state of contentment especially my DH after he saw what the miscarriages did to my MH . So l can say with all honesty that it is perfectly possible he is happy with the status Quo .
My best friend had 2 beautiful step children and had a vasectomy to prevent his wife having to go through another pregnancy because she was so ill . He has never had any doubts and loves the 2 step children as if they are his own . Take heart OP.