To be done with DH and my marriage?

[DameVeraLynn]

DH and I have been married for 10 years with two children aged 8 and 6. DH is a kind and decent man. He’s a good dad and definitely not one of those awful men you often read about in threads.

My problem is there are 3 people in this marriage. DH is an extremely devoted son to his very clingy mother. She visits 5 times a year each time staying for a week. DH is a perfect son (only child) and reveres his mother. He speaks to her every day and she knows the details of our lives which I hate. I knew of this co-dependent relationship before we got married but it didn’t bother me. Now 10 years down the line after 2 kids and life wearing me down, I’m massively resentful because I have zero emotional connection with DH and that’s because he’s so emotionally invested with his mother. We are more like housemates than man and wife.

Things came to a head this Christmas which ended with me in tears as it has done every Christmas over the past 10 years. MIL stayed for a week, DH was so focused on giving his mum the perfect Christmas, he barely even spoke to me over that time.

Looking back, I’m convinced DH is on the spectrum. He has zero emotional intimacy with me, displays no affection, has never had a pet name or used any terms of endearment for me. It’s like I’m someone he lives with albeit a good friend. He’s not unkind towards me.

I raised all of the above with DH a few days ago. He was mortified, adamant he loves me, recognises his behaviour does appear as uncaring, promising things will change. Here we are a few days later, he spent last night on his phone watching a movie ignoring me. He’s not doing it deliberately to hurt me, he admits he’s clueless when it comes to expressing emotions so prefers to do nothing as he doesn’t know what to do.

I’ve had enough of feeling unloved, ignored with no physical affection or emotional connection. I’m so sad of living in what feels like a loveless marriage. DH is 52 and I’m 45. I am only here for the kids. I can’t live my life feeling so low and this is now affecting my confidence and self esteem. My parents say I should stick with DH as he is a good man. Day to day stuff is manageable but my heart feels heavy and sad.

I’ve been telling myself for years that things will change when MIL passes away and I will then have DH to myself. MIL is in her mid 80s and in rude health and I can see a reality where she lives well into her 90s. I’m not convinced DH will be any more emotionally available if he’s on the spectrum. Do I then put up with this for another 10 years?

Aibu to start some form of separation, such as asking DH to sleep in the spare bedroom so that I can get my head together to leave? I would insist on 50:50 custody and suggest kids stay in the family home whilst we alternate when we’re with them. Has anyone been in this situation? In real life, everyone likes DH as he is a nice guy so I’d come across as being utterly unreasonable. I really don’t know what to do. Any help would be so welcome please. Thanks for reading.

You have reached peri menopause age where you tend to not be able to put up with shit you previously have. It’s a well known time for revaluating your life.
As you say, MIL being dead probably wouldn’t suddenly improve your relationship, so I can’t see any point in staying.
As he’s obviously not going to change, I’d get your ducks in a row. I’m assuming counselling wouldn’t help?

That’s really difficult. Does your MIL live far away? Five visits a year, for a week each time, is more than I could put up with. I’m guessing boundaries are a problem in general?

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. The bottom line is, that you’re unhappy. It doesn’t matter what other people think of your husband: if living with him makes you unhappy, something needs to change, whether that’s finding a way to split up amicably or finding a way for him to change his behaviour (doesn’t sound like he can, but it might be worth trying marriage counselling). I don’t think waiting for MIL to die is the answer - apart from anything else, his grief is likely to be overwhelming, and you may end up resenting the emotional labour of supporting him through it, when you’d been hoping that he would finally become emotionally available to you.

When his mum dies he will probably have a huge breakdown.

He obviously feels the mum-son relationship is very important. Maybe explain that he needs to model this to his DC by ensuring he (and they) treat YOU well too.

I wonder if you could reframe his behaviour as an opportunity though. If he's happy sitting talking to his mum then get out and do some stuff on your own, for you. If he wants to watch a film on his phone then you hog the TV and have a movie night without him. It could be rather freeing if you accept he is a bit of a cold fish but he's nice enough to have around to help out with the hoovering.

Similar situation here. Hadn’t realised how bad it was until we had DC. I will be leaving for two reasons; 1) Who knows when MIL will die and 2) Even when she does, will it make a difference? Get out whilst you can, life is too short. You will end up caring for her one day.

I guess I wonder what has made this intolerable now. Maybe that you are through the small child years and have a tiny bit of spare energy to think?

Do you have sex at all? It sounds like you don't? When did that stop?

Long ago on here the lovely Pruni used to say that she prioritised sex with her husband because it's harder to stay angry with someone you have good sex with. Do you think that could be feasible again? It sounds unlikely but I'm just asking.

I can't even imagine having my MIL to stay for a week and I'm intrigued that the relationship between you and your MIL sounds nonexistent despite so much time together. Do you think she shows signs of autism as well? Or does she simply ignore you?

You sound miserably unhappy and I hope something can change. You deserve better.

If you are unhappy you can leave that's reason enough.

I'm autistic so have some questions if you did want to try fix it. When he was on his phone did you tell him how you felt in that moment?

Have you told him how to make you feel loved or only told him what is happening to make you feel unloved?

What did he say about sharing everything with his mum. Did he resolve to change this or was it a flat no?

Re the visits I think you need to pause them until your marriage is in a better place. He can go visit her. Then never go back to 5 a year, maybe two he visits and two she visits. And Christmas needs planning together so he knows what you expect from him and you know what he expects for his mum- that's if it has to happen but it sounds like maybe you need next year without her. As he's her only child I do see how it would be hard for her to be alone but is she's told things need to change would she respect this.

He needs to clearly tell his mum that his relationship with her is damaging the relationship with his wife as it's causing him to neglect his wife and leaving no emotional closeness for his own family unit. He needs to tell her that HE is resolving to make changes as he wants a happy and healthy and lasting marriage. He needs to explain the changes im the relationship with her that will come from his new resolution. And he absolutely must say this is his decision and his choice not blame you. Because if you decide to give it a try and fix it then it is his choice not yours- you can't choose to change him only he cm do that. You are not threatening or manipulating, she doesn't need to go mamma bear and protect her son. He could choose to maintain the relationship with his mother as it is and you would then need to seek a home that isn't emotionally damaging for you. His choice.

Everyone is different so you should discuss how your partner communicates and retains information best. For me I would want a bullet point summing up of the discussion with my partner if it were this serious. So I can go over it myself after and really take it in. Possibly come back with clarifying questions if needed once I've processed it. So write a bullet point list to work through in your discussion and give him a copy.

My last relationship broke because my NT partner couldn't communicate my way and I was expected to adapt to his way all of the time. It's fucking exhausting. Both partners need to put the effort in and both need to explain what they need and not in general terms or you can just misunderstand. Eg I said I don't feel loved and my ex tried making me feel loved the way he would feel loved rather that fucking listen to how I said I would feel loved. He didn't understand I would be different. I know a lot about how to have NT/ND relationships because I know it can be a problem and hyper focused and learnt as much as I could. Your partner will be able to address this if the wants to but he will require your help to work out the new way of doing things as it's foreign language to him

The mother is a red herring. He has nothing to give you, no emotion nothing. If his mum wasn’t in the picture he’d still be a bag of skin.

Honestly someone out there with an actual soul can make you feel human again. Don’t go well into your 50s waiting for his imaginary personality transplant FFS.

Given that he's a lovely man and a good dad it sounds like he'd be a great person to have in your life as a co parent, someone who the kids can rely on and you can discuss matters fairly and reasonably.

As a husband the expectations are hugely different and it is perpetual disappointment as your needs are not met which not only blights your life by marking you feel unworthy but also prevents the chance of anything different ever happening.

If you can afford the split I think I'd do it because who he is and what he's got to offer is better suited to a different important role.

You could be amicable and still support each other in a different way.

First of all I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this.

From your description, your husband is a decent guy, says he loves you and wants to change but doesn't know how. Like others suggested, have you tried some kind of therapy (both together and for him)? Before taking irreversible steps to end your marriage, I'd consider deciding as a couple to invest in seeing whether you can make it work. I'm hardly an expert (similar age to you but single mother by choice, never married) but I've seen some friends who described similar issues manage to turn things round and get their marriage to a much better place. It's not an easy process and I know that it hardly sounds ideal, but trust me, being in your late 40s alone with young kids is also not an ideal situation for most women, especially if you're not financially independent, and there's not an enormous supply of other decent men out there to grow old alongside. Sorry for the glass half empty advice, but from what you describe, I'd definitely seek outside help before ending things. You can always leave in 6 months time if you tried therapy and you found things still didn't work out.

It doesnt sound like make or break to me - couples counselling more like. Like you say he is a good man and you have built a life together, there's some communication breakdown here and I feel this could be given another shot with some proper guidance and work on both parts. If that doesn't help and you are unhappy and see no other option then yes, maybe that is the way forward but if you are willing to try then there are other steps to take.

Thanks so much for the comments, they’re really helpful.

I have suggested counselling to DH which he point blanked refused - he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with his behaviour. Sure that’s related to his mum telling his how wonderful he is!

I’m financially independent and work flexibly. I look after the kids full time before and after school during the week. I made sure when we had kids that I carried on working so that I could remain financially independent.

In my mind, I’m thinking of giving DH six months to see if he steps up. Will suggest he can visit his mum himself or take the kids with him. MIL is not a bad person. She just loves having DH all to herself. She knows she has the power.

WHY do men always say no to marriage counselling?? And then act amazed and hurt that their wife fucks off?

Though tbh why does he assume you'd only want counselling if 'he's done something wrong?' Have you challenged that view?

I think if your DH won’t consider counselling then a trial separation is the next necessary step. He might be willing to consider couples counselling when he realises that it’s that or the end of your marriage otherwise.

It doesn’t sound like there is absolutely nothing to salvage in your marriage, but it will obviously require changes on his part. If he won’t consider counselling to help him work through those, all you can do to protect your own well-being is leave.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so sad, but it doesn't sound like you've really done much to address the problem. Did you only raise this a few days ago, did I understand that right?

As others upthread suggest, therapy or counselling might be worth a shot? Or even just some active listening sessions. Perhaps both you and your DH could benefit from learning more communication skills?

You place a lot of the blame on your DHs relationship with his mother - I think it may be more.productive to focus on your relationship with him, at least to begin with.

And you don't have much to say about what you actually want. I know it can be hard when we're unhappy to imagine how the future could be, but it seems better to consider what you want and work out how you might achieve that than act just reactively.

If you no longer love or want to be with your DH then that is one thing and the solution is very clear; but I have the sense that you may be more dealing with a communication and behaviour problem that it may be possible to address given the right tools. Which may include learning how to express yourselves, connect, and engage with each other.

Separation as you suggest may not be a bad idea, to allow you to have some space to think. Is all your unhappiness from your relationship, might there be other things going on?

Well, if DH suits you on a practical level, perhaps an affair is a way to meet your needs? Better even, suggest that to him and say that you will conduct it strictly while he is busy with MIL, so it’s a win win. See how he likes a third person in your marriage.

Individual counselling for yourself may be far more useful. You don’t need his compliance to engage.

Oh, sorry. Cross posted!

If your DH refuses to do anything to address the problem then yes, it means that you are left to make the decisions and decide how you want to proceed. I'm sorry, OP. That's pretty rubbish of him.

Perhaps spelling out that if he won't do anything to address the situation your marriage will not survive will prompt him to step up a bit.

Living with 2 ND males, I would suggest :
Being very direct about what you would like at the time eg can you sit on this sofa and stroke my feet, while I watch this please? Don't demand he watch too. Focus on what he can do without being stressed out.Small changes make a big difference sometimes.
Focus on whar he can do because you like it, rather than telling him to stop things.
Don't bombard with lists of verbal demands - he may be overwhelmed and very stressed by this, or zone out to protect himself from those feelings. One thing at a time, at the time.
The idea if sending him to see MIL, is good, for shorter spells, but more often might work. Have her stay 3 times max.
Don't forget you are equally responsible for making him feel loved too, and his needs are just as important. A balance may be established in time.
Only you know if you feel he's worth the effort, in your eyes, or if you'd be happier apart.
I feel for you both.

Are you sure it is about his relationship with your MIL and not just the way he is? It is quite common for people to have very strong emotional attachments to other people (kids being the obvious one but also siblings, friends or parents) but still be perfectly able to have a happy marriage.

It's in your young children's best interests for the two of you to stay living together in the family home.

Absolutely ask him to move into the spare room, and consider yourself separated as a couple, but don't split up the family if he's a good man and a good father.

Please don't be one of those parents who puts their own desires over what's best for their children; there are more than enough of those already.

Rather than the five weeks a year , could he go stay with her at least two . That way you don't have to cringe yourself through a week of watching their behaviour ?

If your husband isn't giving you the affection you require can you show him how you see a relationship should be ?.
nd people often don't do emotions towards other people and are not touchy feely .

My nd dh doesn't ever hold my hand if out , never hugs me , I haven't had a proper kiss in 15+ years , we've never danced together , and he never shows any spontaneity at all . I've accepted it , it is hard knowing I haven't got the relationship I'd like but I fell in love with the man and accept he is what he is .

As someone who is divorced from a "nice man" but who left me emotionally neglected I understand your frustration but my advice would be
Understand its not just him. Get counselling for the 2 of you.
It's miserable being divorced
Peri menopause is a bitch and really heightens things
You've nothing to lose by giving counselling a go and really thrashing things out and listening to each other.
And then split if you need to.

It's unfashionable to stay together for the kids but every study shows that in a low-conflict household, they will have materially worse outcomes if you separate. Don't think "we're low conflict so we'll co-parent well and it'll be better". I've just come back from Christmas with extended family who have the world's most amicable co-parenting situation and the children were still absolutely heartbroken to be shuffled around and not get to spend Christmas with their mum. We all politely said to the parents "isn't it lovely that your co-parenting situation is so amicable" while being heartbroken ourselves.

Marriage counselling which is basically an extended session of staring into each other's eyes and talking about your deepest emotions is not going to fix anything in your situation.

Something does need to change but it could be your approach that changes - the advice from partners of ND people is great and works well with the ND men in my family! Small pieces of direct communication that lead to small concrete changes can add up to a big difference in your mood.

I would leave. My ex was similar and he destroyed my confidence. I have that back now in abundance.

He won’t change. Stop wasting your life waiting for him to do so.