To be done with DH and my marriage?

[DameVeraLynn]

DH and I have been married for 10 years with two children aged 8 and 6. DH is a kind and decent man. He’s a good dad and definitely not one of those awful men you often read about in threads.

My problem is there are 3 people in this marriage. DH is an extremely devoted son to his very clingy mother. She visits 5 times a year each time staying for a week. DH is a perfect son (only child) and reveres his mother. He speaks to her every day and she knows the details of our lives which I hate. I knew of this co-dependent relationship before we got married but it didn’t bother me. Now 10 years down the line after 2 kids and life wearing me down, I’m massively resentful because I have zero emotional connection with DH and that’s because he’s so emotionally invested with his mother. We are more like housemates than man and wife.

Things came to a head this Christmas which ended with me in tears as it has done every Christmas over the past 10 years. MIL stayed for a week, DH was so focused on giving his mum the perfect Christmas, he barely even spoke to me over that time.

Looking back, I’m convinced DH is on the spectrum. He has zero emotional intimacy with me, displays no affection, has never had a pet name or used any terms of endearment for me. It’s like I’m someone he lives with albeit a good friend. He’s not unkind towards me.

I raised all of the above with DH a few days ago. He was mortified, adamant he loves me, recognises his behaviour does appear as uncaring, promising things will change. Here we are a few days later, he spent last night on his phone watching a movie ignoring me. He’s not doing it deliberately to hurt me, he admits he’s clueless when it comes to expressing emotions so prefers to do nothing as he doesn’t know what to do.

I’ve had enough of feeling unloved, ignored with no physical affection or emotional connection. I’m so sad of living in what feels like a loveless marriage. DH is 52 and I’m 45. I am only here for the kids. I can’t live my life feeling so low and this is now affecting my confidence and self esteem. My parents say I should stick with DH as he is a good man. Day to day stuff is manageable but my heart feels heavy and sad.

I’ve been telling myself for years that things will change when MIL passes away and I will then have DH to myself. MIL is in her mid 80s and in rude health and I can see a reality where she lives well into her 90s. I’m not convinced DH will be any more emotionally available if he’s on the spectrum. Do I then put up with this for another 10 years?

Aibu to start some form of separation, such as asking DH to sleep in the spare bedroom so that I can get my head together to leave? I would insist on 50:50 custody and suggest kids stay in the family home whilst we alternate when we’re with them. Has anyone been in this situation? In real life, everyone likes DH as he is a nice guy so I’d come across as being utterly unreasonable. I really don’t know what to do. Any help would be so welcome please. Thanks for reading.

Looking back, I’m convinced DH is on the spectrum. He has zero emotional intimacy with me, displays no affection, has never had a pet name or used any terms of endearment for me. It’s like I’m someone he lives with albeit a good friend. He’s not unkind towards me.

no idea if DH is on the spectrum but you are definitely hugely ignorant sprouting such nonsense. You clearly no nothing about Asd, so don't make assumptions.

100% agree that modelling the behaviour you want to receive may not be the best plan.

If I tried this with DW who is ND she would just be delighted at all the loveliness. She wouldn't consider why I was doing it, if I might like to receive the same treatment. OP has said his behaviour is already damaging her self esteem. A charm offensive that doesn't get the desired reaction is going ro hurt OP.

She doesn't need to prove that she tried, she isn't having a tantrum. OP had a calm conversation with her husband, has asked for therapy which he refused. None of this is tantruming.

If you think things will be better when the time comes that MIL unfortunately passes away, they won't be, so don't hang on just for that little glimmer of hope. Not saying that things can't be worked out and that you must leave him, but don't pin it all on that.

If he doesn't change things now, he's likely to fall into a pit of depression when MIL does pass away, he will be the victim and his whole life from then will be centered around the fact that his mum has passed away. I've seen it before in similar relationships, conversations always get steered back to how difficult it is for them without the person who died, even years later, and they usually end up pushing away the majority of their close family and friends as they just become so worn down with it.

YANBU wanting to split up. You deserve happiness.

However you cannot “insist on 50:50” etc. There will be a negotiation but if DH says every other weekend is enough for him, that’s all you will get. Do you think he might move back with his sainted mother?

Was he affectionate at the beginning of your relationship and before children? Being an only child can somtimes cause a strange co dependency. I would think this would be OK if he also put your needs at special times like Christmas first.
It's a shame he won't do couple's therapy

Tbf most men only usually agree to counselling when it's framed as an ultimatum.

If you have any employee assistance programmes at work, I'd recommend booking a counselling session through them and telling him that a decision not to attend the session is a decision to end the marriage.

Thank you for the many sensible suggestions. I’m not going to make any rash decisions just yet but think very carefully about my next steps.
I’ve given DH the name of a marriage counsellor a friend is using and see if he steps up.

MIL staying for 5 weeks a year would not be acceptable to me.

He must go to her. It would be one week maximum and when I was working. I'm not unwelcoming and have a good relationship with my in-laws. But we do not live in each other's pocket and this works great.

You said it is every Xmas with MIL. Sorry, but why allow this from the start? Next year he can go to her or you can make a plan now and go away on holiday. Take the kids and break the routine.

Stop sharing information with your partner if he shares it directly with his mother. Put in boundaries. And do the counseling for yourself.

This is the risk. OP, if/when she gets frail he'll be even more involved with her, and you'll be expected to help him care for her.
Meanwhile you're only 45 and getting nothing but unhappiness from your marriage. He's older, and as he gets to his 60s and 70s he's likely to get worse not better.

If he is ND this is the wrong way to go about things. If the marriage counsellor has no current understanding of ND conditions then it will actually be a car crash where he gets blamed for everything. Please don’t assume the counsellor will have up-to-date knowledge about neurodiversity even if she says she does.
getting a diagnosis for your DH is step 1.
depending in that outcome then you’ll be better placed to know what step 2 is.

What's he like with your children, if he's so cold with you? I'm concerned you'd want 50:50 with him. It sounds as though he'd prefer to go and live with his mum - would that be possible.

Like others, I think her death will lead to him having a massive breakdown. It won't result in him being nicer to you.

I’m not sure marriage counselling involving a neurodivergent partner would work, unless the counsellor was autistic themselves.

Get out. Can you imagine how unbearable and tedious he is going to be when she passes away? I don't mean to sound heartless, but please don't let it become your problem. If you do then you'll never leave ... and you deserve SO much more.

You are putting up with much more than I would be. MIL staying for a week every couple of months would do my head in. The daily phone calls would be the final straw.

Your DH is essentially not a husband - that is the problem. He is a mummys boy who, once he has her approval, does not see the need to anything else. I think he can have more of an emotional attachment to you but he is so invested in his mother he has nothing left for you. If MIL dies I think the problem will remain in a different form.

Priorities need to change fast but getting your MIL to back off is going to be hard challenge as well. If he is not making your happy and making you feel invisible he is not a good man.

Maybe a long weekend away (just you) to gather your thoughts would be worth considering.