To be done with DH and my marriage?

[DameVeraLynn]

DH and I have been married for 10 years with two children aged 8 and 6. DH is a kind and decent man. He’s a good dad and definitely not one of those awful men you often read about in threads.

My problem is there are 3 people in this marriage. DH is an extremely devoted son to his very clingy mother. She visits 5 times a year each time staying for a week. DH is a perfect son (only child) and reveres his mother. He speaks to her every day and she knows the details of our lives which I hate. I knew of this co-dependent relationship before we got married but it didn’t bother me. Now 10 years down the line after 2 kids and life wearing me down, I’m massively resentful because I have zero emotional connection with DH and that’s because he’s so emotionally invested with his mother. We are more like housemates than man and wife.

Things came to a head this Christmas which ended with me in tears as it has done every Christmas over the past 10 years. MIL stayed for a week, DH was so focused on giving his mum the perfect Christmas, he barely even spoke to me over that time.

Looking back, I’m convinced DH is on the spectrum. He has zero emotional intimacy with me, displays no affection, has never had a pet name or used any terms of endearment for me. It’s like I’m someone he lives with albeit a good friend. He’s not unkind towards me.

I raised all of the above with DH a few days ago. He was mortified, adamant he loves me, recognises his behaviour does appear as uncaring, promising things will change. Here we are a few days later, he spent last night on his phone watching a movie ignoring me. He’s not doing it deliberately to hurt me, he admits he’s clueless when it comes to expressing emotions so prefers to do nothing as he doesn’t know what to do.

I’ve had enough of feeling unloved, ignored with no physical affection or emotional connection. I’m so sad of living in what feels like a loveless marriage. DH is 52 and I’m 45. I am only here for the kids. I can’t live my life feeling so low and this is now affecting my confidence and self esteem. My parents say I should stick with DH as he is a good man. Day to day stuff is manageable but my heart feels heavy and sad.

I’ve been telling myself for years that things will change when MIL passes away and I will then have DH to myself. MIL is in her mid 80s and in rude health and I can see a reality where she lives well into her 90s. I’m not convinced DH will be any more emotionally available if he’s on the spectrum. Do I then put up with this for another 10 years?

Aibu to start some form of separation, such as asking DH to sleep in the spare bedroom so that I can get my head together to leave? I would insist on 50:50 custody and suggest kids stay in the family home whilst we alternate when we’re with them. Has anyone been in this situation? In real life, everyone likes DH as he is a nice guy so I’d come across as being utterly unreasonable. I really don’t know what to do. Any help would be so welcome please. Thanks for reading.

We shared the house for 2 years whilst the kids stayed put we moved in and out. 4 days him, 10 days me. It was incredibly difficult towards the end, I would never do it again.

Don’t stay for the kids. They need a happy mum.

@DameVeraLynn very similar here (and exactly same ages) but my DH is married to his phone and TV and his two dogs and not his mother.

I've accepted a long time ago that he's a nice guy but he is incapable of being romantic/emotionally involved.

I'm actually OK with this and have a busy life with the kids and my own hobbies. Yes it feels lonely sometimes and I wish he did want to hug me and so something really nice for me but it just doesn't seem to cross his mind. I think my DH is also on the spectrum. (DS2 is autistic).

I do think it would be easier as a single parent sometimes.

Do you the may be in the closet?

Well, this is a load of bollocks isn't it? I'd argue happy parents (living separately) is much better than growing up seeing this weird roomate set up as what they should seek from a relationship

Why does he have to sleep in the spare room? It’s your decision so you go in there

Get out of this relationship.

How can someone change if they don’t think they are doing anything wrong?!

The only thing that might prompt change is you having left him!

Sorry for multiple posts but it makes me so mad to read women telling other women to stay in shit relationships.

His behaviour makes you sad and unhappy and he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong!

Marriage counselling which is basically an extended session of staring into each other's eyes and talking about your deepest emotions is not going to fix anything in your situation.

Surely there are various different types and outcomes of counselling/therapy?!

Why does he not go and stay with her instead of her coming to you? The loneliness is a killer. I'd say move him into a separate bedroom so it's clear what your views are. It could be that as soon as you got married , he could relax and stop masking

I'd suggest you revisit the counselling suggestion, making it really clear to him that you are not happy in your marriage currently, and if something doesn't change you will want to separate.
You said he was mortified and adamant that he loves you, so he should be open to counselling to work on your communication if its that or split surely?

I was all ready to say stick with it and try to improve communication between you, until your last post where he won't do counselling and doesn't see an issue. If he were willing to try and improve things there might be some hope. If not then your only realistic option is to leave.

You deserve to be happy too! I think you’re flogging a dead horse.

It's his decision not to put any effort into improving things the OP has raised with him though.

Don’t do any type of marriage counselling until DH has had an assessment for autism.
it will affect the kind of counsellor you need.
did you ever meet his dad? Autism and ADHD are highly hereditary.
do you have the money to get a good private diagnosis? And I can’t stress the good part enough. Not somewhere that diagnoses you because you’ve paid. Somewhere where they offer support and counselling for your DH alongside diagnosis.
IMHO diagnoses for your DH is step 1. If you split he is still the father of your kids and understanding his condition is key for both of you.

your kids are quite young but if your DH is ND it’s very likely that they are too.

you will need to be prepared for this.

I don't think speaking to his mum everyday is obsessive tbh she's in her 80s.

Also if she lives far away seeing her 5 weeks out of 52 also isn't too ridiculous.

You're hyperfixating on her when actually that isn't the issue. You need more attention
Tell him what you want and how to do it...

Date nights etc
Weekend away

OPs husband has been like this the whole of their relationship, only now she's decided she's had enough.
OP doesn't have to stay in a relationship like this, life's too short to be unhappy, so if she wants to get her head together, so she can leave, she does it from the spare room.

I think that counselling could help - whether you stay together or split, it would be very helpful to understand what's going on in his head better. I think @TheyCantBurnUsAll's advice above is good.

I'm NT married to a probably AuDHD man (child is diagnosed AuDHD). I have to be very direct about what I neec. And that included "counselling or split" at one point.

I wonder, do you think your children are NT? In counselling, we realised it was mostly the stress of trying to parent our child, who had some quite extreme behaviour, that was affecting our relationship.

It’s a heady time of year, don’t do anything for at least a couple of months.
It’s unfair to put in ultimatums ‘I’ll give him six months to change’ because he clearly doesn’t have the skill or capacity to do what you need or he would have done it. This is a tantrum territory for you where you risk not getting the outcome you want because you are hurt and pushing him to prove you ‘right’ to leave. You don’t need his permission, it doesn’t need to get worse first. You are an adult and can end the marriage today if you want. So why not? Focus on why you haven’t. The fact that you love him, you want love and to feel loved. That’s not the end of a marriage, it could be the start of something new and better. But you’ll need to coach him, show him what you want like a grown up don’t sit and sulk while he fucks it up even more, it’s hurting you both. If he is watching a film instead of being with you you can say to him, can we watch TV another time I’d love to go for a walk/play a board game/ make a meal/ have a cuddle/have sex etc
Act towards him the way you want him to act to you without keeping score. Act with extreme generosity - he needs to be shown. Then make your decision knowing that you have acted in an adult and loving way not a withdrawal of affection in a game of tit for tat. .

My DH and MIL were like this, then she died and he realised how messed up their relationship was.

Not saying that offing her is the right way to go 😂 but be does clearly need some distance from his Mum to realise that their relationship just isn't right.

Good post CountFucula, my husband has ADHD, quite significantly, and I agree with the approach

I'm not sure "modelling" the behaviour you want to see works with neurodiversity. Obviously, when you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person, but I find it's better to be very direct about what you need and why. Also someone copying behaviour but not understanding what it's for isn't too helpful in an intimate relationship.

When MIL dies DH won't suddenly adore you instead of her

MIL has taught him how she wants him to be around and with her

He copies what she has told him to do, over the years, to perfection

You could do the same

It'll take ages and you'll probably feel yuk about it .....also does DH have the capacity to adore 2 women at the same time?

Personally I couldn't be with a man who I had to teach how to love me and care for me, to the degree your DH needs

Oh lordy you sound like me. So sorry you're in this situation.
I'm older than you and my kids are grown up. All through my mid 30s I felt so lonely my DH just didn't seem to understand affection and fun. (Still doesn't)
Then I made the Big Mistake of an affair. Won't go into details but we got through it but now I feel I'm permanently locked in to the same old situation as I was the one in the wrong.
DH views affection etc as unnecessary and sissy. Though like your DH he is a good man. He's unlikely to change.
I have concentrated my 40s and 50s on my young adult kids and building friendships and hobbies which give me satisfaction but I am still lonely in my heart.

Doesn’t sound like you want to throw in the towel yet and your DH is willing to work on this.

I think you need to be more open, you are sat there fuming about a phone and movie but DH has no idea. Tell him. Start telling him what you want and dislike, tell him when he does something nice / good. My DH is the same and potentially ND. The only way I made it better was having super clear open communication.

Dont nag him all the time but just set expectations for the evenings. Tonight it would be lovely if we watched a movie together and cuddle. When your mum is here please don’t forget about me and it would be nice if you did x/y. I liked it when you cuddled me after lunch today in the kitchen.

You're free to argue that. I'd argue differently. Obviously.