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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely fuming

63 replies

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 17:13

Have other threads on here regarding my relationship with DH but have name changed for this.

DH emotionally abusive, should have left years ago. Has been diagnosed with cancer, so I'm stuck for a while.
I have been very supportive and although his treatment of me has been worse I let things go over my head.

His treatment is due to start in the new year. Radiotherapy and then Chemo.

Hi brother is very health conscious and has been researching. They went together to a clinic that's into alternate medicine. The guy seems to me to be a bit of a quack, into conspiracy theories etc.
He told DH that the medical profession are only interested in money and they want people to get cancer!!

DH was considering not having any treatment. I told him that yes he should explore other avenues, eating well, no alcohol etc but to do this alongside his treatment plan and to let the oncologist know about the potions and advice he has been taking.

We agreed last week that although he wasn't in favour he would go down the medical route.

He has just told me that he will have the radiotherapy but not chemo. No discussion, no argument. I just have to keep my mouth shut.

I know he is frightened about the treatment but this guy has filled his head with all kinds of stuff. Apparently, his brother has been researching it all and he agrees with him!

Apparently I am stupid and ignorant.

We have 2 children who are frightened that they are going to loose their dad.

Even though our marriage isn't great I don't want him to suffer or worst case, die.

Im sat here sobbing, I have t told DC yet ( they are 19 and 22).

I just do t know how to handle this situation at all?

OP posts:

fuzzychic · 27/12/2024 17:18

Has he explained to the kids?

Original poster

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 17:22

@fuzzychic
Not yet, they were upset with him when he first suggested it but he told them he would do the treatment "for their sakes"

OP posts:

Nctodayforddog · 27/12/2024 17:23

Maybe the In Sickness And I Health is null and void where the dh is a cunt... Ltb and his db can deal with him and his cancer...

MiniRollsandBigiRolls · 27/12/2024 17:23

What a horrible situation. I would say that it’s not for you to explain it to your children at their ages, but you all to sit down together (without the brother) so he can explain it to them and then prioritise being there to support your children in their feelings.
If you tell them, they might feel like you support his decision or otherwise shoot the messenger. Which may lead them to feel that they can’t lean on you when they need to.

Original poster

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 17:31

Thank you, I'm just at a loss on what to do? If I try and discuss it with him he just shouts me down.
I just don't think the alternative stuff is the right way.
He wouldn't tell me how much this guy is charging. Am I being stupid here? I'm sure if there was another way to treat cancer the medical profession would have found it?

Im so angry with him but im not allowed to express it because "he has cancer".

OP posts:

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/12/2024 17:31

If he’s going ahead with radiotherapy, there’s still time for him to change his mind. I would tell someone that is treating him that he is considering refusing chemo, and let them do their job. It might just be his way of feeling like he has some control and when chemo is due to start, he will feel differently.

Porkyporkchop · 27/12/2024 17:34

I am still trying to work out why you are staying with someone who “shouts” you down.
I would be out - cancer or not.

Original poster

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 17:37

Porkyporkchop · 27/12/2024 17:34

I am still trying to work out why you are staying with someone who “shouts” you down.
I would be out - cancer or not.

I just couldn't leave under these circumstances. He plays the game very well and children aren't aware of most of it.

Financially it's difficult but I just couldn't do it. I want to help him. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

OP posts:

Weyohweyoh · 27/12/2024 17:37

All you can do is tell him you don’t agree, but it’s his decision and he needs to explain it to the family. Then support your DCs as best you can.

Original poster

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 17:42

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/12/2024 17:31

But if I go behind his back he will be fuming. I told him he must tell the oncologist all the potions and vitamins he is taking and he is refusing.

I found the oncologist to be very nice, he gave the facts regarding the side effects but stressed everyone is different.
DH said he revelled in telling him the side effects ??
Apparently they are all in this together with the pharmaceutical companies to make money

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 27/12/2024 17:44

if he is emotionally abusive, leave him, his brother and conspiracy theorist quack to it.
Saves you the expense of a divorce.
Can you afford to live elsewhere temporarily? - avoid the dressing gown of doom & having to nurse him through his illness/death?

SomethingBlues · 27/12/2024 17:52

I was that kid. I was 18 when my dad was diagnosed and 19 when he died. He took every and any treatment that was offered to him - no matter how gruelling - and always said that he was trying to live long enough for some clever bugger to come up with a magic cure for him. He didn’t live long enough and he was desperate for every single day to just want to live. He always said that he was fighting to live for me and to see what I would do with my life. He died when I was 19 and my world shattered and now - 12 years later - I have never been the same since and miss him so much it is like a physical ache.

Im sorry that you are all going through this.

WhereIsMyLight · 27/12/2024 17:53

He has a right to body autonomy. Even if he’s an idiot and he’s following quack advice, he is still allowed to turn down treatment. He’s still going to have radio and when it comes time for chemo, that conversation will come up with his care team.

You don’t need to explain anything. He can tell your kids that he doesn’t want to do chemo and why. If they question it, you can highlight that it’s his body and his choice. Your children are old enough to deal with their father themselves and have those conversations with him.

You don’t have to stay with him. A lot of relationships don’t survive a cancer diagnosis. It’s more common for men to leave their partners because they don’t feel they have to stay, that they couldn’t leave them during this time. They don’t have the same pressure to be nice to the detriment of themselves.

dancingwhilstfacingthemusic · 27/12/2024 17:54

I’m currently going through chemo. It’s not as bad as I thought but not a total party either. It does give me a much better chance of the cancer not coming back and is absolutely worth it for the hope of seeing my kids grow up further. Every treatment I focus on my dh, kids and friends as I want to be here with them, not regretting I didn’t have the treatment that science, not woo, has proven saves lives.

He is an idiot (you know that). Has his oncologist been through the PREDICT stats with him? This will break down the benefits of each part of the treatments.

Have a look at Liz O’Riordan on insta. She is a cancer specialist and is living with cancer herself. She gives these other avenues pretty short shrift when they are touted as an alternative to chemo.

Writtenout · 27/12/2024 17:55

It’s his body and his choice. You have to take a step back and allow him to do what he wants.

SongHelpPlease · 27/12/2024 18:12

Ummm, sorry to be blunt, but - given abusive nature - wouldn't it be for the emotional and financial best (for you and the kids) if he Darwin awarded himself out of existence, with no stain on your character?

I set him do his stupid ill-informed thing, and roll on the inheritance personally.

InALonelyCattleShed · 27/12/2024 18:13

The guy seems to me to be a bit of a quack, into conspiracy theories etc. He told DH that the medical profession are only interested in money and they want people to get cancer!!

The question in answer to that is "Who is charging you for any treatment here?".

I want to help him. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

Why? He is abusing you and will use his cancer to abuse you all the more. You are not responsible for his decisions. He will do what he wants no matter what. If you can accept that there will be fewer opportunities for him to call you "stupid and ignorant" and all the other lovely ways he likes to abuse you.

I understand you want to protect your children but it's important to protect yourself too, so you will be stronger for them when they need you. Learn the art of grey rock, it will help you stay a step away from your abuser and give him little ammunition to use against you. His abuse negates any care he may have once been deserving of.

I'm sorry you're going through this

Terrribletwos · 27/12/2024 18:16

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 17:31

Im so angry with him but im not allowed to express it because "he has cancer".

How much this guy is charging? Who is this guy??

HoppityBun · 27/12/2024 18:20

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 17:31

Im so angry with him but im not allowed to express it because "he has cancer".

Sorry to bring this down to money, OP, but if the alternative treatment or the conventional treatment without the chemo / radiotherapy (sorry can’t see the relevant post) doesn’t work, your DH will spend more and more on the alternative treatment. Please be hard headed about preserving your family’s assets from this. It happens time and time again

Nctodayforddog · 27/12/2024 18:27

Step away.. Your mh is as valuable as his physical health. He really isn't your responsibility.. He is a cunt. So happens he is now a cunt with cancer. He won't morph into a non-cunt..
Save yourself. You owe it to yourself and your dc. What thanks will you get from helping him?

Catza · 27/12/2024 18:30

You are asking all the wrong questions here, OP. None of it has anything to do with you. He is entitled to make a decision about his treatment. You are entitled to make the same about the viability of your relationship.
You decided to stay with him which, to be blunt, is not exactly a wise decision either. Both of you are making poor choices here but it's not your job to make him change his mind. You actually do need to stop avoiding making a difficult decision yourself.

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 18:35

So sorry OP what a nightmare for you 😔 unfortunately you can't force him to have the treatment but you can certainly keep expressing your opinion that it's the best thing to do - and that you don't want him to die. I would speak to his oncologist even if he doesn't like it - they need to know.

He may not listen and you may not be able to change his mind but you will know that you have done everything you can.

turkeyboots · 27/12/2024 18:46

I'm so sorry for you and your DC. Fear of death makes people do crazy things. FiL refused chemo and later palliative care in favour of spending £60k on some sort of treatment he found online. Because the hospital was making money off NHS chemo which won't even work. His death was very hard on MiL and the cost of his "treatment " had a massive impact on her retirement.
Is there anyone he might respect you can appeal to?

WickedlyCharmed · 27/12/2024 18:47

Focus on protecting as much of your joint money (if you have any) as you can, to stop him spaffing it on magic beans.

If that means initiating divorce then so be it.

Original poster

Benny22 · 27/12/2024 18:48

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm going to take a step back and let him tell the children. It is up to him, I have stopped arguing and I'm going to see my therapist in the new year.

I did ask him if this quack does some voluntary work and treats people with no funds? He didn't reply, just says he is willing to try anything.

I may have a chat with the cancer nurses because I'm worried about some of the stuff he is taking.

His brother was here at Christmas and I just shut myself away in the kitchen preparing food. I would not be drawn into discussing it.
My daughter came in and said they had been talking about it and my DH said he doesn't even believe he has cancer!

Im not going to leave, its financially impossible and even though he has shown me so little care throughout our marriage ( I've had a few quite bad illnesses) I'm going to show my children how you should care for someone.

If anything happens to him I don't want them feeling I may have contributed to it.

OP posts:

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