To be absolutely fuming

[Benny22]

Have other threads on here regarding my relationship with DH but have name changed for this.

DH emotionally abusive, should have left years ago. Has been diagnosed with cancer, so I'm stuck for a while.
I have been very supportive and although his treatment of me has been worse I let things go over my head.

His treatment is due to start in the new year. Radiotherapy and then Chemo.

Hi brother is very health conscious and has been researching. They went together to a clinic that's into alternate medicine. The guy seems to me to be a bit of a quack, into conspiracy theories etc.
He told DH that the medical profession are only interested in money and they want people to get cancer!!

DH was considering not having any treatment. I told him that yes he should explore other avenues, eating well, no alcohol etc but to do this alongside his treatment plan and to let the oncologist know about the potions and advice he has been taking.

We agreed last week that although he wasn't in favour he would go down the medical route.

He has just told me that he will have the radiotherapy but not chemo. No discussion, no argument. I just have to keep my mouth shut.

I know he is frightened about the treatment but this guy has filled his head with all kinds of stuff. Apparently, his brother has been researching it all and he agrees with him!

Apparently I am stupid and ignorant.

We have 2 children who are frightened that they are going to loose their dad.

Even though our marriage isn't great I don't want him to suffer or worst case, die.

Im sat here sobbing, I have t told DC yet ( they are 19 and 22).

I just do t know how to handle this situation at all?

As somebody who has cancer I think you are being unfair. I quite I understand why you feel the way you do, but when it comes down to it it is his body and his choice. Chemotherapy is horrible and I understand why he may not want to have it.

All the other things are different and should be considered separately. He is spending money on alternative treatment - is that his money or joint money? Can you afford it? Even if you don't believe in it, maybe he does and really believes that it will give him a chance to beat his cancer.
Then you say he doesn't believe he even has cancer - this is denial and is not uncommon.

You were considering splitting up anyway - your children are adult now, if he wasn't the person you wanted to live with before, having cancer isn't going to change that.

You are perfectly entitled to be angry about his choices. You are not entitled to make his choices for him.

@DilemmaDelilah

Thank you. It's not about the money it's more that I think this guy is a quack and is preying on people.

I obviously don't know how harrowing chemo can be, but I have been putting my faith in the doctors. I'm sure they wouldn't want to put him through all this if they didn't think it would help?
Its also the fact that him and his brother have closed ranks and are treating me like some kind of idiot because I don't agree with them.

Im the one getting all of his anger, if it was a sudden change because of the cancer I could accept it but it isn't.

Im the one getting all of his anger

Abusers will use anything to justify their abuse. The fact that he is keeping his anger for you shows that he can choose when and on whom to use it.

I agree with the PP who suggested speaking to Women's Aid, just for a bit of support. They won't pressure you to leave or do anything you're not ready/don't want to but they understand what you're going through and that can be such a relief in itself.

Thank you @InALonelyCattleShed

Ive been thinking of contacting them for a while. I'm going to do it next week. Also, I've booked an appointment with my therapist.

That's good @Benny22 . The more you can do to nurture yourself the more you can support your children and be slightly distanced from your husband and his behaviour. It's not easy

Stop typing threads about it and start moving on.
Lifes to short for drama.

There's no case of being in league with pharmaceutical companies in the uk, that's the US. Ridiculous of his brother

This is tough for you and for the children, but it is DH's body and he needs to make his own choices about it.
I hope the therapy helps.

If only it was that easy!

A good starting point would be to get yourself a job and start earning money independently of his business. You need to be financially independent of him. Even working 30 hours a week part time will get you far more than £1000/month.

Has his business been making your national insurance contributions? You can log into the government account and check:
https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Having a huge mortgage doesn't mean you have life insurance. Most mortgage companies are happy as long as the house has sufficient equity e.g. if you can't pay the mortgage, it can be sold and the mortgage paid off.

You need to find out these things.

Regarding the treatment, by the sounds of it, it's utterly pointless trying to discuss it. You have to let him do what he thinks is best. Sounds like he is easily swayed by his brother who doesn't sound the brightest spark!?

@Benny22

What stage, grade and type of cancer makes a lot of difference to outcome and the choices you make.

It's difficult to comment without this information.

Obviously he shouldn't be abusing you.

The way insee it, he has every right to make this (very very) stupid choice. All you can do is say your piece and leave it alone.

I'd suggest you plaster on some faux naivety and tell him you don't agree but perhaps that's because you don't understand as well as him so he is best placed to explain his treatment to the kids. Keep yourself well out of nit and redirect to their dad.

He explains to the kids what treatment he is going to have and the treatment he is not going to have and why.

Not your job to do that. He's an adult and so are your kids.

It's terrible that anyone gets cancer but people do and they are free to accept whatever level of treatment they want to.