To be absolutely fuming

[Benny22]

Have other threads on here regarding my relationship with DH but have name changed for this.

DH emotionally abusive, should have left years ago. Has been diagnosed with cancer, so I'm stuck for a while.
I have been very supportive and although his treatment of me has been worse I let things go over my head.

His treatment is due to start in the new year. Radiotherapy and then Chemo.

Hi brother is very health conscious and has been researching. They went together to a clinic that's into alternate medicine. The guy seems to me to be a bit of a quack, into conspiracy theories etc.
He told DH that the medical profession are only interested in money and they want people to get cancer!!

DH was considering not having any treatment. I told him that yes he should explore other avenues, eating well, no alcohol etc but to do this alongside his treatment plan and to let the oncologist know about the potions and advice he has been taking.

We agreed last week that although he wasn't in favour he would go down the medical route.

He has just told me that he will have the radiotherapy but not chemo. No discussion, no argument. I just have to keep my mouth shut.

I know he is frightened about the treatment but this guy has filled his head with all kinds of stuff. Apparently, his brother has been researching it all and he agrees with him!

Apparently I am stupid and ignorant.

We have 2 children who are frightened that they are going to loose their dad.

Even though our marriage isn't great I don't want him to suffer or worst case, die.

Im sat here sobbing, I have t told DC yet ( they are 19 and 22).

I just do t know how to handle this situation at all?

I agree with pp - you can’t influence his decision over his treatment plans, leave him to explain his decisions to the DC (and be there to support them as needed)

If he’s going down the alternative pathway, he is likely to end up ploughing more and more money into it.

Your priority needs to be on protecting your own welling, and the finances for you and the DC before he spends it all on magic memory water or snake oil.

sorry you are having to deal with this

Let me be blunt Op, if he'd been a good DH and Father then you would owe him a duty of care now that's he seriously ill, but he's abusive to you and he's abusing you and your DC now. A good DF would want to take any treatment offered so that he could be there for his DC as they grew up, he's not going to accept chemo and that will radically reduce his chances of surviving. I've had cancer, losing your hair is horrible, but I wanted to live, for me, and for my DP.

My DH had surgery them radio but was actually never well enough for chemo.
What is the prognosis with only radio?
What type of cancer is it?

It’s ultimately his choice, OP, as painful as that is. You have said your piece, and very robustly too. It’s his choice.

He will die with only alternative treatment. But it is not and never will be your fault.

I’m with the PPs who say to leave him to his own devices. Just remember, he is shouting you down (you can tell the DC that when he dies, so they know it’s not your fault) and you would have left him if you could. This is hard emotionally but ultimately gives you a way out

Does the alternative guy's first name begin with C? If so feel free to message me.

Steve Jobs and Caron Keating went the natural route...look how that turned out 😞I'm so sorry. Can't stand people filling others heads with nonsense when it's something as serious as treatment 😞

To be completely honest I don’t think you should show your children they should care for someone that clearly doesn’t care about anyone else. I get he’s scared. I had very aggressive cancer when my only child was 9 months old, I would have done (and did) anything to beat it to make sure I saw my child grow up. No, the thought of chemo isn’t nice, nor is the reality. But it’s better than the alternative. Complementary treatments, ie alongside regular treatment and keeping your oncologist informed, are fine. Alternative not so much…

My DH was ready to throw in the towel soon after diagnosis, with just weeks to live. I asked him to have the treatment, which wouldn't cure him, just prolong his life, for the kids. There followed immunotherapy, surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It gave him another 2½ years and ultimately he was glad he did it but it was tough, for all of us.
A lot depends on the type of cancer and what stage it's at. Really, regardless of whether he deserves it, how much time, money and of yourself can you afford in this situation?

It's never financially impossible to leave. There's always a way. I left my home with just my children and the clothes on our backs.
You're not showing your children how you should care for someone. You're showing them how hard it is to leave an abusive wank-stain.

Sending you hugs. Cancer sucks, however you experience it.

Don't try to explain any treatements to your DCs. Don't encourage him or his DBro to explain anything - there's no point because treatments (whatever sort) change frequently no matter how quacky those treatments may be. My DH lived, and lived well, with myeloma for 7 years. As a scientist, he preferred hospital treatments.

I reached a point where I wanted to leave but didn't feel I could - who leaves a terminal spouse?

I'm glad I stayed even though I didn't always enjoy the day-to-day. This is our first Christmas without him but DDs know I was there for him to the end as he was for their births and my post-natal surgeries and would have been for me.

Trying 'quack' treatments, is just the cancer talking. (My DH went through a period of mild depression, just waiting for his cancer to worsen). Treatments change over the time. My DH took a handful of tablets 3x daily plus went through radiation, chemo, stem cell transplant (x2!), more drugs, side affects and more in hospital.

I agree with @Endofyear , Do chat with hist doctors and the cancers nurses. Our cancer nurses were brilliant and made accessing hospital treatment so much easier. Having a direct line to knowledgeable professionals who could liaise and escalate if necessary was amazing and v reassuring. Doctors are busy and switchboards are anonymous but the cancer nurses were real and made things happen.

Protect your personal money now by moving it into an account only in your name - you will need your funds when the worst comes. My DH had a booklet where he wrote an account number on every page and then put his login and password and security answers. This was immensely helpful and continues to be.

If your DH has not made a will, big boss that and bloody make it happen. Ideally, he'll leave everything to you so that you can support his DCs - that was my DH's entire will: I leave everything to TarheeBaby and she is my executrix. I had the same: DH inheiris everything and he is executor. Perhaps your DH has a pension? Check with him how he's designated that. My DH left me 80% and 10% each to our 2 DCs.

Speaking of finances OP... how are yours? (don't answer me out loud).

Because an abusive man is not one who is going to make sure that you and his daughter are provided for upon his death.

Life insurance? He will cash it in and spend it or smuggle it out to his brother. Savings? Spent. Joint account, emptied, then he will make it your problem while berating you about it. Pension and will - dont' make me laugh, that'll go to his nuclear family.

Protect yourself financially OP.

I've seen this before in a group of friends. One got cancer and saw what can only be called a sick lying bastard crook. All sorts of bollocks. Another of our group was a gp...the conversation didn't go well. The sick guy was completely taken in
The only consultation was that whatever happened he was terminally ill, but the fact is he spent £1000s on nothing of any use

I think your reasons for staying are poor OP.

He's abusive, uncaring, selfish and yet you think "you need to show your children how to care for someone". No. They already know how you should care for somebody (you) and how you shouldn't (him).

Nevertheless I'm sorry to hear of his diagnosis.

But I agree with others. You need to actively protect your financial future. Do not let him spend all your money on quackery and leave your and your children with nothing. You have to be hard headed. You must.

Kindly, the kids are adults, so explaining to them shouldn't be that difficult.
As for your husband's treatment and (continuous) behaviour, well, treatment choice is up to him, building your new life for yourself (or not) is up to you.
Good luck.

You can’t affect his thinking, but you can tell your children that you would have preferred him to take all the treatments being offered under best practice guidelines; that there are some holistic treatments which can help, but ‘alternative’ and ‘natural’ treatments don’t fall into this bracket. And if necessary- That you want to stay and help him, but he is making it very difficult for you to do so.

Good luck. I’m sorry for this to be happening to you and your kids.

No it doesn't, not really sure if I should put his name here. But he is a businessman not a doctor.

Once again thank you for your replies.

The planned treatment was radiotherapy for 5 weeks Ali g with chemo tablets. Then 4 rounds of chemo and an operation ( life changing).

Im getting him to do a will. Im not even sure if there is life insurance? My friend said there must be as we still have a huge mortgage?

He cashed a lot of his pension in a few years ago. He has his own bank account (pays all bills) and I have mine.
I haven't worked for a long time but do work part time for him. He puts £1k a month in my account.
I have absolutely no idea how well the business is doing and have no way of knowing. Not even sure how much he pays himself. About 15 years ago he got himself into a lot of debt on credit cards that we eventually paid off.

There is family money that his brother controls. His dad also has quite a lot of property but I know they would not look after me if something was to happen.

And sending love to all those who have lost people and are going through this themselves x

That's a pretty evil way of thinking It isn't that simple is it? Her kids are going to lose their father

Thank you @BigSilly
I really don't want anything bad to happen to him. My children don't know how bad he has treated me and they would be devastated to loose him

It's so hard. I thought he would change after this but he has ramped up the abuse and I can't retaliate

I don’t have any advice for this because you don’t want to leave him, but could you contact Women’s Aid? Just to talk it through?

My friend’s relative was persuaded to try an alternative clinic by someone she met online . They went to a clinic in a remote area in South America . The relative died in a very poor local hospital .When she was close to death my friend and another relative flew out and there wasn’t even a chair in the room for them to sit on . They had to help with the relative’s care. When she died they were initially quoted a ridiculous amount of money to repatriate her body though they did eventually get her home. I do understand why someone with cancer would be desperate enough to try anything but there are some cowboys out there.

Worth finding out the benefit of chemo in his case. Both DH and I have had cancer twice. Neither of us was offered chemo, because the risk of harm was greater than the benefit.