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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum not to share my pregnancy with anyone?

67 replies

goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:19

My mum is putting a lot of pressure on me to let her tell her side of the family I'm pregnant. I'm 20 weeks but haven't really told anyone but my parents.

I put it off by saying "maybe after the 20 week scan". That happened today and she immediately asked if she could tell her sister. I said no, I would rather she didn't tell anyone. She got upset and said "well I can't just say there's a new baby in May!". I said she could and please would she.

My reasons are primarily anxiety related (which I did tell her) and I don't want the pressure of people celebrating something I'm anxious about (I'm talking to a therapist about this, my mum doesn't know this).

My mums pretty upset with me. I'm struggling to maintain this boundary. I'm so close to calling her and saying she can tell people but I really don't want that. Equally, I don't want her to be unhappy.

My mum does a lot for me and is very generous. I feel very ungrateful. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 27/12/2024 15:21

So, are you showing? Have you told work?

Your wish would be fine up to a point, but surely at 20 weeks you’ve passed that point.

rubyslippers · 27/12/2024 15:24

There will be a point when you will show
it’s quite extreme to not share what presumably is good news?
you’re within your rights to ask people to respect your wishes but they may not understand them fully
how would you feel about telling people but making it clear you’re keeping it all low key?

SonnySun · 27/12/2024 15:24

YANBU

I asked my parents not to tell anyone about my pregnancy. And I told them when I was about 26/27 weeks pregnant. My siblings were told by me a bit later and my grandparents found out the day my baby was born. Everyone was happy about our little surprise and no one openly questioned the timeline of "announcement".

You do you!

MightySnail · 27/12/2024 15:25

You have to tell HR/line manager by 25 weeks at the latest, but you can of course ask them to keep it confidential. A bigger problem is the bump. It makes sense to tell anyone who is going to see you in person, otherwise they are quite likely to say something insensitive like, "oh gosh nobody told me you were pregnant!"

But until the point you are showing, of course it's your news to keep. Ask your mum if she would prefer not to know if you have another baby in future, then she wouldn't have to worry about keeping your secret. That will shut her up.

Germanjio · 27/12/2024 15:25

I can see why your mum is upset. She wants to share the good news, and frankly it will look a bit weird if she just lets people know that the baby has been born but no one was allowed to know before hand. Especially if it's close family like her sister. M

It's a real shame that your anxiety is manifesting like this. There are tonnes of threads on here about how tricky parenting with anxiety is - if you don't get it sorted it will affect your child as well as your mum (and you, presumably!)

Original poster
goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:27

Pinkissmart · 27/12/2024 15:21

So, are you showing? Have you told work?

Your wish would be fine up to a point, but surely at 20 weeks you’ve passed that point.

I am showing but I'm hiding it well with baggy clothing. I went to a big family event yesterday and no one noticed! Haven't told work but will at the legal cut-off point (25 weeks).

Being pregnant isn't something im excited about. The child I am excited about but getting there has been really hard and anxiety ridden. I'm dreading having people be excited about it and not being able to reciprocate it.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 27/12/2024 15:27

I was expecting you to say that you were under 12 weeks pregnant and agree with you. However at 20 weeks you'll be showing. Do you not see your family at all?

There does come a point where it becomes outside the norm not to share the news. A friend didn't tell us until 24 weeks, we'd noticed the bump from 16 weeks and it was a pretty awkward announcement of something we already knew.

PinkyFlamingo · 27/12/2024 15:27

You need help with your anxiety I think

Hercisback1 · 27/12/2024 15:28

I'd also tell work ASAP. You're both vulnerable if they don't know.

Original poster
goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:30

Hercisback1 · 27/12/2024 15:28

I'd also tell work ASAP. You're both vulnerable if they don't know.

I mostly wfh in an office environment so I'm not too worried about that.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 15:30

I think your going to get more reactions and comments if you don't tell people soon.

Original poster
goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:31

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 15:30

I think your going to get more reactions and comments if you don't tell people soon.

I suppose this is true. Sad, but true.

OP posts:
Original poster
goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:34

Germanjio · 27/12/2024 15:25

I can see why your mum is upset. She wants to share the good news, and frankly it will look a bit weird if she just lets people know that the baby has been born but no one was allowed to know before hand. Especially if it's close family like her sister. M

It's a real shame that your anxiety is manifesting like this. There are tonnes of threads on here about how tricky parenting with anxiety is - if you don't get it sorted it will affect your child as well as your mum (and you, presumably!)

I have no personal relationship with my aunt and all of her side live in another country so I'd never see them anyway. My thinking is the baby is coming either way, at least this way I avoid the anxiety of having to put in a brave face about something I'm finding really difficult (because I know my mum will see that as an excuse to tell everyone. My last pregnancy my mum told people I'd wanted to tell myself, which was quite upsetting too.

OP posts:
Sirap2 · 27/12/2024 15:34

Your Mum should respect your wishes, however your wishes are not the norm and you can't keep this secret forever. I see your Mums point.

DappledThings · 27/12/2024 15:35

Wouldn't it be easier just to let her tell people and get it over and done with. I hated telling anyone and much preferred other people passing on the news. Then you don't have to answer questions immediately or even talk about it at all.

The longer you leave it it's only going to build up to something bigger and bigger

T00ManyBooks · 27/12/2024 15:37

My mum put similar pressure on me to announce and to this day I think it’s because she’d already told everyone and was shitting herself that someone would say something.

Allswellthatendswelll · 27/12/2024 15:38

Are you anxious about something going wrong or parenthood in general? I agree with previous posters that continuing to work on this is really important.

I get it. It's hard because once it's common knowledge you can't take it back. I was fine with friends and family but had a bit of an eek about the parents at the school I teach being told, just in case something goes wrong but at 24 weeks I am showing.

I do also get your Mum's pov though as past twenty weeks it is unusual not to tell people and will likely be a bigger thing the longer you leave it. But it's ultimately your choice.

Original poster
goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:39

rubyslippers · 27/12/2024 15:24

There will be a point when you will show
it’s quite extreme to not share what presumably is good news?
you’re within your rights to ask people to respect your wishes but they may not understand them fully
how would you feel about telling people but making it clear you’re keeping it all low key?

I suppose keeping it low key is an option. It is good news, of course it is. But hard things can be good things too.

OP posts:
Baggyprincess · 27/12/2024 15:42

Yes YABU, please let your Mum tell her family and get excited by a new GC.

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 15:44

Keep it low key by letting your mum tell people.

It does get a bit weird when someone is obviously pregnant but hasn't mentioned it. One lady at work decided not to tell anyone she was pregnant (she was huge) and we were all warned not to ask. Tbh it just created loads of gossip and speculation.

Original poster
goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:50

Baggyprincess · 27/12/2024 15:42

Yes YABU, please let your Mum tell her family and get excited by a new GC.

Even if I really, really want to keep it to myself? Even if I can't face having people message with excitement and questions? Even if I don't want every conversation just to be about being pregnant?

I don't know, it all makes me sad.

OP posts:
McGregor33 · 27/12/2024 15:51

I never done a huge pregnancy announcement. I also managed to conceal my ever so small bump. Infact just before baby was born I was at a gig wearing my usual clothes 🙈 Most found out when my daughter arrived, albeit very early. Immediate friends and family knew pretty much right away but no one else until she was born. So it can be very easy to conceal!

I liked the privacy of it and not loads of questions etc. I do feel like your aunt etc will be slightly hurt but it’s your choice overall and a boundary that should be respected.

I had a blanket ban on any photos being shared even privately when she was born. Someone very close to me breached that and I stopped sending photos to them until she was strong enough and home. Not out of spite but at that point I had been told my daughter wasn’t going to make it, that she wouldn’t see it through the night and had an influx of long distant relatives blowing up my phone after receiving the pictures. Some I hadn’t spoken to in over 10 years.

DappledThings · 27/12/2024 15:52

goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:50

Even if I really, really want to keep it to myself? Even if I can't face having people message with excitement and questions? Even if I don't want every conversation just to be about being pregnant?

I don't know, it all makes me sad.

Show quote history

The longer you keep it to yourself the more questions you'll get. If you genuinely want to keep it low key then the best way would be to let your mum tell people but also tell them you're anxious about and don't want to talk about it. The putting it off is making it a bigger deal not a smaller one

CountZacular · 27/12/2024 15:56

goodbyego · 27/12/2024 15:50

Even if I really, really want to keep it to myself? Even if I can't face having people message with excitement and questions? Even if I don't want every conversation just to be about being pregnant?

I don't know, it all makes me sad.

Show quote history

Who’s going to be asking you questions though? You’ve said you don’t have a personal relationship with your aunt and they all live away anyway.

I do think YABU. I’m always very much about respecting the mother’s rights and wants through pregnancy first but there comes a point where you’re asking everyone to ignore the obvious and I think that’s really unfair on everyone else.

Not to mention that your mum is just excited and wants to tell someone that she’s having a grandchild and it’s a bit crap for her that she has to act like it isn’t happening.

RandomMess · 27/12/2024 15:56

Let your Mum tell them after your scan with the caveat that they are not to contact you about it and you don't want it mentioned by anyone.