To ask my mum not to share my pregnancy with anyone?

[goodbyego]

My mum is putting a lot of pressure on me to let her tell her side of the family I'm pregnant. I'm 20 weeks but haven't really told anyone but my parents.

I put it off by saying "maybe after the 20 week scan". That happened today and she immediately asked if she could tell her sister. I said no, I would rather she didn't tell anyone. She got upset and said "well I can't just say there's a new baby in May!". I said she could and please would she.

My reasons are primarily anxiety related (which I did tell her) and I don't want the pressure of people celebrating something I'm anxious about (I'm talking to a therapist about this, my mum doesn't know this).

My mums pretty upset with me. I'm struggling to maintain this boundary. I'm so close to calling her and saying she can tell people but I really don't want that. Equally, I don't want her to be unhappy.

My mum does a lot for me and is very generous. I feel very ungrateful. Am I being unreasonable?

Look I get it, I really do. We didn’t tell anyone, including parents, I was pregnant with DD until after the 20 week scan after several losses, the last one at 20 weeks but letting people know and keeping it low key is still possible. Gently OP it will probably cause a bigger stir and reaction by keeping it completely secret.

I never do announcements anymore, too much pressure and too many memories of when I had to read them while going through hell but I’d let your mum quietly let people know, if it’s people you don’t see much they won’t be in your face about it. I’m glad you’re getting help for your anxiety.

I don’t understand these replies.

OP it is your pregnancy news to share, and your decision when you share it.

I told my mum I was pregnant at 15w, but asked her not to announce to anyone else in the family/friends until my 20w scan. This is a ‘miracle’ baby for me, and i’m high risk.

My reasoning was that I was extremely anxious and wanted the ‘all clear’ on the 20w scan. Turns out my baby does have an ‘anomoly’, and I was referred to foetal medicine to confirm this. Baby is fine, but will need surgery after birth, and was traumatic to hear this at the start and I needed time to process it all before sharing with family which I did at 22w.

I am pretty sure my mum had told some people by this point, so when I told her the news after the scan she was sheepish (she was also pestering me all day on my 20w scan when I asked her not to).

In the end I think she felt bad she couldn’t keep her mouth shut for the sake of a few weeks, and I also felt really let down by her tbh.

I haven’t shared further private information regarding birth plans with her as I don’t trust her to keep quiet (i’m 33w now).

Don’t let her pressure you into something you’re not ready to share.

Why can’t your mum wait til after the scan to announce?

I accept you’re suffering with anxiety and I empathise. I think this is going to far, and you are asking your Mum to be dishonest and not share things with people she’s close to. It’s a bit controlling to be honest.

That's going to happen whenever they find out. Unless they are specifically told not to because you can't handle it.

Bit strange personally. You'll be showing any day now. You can't keep it secret forever.

YABU, if you're going to swear your mum to silence for so long you shouldn't have told her at all.

Plus, for those who don't know you're riddled with anxiety, you just look like you're attention seeking and putting yourself front centre on a very common stage.

Even royal pregnancies are announced earlier than this.

What do you think is going to happen when you make the 'big announcement'?

I mean apart from having an even bigger amount of attention on you than the average pregnant woman, due to all the cloak and dagger behaviour?

I think this is your life, and no-one has the right to give you a hard time about your decision. Your mum is being very selfish for pressuring you.

I was expecting you to say that it was early stage. Seeing as you’ve had your 20 week scan and presumably all is going well then I think expecting your mum to keep it secret is very odd. Maybe your mum is excited. Unless there’s a huge backstory you’re not telling us then you are definitely being unreasonable.

Prioritise your MH first.
If you can get support from a professional, please do. It’s not common to feel this way, but you won’t be the first lady, and you won’t be the last.
Nobody knows or understands why you are experiencing this anxiety, which is why it’s something for you to unpack and work through in therapy. But ultimately you need to stay low stress for you & baby, even if that doesn’t look exactly like a MN pregnancy / announcement.

Six weeks is very very different to 20 weeks

Are you perhaps over estimating just how much and how often people are going to want to talk to you about it?

To you it's massive news. To your mum it's exciting news. To everyone else it's just a bit of good news 🤷‍♂️

Hi sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're so anxious. I had a very rough start to pregnancy with some scares so I didn't tell most people until nearer 20 weeks, most even later 😅. I never did an announcement, just told as I saw.

I will say this. You don't want lots of messages, you also said your mum told people you wanted to tell yourself. The longer this goes on the more likely this is to happen.

You will start to show more, you will have to tell work. Colleagues that need to know for risk assessment, recruitment of cover etc will find out.

Best way to avoid this is to message the essential people yourself before anyone else let's cat out of the bag.

"HI, just to let you know I'm currently pregnant with a baby due around May. It has been a hard journey to get here and talking about the pregnancy makes me very anxious. Therefore, I'd prefer not to chat about pregnancy related things at the moment. I'll let you know if that changes or if there are any important updates. Love OP x"

You can tell people you don't want to talk about it. By communicating and advocating for yourself you can be more likely to get what you want and need rather than hiding.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your baby, your body, you decide. Your mum got to share her pregnancy news when it was her go. Now it’s yours and you are entitled to tell whoever you want and when. It’s not her news and if she doesn’t respect your wishes, that’s fairly indicative of how she’ll be as a grandmother I suspect.

Agree with this tbh. Also it seems this isn't your first baby? In which case wider interest will be fairly weak tbh, speaking from experience as a mum of 3!

I think that you realise now that you shouldn’t have told your mum. This is a case where nobody is being unreasonable but it will be understandably hard for her to keep your secret. In her mind, you’d given her the ok after 20 weeks. This isn’t an excuse for her to tell people though (even if she’s close to her sister )

You’re going to face lots of questions if you don’t go public until after the birth. Not announcing until 20 weeks can be explained by nerves but having your mum act as a buffer might be a good idea as you describe her as kind and generous ?

She said hard road and not mentioned an older child. Could be miscarriage, still birth etc.

You'll be surprised at how uninterested people are, I would let your Mum tell them or you'll probably find no one with bother about the baby when they are born and you'll be back on here wondering why no one is sending you cards, presents, visiting to meet the baby etc.

Has baby's Dad's family been told yet?

Yes, I wish I'd read that before commenting.

Now that I have, I understand why the OP is so anxious about having another baby, given that he thinks it's fine to push the OP and the toddler out of his way.

A very short fuse indeed and introducing another baby isn't going to help lengthen it.