To ask my mum not to share my pregnancy with anyone?

[goodbyego]

My mum is putting a lot of pressure on me to let her tell her side of the family I'm pregnant. I'm 20 weeks but haven't really told anyone but my parents.

I put it off by saying "maybe after the 20 week scan". That happened today and she immediately asked if she could tell her sister. I said no, I would rather she didn't tell anyone. She got upset and said "well I can't just say there's a new baby in May!". I said she could and please would she.

My reasons are primarily anxiety related (which I did tell her) and I don't want the pressure of people celebrating something I'm anxious about (I'm talking to a therapist about this, my mum doesn't know this).

My mums pretty upset with me. I'm struggling to maintain this boundary. I'm so close to calling her and saying she can tell people but I really don't want that. Equally, I don't want her to be unhappy.

My mum does a lot for me and is very generous. I feel very ungrateful. Am I being unreasonable?

She has a 3 year old.

YANBU at all OP

This nay be stupid, but is there any chance that people looking fwd and bring v happy anput your pregnancy mau make u feel better,? Given, probably these people love u and want good things for you,?

Totally agree with this. Especially if it's not your first child. People genuinely don't care that much. At most you'll get asked how far along you are and if you know the sex of the baby... that'll be it!

You can do whatever you want when it's your baby and body. Her being upset is her problem not yours. If she cared she'd respect what you say. It doesn't matter what others think you should do it's not their pregnancy. That's the problem with people. They always think you're over the top or too sensitive for doing something different to the norm. Don't listen to them. And don't let anyone guilt trip you and manipulate you into doing what they want by getting "upset". It doesn't work that way.

Ah OK, I can't see that anywhere in OPs comments.

It's not OPs mums news to share anyway.

@FlyingHighFlyingLow not on this particular thread.

OP your boundaries are your boundaries and it is absolutely fine to not want to tell anyone until YOU want to - it is not your mother’s news to share. I would be very firm with her.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant but I’ve known since I was 2 weeks pregnant, so it feels like half a century. TBH my mum told most people probably by the time I was 6 weeks, I’ve only had to ‘announce’ to a few people. I didn’t tell my dad until I was 14 weeks and he was fuming about the fact I hadn’t told him earlier. That was just after I’d had my 12 week (which was at 13 weeks) and my NIPT results back so he had no right to be “fuming”. We fell out over it naturally.

I’ve not told anyone at work apart from my manager but I’m massive so obviously people are starting to notice. I don’t feel the need to formally “announce” to anyone as I work with a million people (hospital) and can’t be arsed.

Your mum should respect your boundaries to an extent, but it’s going to be a bit weird for her not to mention her impending grand child to anyone when you are slowly headed into your 6th month of pregnancy. I think it’s unrealistic and unreasonable to expect people not to comment on what is usually very happy news for most people.

In a few months it can’t be a secret any more. At some point you are going to have to tell people and face their reactions, I’m sure that they will be pleased for you. Could you let her tell her friends on the understanding you don’t want ANY fuss. Really it’s only her wanting to share her joy. I’m sorry you’re facing a tough time.

I understand not wanting the "publicity" and questions, but i think you have two choices really:

A) tell people, if/when they ask bounce them back with a "oh i don't really want to talk about the baby yet, there'll be time for that when they get here 😊" etc

B) don't tell them, and face a whole load more questions etc about why you felt you needed to keep it a secret!

Overall, it think telling people will result k a lot less questions and drama, so if that's what you're trying to avoid, it might actually be better.

She’s 20 weeks not 2, like I said I really feel for her with her anxiety but this is overkill.

Waiting to tell people will just create more questions and drama. It’s really not that big a deal to anyone outside your immediate family, it’s just nice news.

I’d also wager that some people have noticed you’re pregnant but haven’t said anything because you haven’t said anything.. again, just creating more questions and gossip.

I’d advise trying to work on your anxiety before baby is born or you’ll be in for a hell of a ride!

This. You are trying to control everything because you feel anxious. This is typical of anxiety but is actually really unhelpful and feeds it. Don't be ruled by your anxiety and don't try to impose anxiety driven control on the people around you. A good support network of people is very important for your wellbeing and mental health. Don't push people who care about you away or keep people who care about you at a distance.

I feel for you but also for her,L, it's meant to be an exciting time for family. Will the goalposts move? She's probably thinking you'll keep it a secret until birth and she just wants to share some good news and get excited about it. At the same time I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious, that must be hard