I am disappointed with my family

[Momogaga]

My husband was in hospital with an ear infection that led to meningitis. It was very sudden and we are so lucky.
He ended up in ITU on a ventilator for 6 days but he's since been home with no long term implications.
My husband's family all pulled through and helped with childcare, cooked meals, everything I needed was taken care of without me having to say a word.

My family live 15 mins away from me and only one of my 4 siblings showed up for me. It hit home how lonely I was when I was in ITU and almost had a break down, and a nurse asked if I had anyone to call to be there for me.

My family did call everyday to check on me but my issue is no one showed up.
My husband has been home for a month and no one has been round to check on us. They only live 15 mins away.

I finally saw red when my brother called me to ask what we were doing for Christmas and what we were going to feed his family.
Meanwhile, he only called twice when my husband was in ITU and never called to check if he was back home.

I was disappointed after the call and voiced my feelings via text and he never responded.
After spending Christmas with my husband's family yesterday I tried to have a heart to heart with my sister but instead she refused to understand and insisted she hasn't been round because I'm a private person and no one shows up for her too. She hung up on me.

But she went as far as saying she has are own issues, and I didn't show concern on how she got to my wedding 9 years ago with three kids. Instead I only pointed out she arrived late. She had 2 years to get herself ready. And she's always late.

I just feel disappointed that they all have excuses instead of apologising. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what family's supposed to be like.

I’m not surprised you’re frustrated. That’s shit from them.

What is your relationship like as a family generally though? Do you show up for each other? Do you help each other? Speak about things to each other?

As an example I am really close with my family so I know they would never behave like this, I’d be really shocked if they did. On the other hand MIL/PIL we don’t have that kind of relationship with and so neither my husband or I would be shocked by this kind of behaviour.

Im sorry to hear your husband was so poorly. So good to hear he’s on the mend.

I can imagine you’re disappointed. I would be too. Do you “show up” for your siblings?

I used to think we had a great relationship. We talk everyday but I'm starting to think that was superficial. This is the first major thing with had to deal with as a family. There is a bit of an age difference so naturally they don't share alot with me, but I try to be there for them when needed. I've helped babysit in the past, drove to hospital appointments etc.

You definitely find out who you can lean on and rely on when the chips are down. Going forward give your family a wide berth and look after yourself and yours. Simple as that. X

Your family do care - they contacted you daily to see how you were doing. Your sister said that you’re a private person, so perhaps that’s what your family were doing, respecting your privacy.

Your brother asking about Christmas is a cheek, though.

I agree with the above poster, every family is different. Just because they didn’t turn up and offer practical help, doesn’t mean they don’t care. Maybe they were waiting for you to ask for help, rather than volunteering. If they’ve always been supportive, then don’t let this destroy that relationship.

But they did still continue calling you every day throughout this so it seems as though they’re continuing to support you the way they always have? I know it may not be what you wanted in that situation but this is the “norm” for you as a family?

I think so. I just expected them to actually make an effort to come down to my house since they are only 15 mins away. I've just been feeling a bit emotional with everything's that's happened and feel like they've chosen the easiest option of phone calls instead of coming down

So sorry OP.
Its just awful when something so traumatic happens and you feel like your family don't care.
Pleased your OH is recovering well.
Put your family to the back of your mind for now.

When my OH was very ill a few years ago it was his own parents and siblings who never got in touch or even visited.
I had a couple of phone calls with MIL saying how ill he was.
A few days later I totally lost it down the phone because she needed him to go and do some jobs for her.
I just put the lot of them right down to the bottom of my list and they have stayed there

Yeah and I'm finding it difficult to accept that I'll never see them the same way.

my brother called me to ask what we were doing for Christmas and what we were going to feed his family.

I think this is key. Why is this your job? Do they see you as the family dogsbody?

Stop all the support and concentrate on DH and his family. And of course, your own family members who actually stepped up for you.

I think if they all acted like this then perhaps there is a differing understanding of what support you would appreciate

If you are seen as a private person ( don't like unannounced visitors and prefer calls to coffee dates etc) they may have been thinking they were supporting you

Also, is visiting easy enough for them to do, as in childcare / working and transport?

Some jobs are ridiculously busy over Xmas and I know I wouldn't be given time to go and visit from work -
Then it's all the Christmas activities which keep everyone busy as a family

Your husbands family visited - perhaps they thought they were taking the lead there? Are they close to your husband?

Did you show how much you needed them and tell them how poorly he was? Maybe they misunderstood?

Also was there already plans for you to host Xmas? If so then the call me not be so out of context

My sister is a nurse so I expected her to know the gravity of the situation. This happened early last month so there was no talk of Christmas. My brother just automatically expected to arrive at ours because we usually host family gatherings i.e summer bbqs, invite them to our kids birthday parties etc.
Also my sister managed to meet my mum for lunch at a restaurant 45mins away but couldn't find the time to visit us.

I’d stop inviting them to all those summer bbqs and birthday parties.

I can’t believe I’m going to use this cliché but it’s true - if they can’t support you at your worst then they shouldn’t get you at your best.

I completely see why they wouldn’t keep ringing you or didn’t come to the hospital or your home.

You say they called every day and I would have assumed you needed space unless you told me otherwise.

However, your brother sounds like an absolute twat!
I cannot believe he expected you to host Xmas!!
Even if he secretly wanted you to, the least he could have done is suggest not having it at yours so there’s no extra pressure on you/DH.

I would also be really upset that you opened up to them and instead of apologising or acknowledging it, they completely dismissed your feelings.

That's the bit I'm struggling with. I find it hard opening up to people and when I did she hung up on me. I was ready to work on our relationship if she acknowledged my feelings but she got so defensive, which tbh honest is her usual behaviour. I just thought the situation warranted empathy from all sides.

And they rang me everyday but never asked if I needed anything. They carried on as normal. My in laws took time off work and took turns to help me with the kids.

If you would have asked them to come, would they? They called so they cared but I think you need to spell out your needs in the future.

I don't think so. My mum was supposed to come but she cancelled last minute. Tbh honest I knew she wasn't going to because she has a habit of promising and not delivering so I didn't keep my hopes up.
She's very good at 'checking in' over the phone.
This is why I think they were showing concern but when it came down to making an effort they didn't.
Plus he's been home for a month now so they've had all the time to show up. And I've told them how I felt and they haven't acknowledged it.

That's really shit OP and YANBU to see them differently but I do also think this is how a lot of families are these days. People are busy and technology gives people a false sense of intimacy and an excuse not to actually call or show up. I'm not saying that's okay but I think it's becoming more common. I'm glad your DH is okay now OP.

Did you actually ASK for them to come or for any help ?

Are you a private person?

They assumed your husbands family would be there for him....which they were.

So what exactly did you want them to do ?

I'm not a private person. I'm just not as outspoken as the rest of my family.
I didn't ask them for help because i didn't need it at the time because my inlaws banded together and took care of everything before I even thought about it.
They don't know me. I've been reflecting now and comparing notes and realised his family supported me and mine didn't. And, it made me realise if anything was to happen to me they wouldn't be there. Something I've feared ever since I had my kids.

Firstly, I had bacterial meningitis and septicemia when I was 26, and was only given a 30% chance of survival. I am here, didn't lose fingers/toes/limbs but I do have long-term issues. I hope your husband has had a hearing test whilst in hospital, as hearing loss/deafness is one of the most common side effects as is memory loss. Feel free to PM if you want to ask any questions, even if it's further down the line. Family - sometimes people don't always know what to say. Your husband was ventilated (as was I, mine was 10 days) in ICU, so it's serious. Many people don't know how to deal with serious illness, so they simply avoid it. The staff in ICU tend to only want immediate family visiting - you, children, husband's parents and siblings. Your family did call, so they do care, but didn't offer any practical help or support. Did you ask them for any practical help/support? If you had have asked, do you think they'd have given you the support? It may have been assumed (wrongly) that you didn't want their support because you had your husband's family? No, you shouldn't have to ask for support, it should be automatically given. However, it sounds as if your family aren't like that. I am of the opinion, that when life throws crap, you quickly find out who you can rely on, and sadly it appears your family are flakey in that department.

YANBU at all and I totally understand where you are coming from. My daughter had meningitis twice as a young baby and my brother didn’t call me once or text to ask how she is, let alone visit. He barely acknowledges my children and I hate him for it.